What help is available for a carer

Hi, so I am just writing on here about a specific need I have.

I have been living with my partner at his parents home for the last six months. His parents have decided they want to downsize their property and that means they want me to move out eventually.

Unfortunately for me I have a very specific phobia and mental health problems that literally prevent me from living alone. Ever since they said they wanted me to move out I have been having intense panic attacks. My partner has witnesses those, my symptoms are worsening. I have tried to talk to people but unfortunately they just say about adapting. I just do not think I can and the cost of living will out have a huge impact.

The only option I may have is moving back home, but here is the worst part. My mum has extreme mental health problems causing all sorts of problems. She literally needs someone to do everything for her. I was depressed at her home and unfortunately I wasn’t allowed to go out without her. She also would not be alone under any circumstances. I know there is a pattern here, but I assure you hers is worse. My fears stem from not being able to cope and not talking to people.

Due to the circumstance, I think I may have to return there as it doesn’t cause as much panic as living alone.

Anyway, I am just waiting for two referrals one is for a unrelated health condition and the other is for mental health services. Both referrals are important and upon returning I know I will need to put my health needs first, and I wonder how I can do that.

I am still very young and underpaid so the thought of living alone is not some thing I can handle and we’ll I just don’t have what it takes. This is the third time I have been met with these circumstances and everytime it is the same.

I just want to know what help there is for me in terms of effectively becoming a carer once again. There are some things I can handle ironically my mums finances, but on the other hand I can’t deal with her behaviour. Whilst I have been at my partners house I have been swimming to counteract some difficulties with my health. Again with mum I will not be able to do that.

I am just wondering if there is any help available for me.

Hi Coolcar

Sorry to hear that they are downsizing but you have some time to find out about help before you have to make a decision to return home which should be a last resort.

First of all, phone the Carers UK helpline in the morning.
If your appointments are sooner rather than later you can discuss with them too.

Carers UK information and support
Our telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm

Well how is your mum coping on her own without you now?
Does that not prove that she can do it?
She cannot keep you indoors that is effectively to hold you hostage in the home to be with her, that is illegal. You are a grown adult in a free country and can make your own choices about your freedom and going out.

I have no knowledge about your conditions or how to advise you other than to say phone the helpline and discuss with your support professionals your options for yourself.
I don’t know if shared house would be an option for you and it is pot luck for the others in the house and the turnover of them but it is a thought that you could explore and discuss with your professionals.

Don’t delay, you have time but don’t sleepwalk into a last minute rush.

It may take years for people to downsize - I speak from experience - and the housing market has got worse now. Obviously you need to try to find a solution, but let’s hope you can stay where you are for a while.

I remember what a huge leap for you to leave home (your Mum’s place) and how living with and caring for her was seriously affecting your health.

When your boyfriend’s parents downsize (which could take a while) where will your boyfriend live? Could you find somewhere to rent together?

If that’s not a option - then look for a room in a shared house or a scheme such as https://homeshareuk.org so that your aren’t living alone.

There is nothing worse that thinking about a problem and doing nothing/ feeling powerless to change it - being proactive takes a lot of effort but just knowing you are tackling the issue feels more empowering. You can do this - you found the inner strength to leave your Mum’s.

Keep us posted and we will encourage you along the way.


Hello Coolcar,

To be honest, I don’t think that it would be a good idea for you to move back in with your Mum.

Have you thought about you and your partner finding somewhere to live by yourselves? Have you thought about applying for social housing, as your own health condition might mean that you would be eligible for social housing?

I really hope that you get the situation sorted out.

Hi. Thanks for your response.

Unfortunately I am in a position where his parents want to sell up and move to a bungalow based on his mums health conditions. He thinks he needs to help his mum and since her disease will be terminal he wants to be around her as much as possible. Though he can still see me. I kind of wished I could go with them.

I do believe I have a health condition with my mental health too aswell as pcos. I know pcos is not a bad condition and very adaptable with the right treatment. I am thinking about applying for pip based on my mental health.

I went to see my mum today and unfortunately she is in a very bad way. I kind of realised at that point in her state I cannot move back into that home. She was very agressive towards me and by the end was threatening to kill herself. He also told me and my sister to leave, we did and called an ambulance. We don’t know the outcome.

She was just not my mum anymore. She was different and a wreck. Much more than when I left. I have been ringing social services and the mental health team for the last six months but they haven’t done anything. Apparently no capacity or assessments have been done either.

My sister also told me that many of my mums friends have been contacting her concerned. A lot of people have rung social services. Also mum continues to drive her friends away as they cannot deal with her state right now. No one can.

Apparently she was taken into a therapy centre the other day but she refused to be treated and opted to leave and go to the pub instead. She was probably taken there by an ambulance again today.

I am very concerned really. I will be making yet another call to social services.

The house, my former home is a wreck with items everywhere. She has lost so much weight yet no one does anything. I don’t know what to do

Thanks for your response I replied to another person with a similar thing.

Unfortunately he wants to stay with his parents to be with his mum because she has a condition which will be terminal in the coming years. The move is also to help her. Unfortunately there is not space for me though I would like there to be.

I do suffer from anxiety and my biggest fears stem from feeling alone. Whilst I can enjoy my own company, the thought of having a day where I have been on iwn at work (which sometimes happens) and going home and not talking to anyone scares me. I also fear finances and money management unfortunately I don’t nessisarily want to leave my job because it’s in a position I strived for. Finding similar sources of employment are very hard at the moment with limited positions.

I also have anxiety issues and don’t have the greatest self confidence. I am thinking about applying to pip to see if it will help.

The biggest thing about losing my dad was because it wasn’t like loosing a parent but both, only now my remaining parent needs so much support.

Perhaps because of your upbringing, you don’t want to live alone.
I think you NEED to get over this, with the help of counselling.
Then perhaps for the first time ever, you can take control of your life, and live it your way.
If you stayed with boyfriend with an ill mum, then you would end up caring for her, and the same if you go back to your own mum. You KNOW tat would be a disaster!
You don’t have to stay in all the time in your own home, you could come and go as you please - when did you ever do this?
Join an evening class, a social group, go on coach trips.
After I was widowed I read a book called “Starting Again” by Sarah Litvinoff, published by Relate. Initially written for someone who is recently separated or divorced, it looks at how things used to be for the reader, and how they would like to be in the future.
Not how to fill your time aimlessly, but doing things you REALLY want to do.
I found this very difficult at first, especially as I fell in love at 16, married at 19. We were each others “other half” we worked together, played together.
The book is usually on ebay, it’s easy to read.

Thanks. I suppose this it too. I have never been away from home for long. His mum has needs but she is very self capable, my mother isn’t.

Twice already I have tried to move out, and in the end I couldn’t. I first did when I first when to uni in 2017 aged 20. I lasted 2 weeks in accommodation. I suppose a major factor was also money as I was living in my home town still. I just realised it went from £90 per week rent to £15 per week bus pass. The second time I tried to go to Salford uni to do a masters degree, my heart was set on it. I was accepted and worked hard to save up for it. When it came to it. I couldn’t go I was having panic attacks and was too scared. I opted to attend my old uni in my home town doing a similar but not the same course. Soon after Dad was also diagnosed with cancer so it would have been a challenge anyway.

I’ve been in hotels on my own and I am fine. I have also been travelling alone, yet I am just not comfortable living alone. I suppose it occurs that my money only stretches so far, and I am on the minimum wage.

My partners parents have opted to still support me and will accept me into their new home, they said the support would have to be a two way process. I get her needs but I know she will be fighting till the end. My mother won’t fight at all.

Deep down all I want is one of two things; a space with my partner, or a space with my mum barring she gets help.

To see mum like that earlier was not nice and she was not the woman I know. She was easily agressive, not the laughing joking woman I once knew.

Have you got any experience with social services not helping and what you did?

I’ve been caring for over 40 years. A lot of the time battling with Social Services!
If they think there is a family member around, then they give very little support.
Maybe you and your boyfriend should set up home together?
You are obviously very intelligent, I’m sure with some good counselling your life would be transformed. Mine was.

Thanks, I am set to go for a referral about my health on Wednesday so I am hoping to get some answers as well as some details about my condition which I can use to aid my points about needing help or not being able to do it. My sister is also partially sighted and already needs some help from me doing certain tasks. She’s very capable and works, but she struggles in supermarkets with reading labels, and reading letters and forms.

Unfortunately it will (if it does) be a long time before me and my partner set up home together. Like I say he wants to be around his mum for the time being as she has a condition which will kill her within the next few years. I accept that, I’m still a kid at heart really. I will still spend time with him, his family have also agreed to support me if needed and be on hand. But that is a mutual agreement, but helping them would be being around.

As for my mum I don’t know what should happen other than I do think she needs supported accommodation. She was abused by my aunt leaving her in this state recently. She is not my mum anymore. Though she has her problems, she was once very social. She just had away with people, I never developed those skills. But that has gone.

Coolcar like Melly I recall your big step to move out and move on with your life into your boyfriends family home.

It must have been an awful shock seeing how your mother and your home is, so sad that she hasn’t coped or managed on her own. It would not be safe for you to return there.

When you phone soc svs do you tell them that it is a crisis or safeguarding matter?
It is appalling that they are not responding.

Hello Coolcar,

I am pleased that you have a referral for your condition on Wednesday. Good Luck with that. I hope that goes very well for you.

Maybe, the Citizens Advice Bureau could help you with what benefits that you might be eligible for. They might also be able to give you information on housing benefit. I think that it would be useful for you to contact them.

I agree with you that a supported living scheme for your Mum might be a solution, especially if she is no longer capable of living on her own. Obviously, it would have to be a supported living scheme for those living with mental health conditions.

I also think that your Mum needs to have an assigned social worker, who will carry out a detailed assessment of her condition and her needs.

Thank you for your message. I am stuck in a rock in a hard place with the whole situation.

My partners parents are still selling up and we’ll it is making me feel sick the amount of pressures I have to deal with daily. Everyone says not to panic, but I believe I have every reason to.

If anything all I want is to stay with my partner, but I don’t think that is going to happen. In an ideal world I stay with him and mum will get help from supported accommodation.

The events are as follows. Unfortunately my mums mental health is in tatters and has been since dad died. I already said when with her I wasn’t allowed out anywhere as she was always threatening suicide. All the help would ever say was she has capacity and refuse to help. I do not want to go back to that.

I am also concerned that my abusive aunt may return to the home at any point and once again I will be homeless. (No one will do anything about her)

Mum also told me the other day that she wants someone to sit with her 24/7 and stay up to keep her safe. Unfortunately there is only one of me and no sleep would make me sick very quickly. She told me I’d just have to figure it out.

She is also a drinker.

The house is not my home anymore and I feel like I need to spread my wings, but money is tight.

So far I feel like I’m shouting at a brick wall with social services who keep saying everything is fine.
I tried to get a mental health act done on my mum yesterday through the nhs but they opted to do an assessment instead. The crisis intervention team have got involved, and will be speaking to her pretty soon.

I have asked for support for myself too and have explained the situation. I don’t want to go back unless she can prove she is taking steps to sort herself out, if at all.

We are all her to support you as much as we can.

You cannot ever move back in with mum. Just because it’s what mum wants, doesn’t mean she can have it. Even if she promised to do better if you… it’s unlikely to be true, long term.

Your first responsibility has to be caring for yourself and your own happiness.

Lots of people have less than perfect parents.

Your boyfriend’s mum may be feeling frightened because of her health.
She should be telling her son the same things too, but that’s unlikely to happen too.


I have just put in for another carers assessment. I am hoping that by listening to me I might get something done. Like everyone is saying I have to think of my health. I will be starting treatment for a health condition tomorrow, and I just can’t jeapordise that. If I was to be with mum she would be kicking off that I am not supporting her and cancelling the appointments for her.

The trouble is the word capacity, some people might just say to me “stay and support her as a good daughter” but then I know that I will be scared of doing something wrong. if I don’t know if I will have a bed that night because of her outbursts.

She is also getting into a lot of trouble with her drinking and getting into fights in the pub, she expects you to back her up. I work in a position of trust, one bad move and I will loose my job. All these fights are over ‘who kissed who’ or ‘who spoke to who’ it’s childish but also dangerous.

I have just spoken to the support service for another assessment which will hopefully back my case up and use myself as a means for needing help. My mum rang my sisters workplace yesterday and told my sisters manager that she was going to kill herself. My sister got a disciplinary about it and sent home. She cried to me that she thought she was going to loose her job. If she lost her job she would not be able to pay her rent. This is the damage my mum does.

My mum also wants someone to not sleep “to look after her and make her safe” she also wants someone to keep look out incase anyone from the pub comes. She hasn’t thought once to stop going.

Hi, sorry for posting so many things on here.

Once again I am stuck tonight. My mum asked me to go round to her house to sort a few things out. I was reluctant to, but went just to talk to her see if I could persuade her to seek help.

Somehow she got it in her head thanks to my sister that I will be moving back to the house to support her. I told her I wasn’t. She instantly got agressive with me and told me that she didn’t want to be alone. Unfortunately, I can’t move back it’s very impractical and I refuse to without some sort of care plan in please. Her emotional needs are very strong, and I can’t do them.

She instantly told me she was going to kill herself again and told me to leave slamming the door behind me. I tried to call an ambulance but they said they were too busy. I instantly rang the mental health team. They told me that she had already rang and was going to a crisis pad.

Unfortunately I have also been In a situation where I have been battling social services who proceed to tell me she has capacity. I don’t think she does looking at her. I tried to get video evidence.

I also asked for a carers assessment earlier which will get done in the next few days. I have spoken to them about getting her proper help and supported accommodation which I think will do her the world of good. Is there anyway to rush this?

NEVER go back. Mum is INCAPABLE of changing.

You are not. You have to stop clinging to the idea that “things will be better if I…” because within minutes mum will go back to how she always was and will always be. Beyond help from you.

Read your message tomorrow, and any other day you have even the slightest idea of returning.

Hi again. I am so lost for what to do. All this stress is making me seriously ill, but no one seems to care.
Mum continues to message me all the time threatening to kill herself, it has me in tears. I am having panic attacks; I am on medication. Yet all these support services want to do is play the capacity game with me.
She also told me if I return, I must give up my job and I am not allowed to go to bed or leave the room to go to toilet. If I leave the room and she want to kill herself- it is my fault. I have just had enough.
Apparently, she went to the crisis pad last night to get support, and they told me they would do an assessment if needed. I don’t know how a bunch of teenagers still in uni can assess my mum in such a clinical manner. (I have been myself and found it useless because they weren’t proper mental health experts and adequately trained.)
I also got a phone call last night from these people, or three phone calls at 11pm I should say. Of course, I was asleep at this point with my phone on silent. I did not receive them.
This morning I woke up early after panicking in my sleep again. I took my phone off silent to look and saw these missed calls. I instantly checked the voice mail from the mental health team asking for me to ring them back about my mum. Panic instantly set in. I rang the same line as soon as I knew and had to wait for a response for an hour. I was just getting into work when they rang. The person on the phone had no clue whatsoever and just hid behind confidentiality. Again, completely inept. I have no idea what these calls were
I now wonder if they just wanted a taxi off me.
I am just fed up with it all. I cannot do this. I cannot return but they expect me to. I will be seriously ill if I do this never mind the effects of not being allowed to sleep or go to the toilet. NO ONE CARES. I have submitted complaints after complaints, and all anyone says is capacity. How is this capacitated.
Support services say to me if mum keeps threatening to kill herself call an ambulance. That is exactly what I did last night, only to be told there are not enough ambulances available, and it was too busy. Instead, I was encouraged to take a violent person to hospital, tell me how I am supposed to do that.

If mum is messaging you all the time, turn off your messenger service.
Alternatively, forward each one to the mental health services that are supposed to be supporting mum.

Tell them they MUST NOT contact you again. It’s now between them and mum.
Clearly she wants you to be her slave under her total control. This is absolutely ridiculous.

Remember we are all responsible for our own happiness.
You CANNOT go back to mum, you will have a breakown.

We are here to support you.