I am just so fed up of it and I am at a loss with stupid services who choose to turn a blind eye.
I am due for an appointment at hospital anytime now and mum chooses to ring me demanding my services. This morning she also turned up at my sisters workplace. It’s getting out of hand. Yet all social services say is she has capacity. But this is how bad it is.
We’ll I don’t seem to have the capacity to go to an appointment I have been waiting 9 months for. It’s a joke and it’s just downright wrong.
I am sick of contending with the law which doesn’t take my rights into action. Social services are a joke. They always seem to think they know the person you care for better than anyone.
I have got a carers assessment tomorrow, I explained the situation and they rushed it though. I am hoping they will be able to make a referral on my behalf.
I have also contacted the assisted living housing team and explained the situation.
I just can’t cope with her behaviour and I am at a loss what to do. I need to put my needs first now that I am getting treatment. My sister also got a disciplinary for what my mum did. My sister lives alone and has to pay her rent and bills. Yet all mum is bothered about is attention.
Does anyone know anything I can do with social services to help?
Mum is behaving like a spoiled “elderly toddler” playing up and having tantrums when no one is paying attention.
Surely you are not surprised that she wanted attention when she knew you had an appointment??
You must ignore her childish behaviour. Mum is NOT your responsibility.
You CANNOT be forced to care for her.
Did she say “I hope the appointment goes well…?” Of course not, because she is only concerned for herself, and wants you to be her lifelong slave.
You deserve so much better.
Honestly, the best thing you could do is to move away from the area near mum.
I know this sounds awful, but what other options are left?
Yeah I have just had it with her and social services. I personally don’t see what they are good for, they don’t do anything.
It’s causing myself and my sister to be sick yet no one cares. We are both on edge all the time because we don’t know if she is going to turn up where we are.
And yes she did not care that I had my referral.
People have told her to seek help, yet she ignores it. Either that or she does not have the capacity people say she has.
I just don’t understand why social services are not treating mental health as a reason not to care for someone. It makes no sense.
If mum needs help, she must ask for it herself.
If she is choosing not to accept help, that is her choice.
It does not mean that she can choose you or your sister instead!
Some people always want to blame someone else, it’s easier than admitting to themselves it was their responsibility.
Hi all again. So abit of an update really. I am very confused.
I have been assigned a carer support worker.
Also I received a call today from a social worker telling me they are going to do a needs assessment on my mum next week. I am baffled why they have suddenly chosen to do it despite them repeatedly told me that they weren’t. I have received follow ups from complaints teams also telling me they couldn’t do anything.
Yet, suddenly they are.
All I can say is someone must have done this, someone has had a kick to do it. But who I am not sure.
They did ask if I could be there and I told them no. Firstly, because its deadline day at work. Secondly, I am not walking into a joint assessment which ultimately addresses me as carer, and leaves me in that position. Mum is also the type of person who gets angry if other people have conditions, so I couldn’t exactly say mine.
It is NOT appropriate to do a Carers Assessment at the same time as a Needs Assessment.
Yours needs to be done alone, so you can give your true feelings, cry, etc. in privacy.
The Needs Assessment MUST look at the care mum needs, and how those needs can be met, WITHOUT assuming family will do it!
Just very quickly. Doing the two assessments at the same time so that each informs the other is a good thing. But not at the same meeting. In the same period of the assessment. Today, the needs assessment, tomorrow/another day the carers assessment. Then deal with the overall situation, knowing the limits the carer is willing to meet. If any.
Agreed. Both caree and carer need to be consulted before either plan is finalised.
A carer cannot be forced to care, then the Needs Assessment for the caree should only be written after the carers views have been recorded.
I will never EVER talk about the problems I have caring for my son in front of him.
He has more than enough to deal with already.
I am completely baffled by the whole ordeal so much so that I am very worried about this assessment. I still don’t understand why they rang me out of the blue telling me about this assessment. Someone seems to have their backside kicked. I have spent over a year fighting for this, only to be told no every time, and suddenly its a yes.
The other main concern I have in this assessment is how they will perceive mum. As horrible as it is I hope she is having one of her worse days. I am also very worried that she will be de-railed off topic as she does, again I need to tell them this if they actually answer me. They need to stick to the assessment and her needs.
Mum has annoying nuances in her communication which means she will say something she doesn’t really mean. If someone is talking to her she will say ‘yeah’ in acknowledgement of them speaking to her even though she doesn’t always understand. I am worried about her doing that this Wednesday which may jeapordise the whole thing. Even when my dad was alive he told her off for her. I need to explain this to them.
I have been trying to get in touch with the person doing the assessment twice today. I rang and spoke to her briefly this morning and she told me she would ring and sort it at 11am. She never called, so I rang back. They told me she was out. Its now been nearly 3 hrs. Luckily work understand but I am taking time to wait for these calls that never come.
At the moment, I am fighting to get my mum into an assisted living accommodation. I believe this will be the best thing for her. You hear these stories of people who cant cope after loosing their partner. Unfortunately, this has happened to my mum in her 50’s. Me and my sister have also discussed the possibility of something else going on in terms of mums health. We think she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. All the signs fit.
However, I also need to look at myself and my needs and health more. My mum needs more than I can handle. I don’t speak of it much but I have something I call ‘selected agoraphobia’. Its never been confirmed or anything as its very unusual, so much so I cant understand it. It just means certain places can fill me with so much panic and anxiety. I can manage most places, and I am not afraid of travelling to other places, but certain places in my hometown just really set me off. When I was with mum she always wanted to be out, and wanted to be at some of these places. I could not cope. Unfortunatly, I have since tried to visit these places, however they just panic me still. I cannot go back to that and im perfectly fine avoiding them at all costs.
I live in Hampshire, but I believe the assessment procedure should be the same, more or less, everywhere, as they are governed by the care act.
BEFORE the assessment, mum should have a formal letter telling her the time, and date, and who is going to do it.
Accompanying this there should be a booklet explaining exactly what the assessment is for.
Has this happened?
With regard to your feelings of panic, is it really any surprise?
You have done too much for too long without any help!
There are some places I would also avoid at all costs.
I never EVER want to go anywhere near Royal Bournemouth Hospital. I have so many bad memories of the place when they were supposed to be caring for her. (Sometimes I wish my memory wasn’t quite as good!)
You are clearly stressed out, no surprise at all, we all have our breaking point.
Don’t see that as something bad or inadequate within you.
See it as the result of all you have been through, and be kind to yourself.
My counsellor told me not to keep criticising myself for the things I couldn’t do.
Dump the guilt and feel PROUD of what you have done.You are a good daughter.
Thank you. I understand your pain of a good memory. It really is such a downside sometimes. I work in a trusted position which requires me to remember things so mine continues to improve.
It is a very odd feeling of being distressed in certain places. A lot of the time I don’t feel there is enough reason to feel this way but I do. The places have no specific meaning other than I would say they are known for not being nice. The city I live in in Yorkshire is split up into different parts, you get the West side where I am from. Although parts of it are very working class, it is the nicest part of the city. The further west you go the more rural it gets. The north side is known to be bad with the East side being notorious for crime. Going out of the city East takes you across the county border to the coast where I work, so I like it here. It is the east side of the city I am most scared of though I should not be since it has no meaning to me.
There are places what I do associate with bad memories, but generally I can be fine going to them. Last week I had to go to a referral in hospital about my condition. The hospital is in the west of the city near my former home. I am still suffering from the trauma of my dads traumatic death (I wont go into details) at this hospital. I was nervous but fine. So yeah makes no sense.
Even fond memories have been directly affected by this. I went to university in my home town, I loved it. Now when I look back everything is so grey, almost making me anxious of my old campus.
I have always being a traveler though, and love going new places. Prior to lockdown, I would go to London on my own and it never bothered me. Yet take me to a shop in the East side of the city, I want to run away from it. I went on holiday in August for 10 days, and then went on a weekend away to London with my partner about a month ago. Again completely fine, though I did not want to come back home.
Even familiar places can do it to me. At work I recently changed offices, all the staff (4 of us )now work in the same room on the ground floor. It was such a godsend to be allowed to move into a better space. Now my old office is obsolete and will never be used again. We are also looking at getting a new building too. However, I am now terrified of this room.
So this is why it is very unusual for me. Like I can say I can avoid them, but with mum I could not. I have sought therapy, but there haven’t been any answers so far. However, this is why I feel I cant do the assessment at the same time as this is something I cannot explain.
As for the carers assessment, no information has been given other than the date and time and location. The woman told me to tell my mum. They are going to do it at my mums home which may not be a bad thing as they will see the effect of the home and its smell. This should be obvious without mums needing to say so.
My main concerns are that Mum is also very socially isolated and needs constant support. Social services have already said the things she needs are unrealistic (Imagine how I feel) however I think its about providing counter arrangements in assisted living. I know she can do it, and it will be the break from the house which is no longer a home which is making her worse. All the furniture needs replacing and there is just not the money to do it. I also know she is a social butterfly and needs that attention above all, but it is just not possible for myself to do. Social services say that they cannot provide 24/7 social support which I get and agree with, but they cant expect me to do exactly that and act like it is perfectly normal.
In supported accommodation, she wont that much support other than medical stuff which she gets as the social side will be right there. There will also be many people in these places like her who need help, and just don’t get it. She is also brilliant with disabled people, and loves mundane stuff such as ironing and sorting socks. She can’t work due to her physical needs, but could be of great use in the right setting and can actually really help people. All the while she would be making friends in a facility with people and activities around her. She will be living in a little community where she could have a purpose. This would be right on the doorstep, and the world wouldn’t seem as quite as big. Lets be honest, the world is not adapted to people who need the slightest of adjustments. I do not see a downfall to this idea in terms of her need. Even my dad when he was alive told my mum she would benefit from it. She has even expressed the love for it.
And above all the loss of the home wouldn’t be a bad thing. I would miss it for what it was, but it is no longer our home, and is too much to deal with. If anything, it should be in the councils remit to relocate my mum like this. The home is quite large-ish, has three bedrooms and less than £400 a month in rent. The landlord is also very good. It isn’t even a council home. If dad was still around it would still be our home.
You are very correct bowlingbun, Social Services in my opinion dont get involved unless they HAVE to. Otherwise they just let millions of carers like myself just get on with it. The Social Services, in my opinion dont do much. They just leave you to it.