Up a creek with out a paddle

Hi all, I am in a right mess thanks to a pova safeguarding report.
What caused this pova report to start was due to the fact that I slapped mum face for a comment that she made towards me. ‘I was being blamed for her needing CPR, when actually it was the doctors fault in the hospital’. I know that I was wrong in doing it but the amount and stress that I have been put under that it is no reason that I have snapped. Being up around the clock and being told to make food and drink for her, not being able to rest even after moving heavy furniture on my own or coming back from driving to appointment or shopping. Emotional blackmail where if I am not quick enough then she self harms and blame it on me for her doing it, she has even had dad to write letters to people about his operations where on the list he is and if the right answers are not given then she will commit suicide. I can’t find somewhere to go for a break as mum is not only wanting to know what I am doing but also tell a pack of lies if I go to stay away for the night.
Mental health have not done anything apart from phone to fill out a pova form.
The GPS are trying to get something sorted but I don’t know what they can do.
The police have been no help only to make me feel worst and like I am the villain when they should do more.
Social services are no where to be seen.
The carers centre are stuck on what extra help that they can do as they say others need to do more than just make empty promises.

Hi Michael

There are two types of safeguarding, not in the sense of what happens but WHY. There is generally an understanding that sometimes carers react to stress inappropriately. The other type is through malicious action.

The police will treat you as a “villain” to start with no matter what. They will have interviewed your Mum, I would think, but unless they are convinced there’s a serious problem with you, they are almost certainly not preventing you from providing care. They then have a duty to ask social services to get involved, if they’re not already.

But social services MUST be involved. They don’t have a choice. And the first thing they’re supposed to do is assess the situation and, more importantly, you, to see what help they can offer to reduce your stress levels. This will be part of the code of practice for the local safeguarding board, which is almost certainly searchable online. Worth looking for - it may give you an idea of what is not happening that should be. Under the Care Act there is a statutory duty to support carers, and this is part of it.

One thing that social services are less good at is recognising their duty to carers who are on the receiving end of behaviour that comes under safeguarding. Emotional abuse from your mother is exactly the sort of thing that rarely gets recognised. Your carers centre can advise you about how that’s working in your area as it’s unlikely yours is the first case like this they’ve come across. That might give them some ammunition to take a number of situations to the council as examples of problems in the system - and help to kick the council into getting you some support.

Whatever you do, email the helpline here: advice@carersuk.org as they may be able to offer better suggestions - they’re much more up to date on this sort of thing than I am.


Hi Michael,
I don’t have any advice to add; but just wanted to say definitely contact the helpline. Also gather together all the proof you have of the stress you have been under caring eg your posts here, all the times you have asked for help and examples of your Mum’s behaviour.

I hope this safeguarding incident results in proper support now and in the future, for if it had been in place this could have been avoided and that’s a failing of social care and mental health services.

No advice but good luck.

I agree entirely. We all have our breaking point. I’ve met mine. There is a basic human need to sleep, and as carers, we all need “down time”. For me, that’s 2 weeks in Crete now, non negotiable! It is time every carer has a RIGHT to time off. My friend in Australia could book 6 weeks off from looking after her mum, well in advance.

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Find ways in order to leave the house. This is crucial. My mom takes part in a fun evening class once or twice a week now to meet other people too. See what options are on the table in question so to speak here. Good luck and best wishes to you.

Hi all thanks for the support and advice. I have got appointment with the housing people to see what they can offer. I have had looked privately for a 1 bed flat,but the places are more like slums than where a person could live without catching something.
I am trying to keep at least a night free to go my model railway club but it is getting harder to get out without being called back after an hour being out. I do have other outlets but have stopped them for the moment due to a comment about being a carer at one of them, I had done a lot of work for them over the years.

With what is happening at the moment is the GPS are working out what can be done without mental health imput at the moment which is a positive step as a few out lieing problems have final got referrals for both mum and dad.

As for mental health there has been a few questions raised and fingers pointed at them. They are trying to work out what to do, one suggestion was respite but said it is a waste of time and money as mum didn’t settle but also got caught with the costs paying twice to social services despite being told we had paid everything. It would also meant more work being done by me as the care home was after me every so often to go and settle mum.
Where it has gone silly with mental health and I could teach them how to communicate with people. (Done enough courses.) they believed in what mum said in her letter about not needing help, than speak to us where she does need it but also if they had looked in her notes that they would see that there was a problem as she gets to a point saying no to help but that means she is ill. Some parts have settle down but not all like the binge eating and drinking but also being woken up at odd times.

Good luck. It may be a wild goose move but see if a care company can help or not. Look at some online.