Stuck for help!

Hi All, I am stuck in a awkward catch 22 situation and I need some help and advice please. This has been a ongoing matter over my mum mental health since December 2020 when she came out of respite care. We got to the stage now where a advocate is involved to take this matter on due to a lack of communication from her care manager and local mental health team. It has not just been the family trying to get in touch with them but also the local AM, GPs and carers centre and we kept hitting a brick wall. From when the advocate rang to make a telephone appointment to speak to my mum, she was working her self up in a state over it. The phone call happen, he will take the case on but will only deal with my mum unless she ask him to repeat or explain something to us to make sure mum is happy with it. He was going to get back in touch as soon as he could this week. With the mental health issues my mum suffers from there is two parts one is the main illness and the other behaviour . The behaviour part is coming out more and there is a lot of abuse and aggression coming from her which I know she can’t help but sometime I think she can. Well between yesterday and today, I was made by my mum to go and speak to the community health team about her, try and find out what was happening but the state she is in need the main mental health doctor say or give the ok for her to stay on certain tablets which were stopped when she was in last year and has been a on going trouble.

I spoke to one of the girls from OT as she knew me but I did not want to speak to her care manger and the duty officers was in a meeting. Well I spent well over an 1 Hour going over what was happening and explain why I was there, the OT girl was going to feed back to the mental health team to sort something out. Which I know the way things are with ours it like how long is a length of string type of question when or if they will get back to us.

Now back today drama, mum has been on about a fag all day, but neither me or my dad will give in to get her one because, she has stop smoking for over 7 years,it has meant no mini-strokes, cost of the money but she has something else instead but also to show that if we gave in, she could or would use it as some sort of power tool when she wanted something else or causing a argument to use it against us.

She made me ring the mental health team center which I did not want to do as I thought even after yesterday visit I was treading on the advocate toes. Dad had phone earlier, we were waiting for a answer from the mental health. Whilst I was on the phone to the girl on the desk, asking me what mum was like and I was explaining what was going on, I had mum hurling abuse and aggression both to me and the girl at the other end of the phone. i DID TRY TO STOP IT but failed. After I came off the phone, I had mum rant and rave at me for phoning, when I had not done it for my self but for her. She was in one of these moods I am right and everyone else is wrong,

I was in tears and fed up with what was coming out of her, even bring up things I had done as a kid but she forgets that some things she was bring up, she had started them. I did slap gentle her cheek to try and bring her to snap out of it which I DO know is wrong but I had enough of being blamed for what was going on when it was not my fault, I have been having suicidal thought because of this episode.

I am stuck now who to speak to for help or advice because it gotten into a right mess. I am not afraid to tell the police if she or someone else reported me for it because I felt like it might stop her than trying to shout at her which was not working. I can’t say I am sorry as she will not listen but I am still being made to feel like I was in the wrong when I know I am not but also I can’t take her threats of her telling me that dad will not cook me meals anymore. If things were normal I could have stayed else where or got hold of someone but as it not , I am stuck.

can anyone help or give advice on where to turn next.

So sorry you’re going through such a frustrating tough time.
You’re doing your best, trying to do all the right actions and followup communications to facilitate a dialogue that can help your Mum. I’m guessing she’s not really able to ‘compute’ the situation logically, so even when you try to explain things it may not be resonating or clear for her.

I hear the guilt you’re feeling about tapping her on the cheek. It’s so tough. The first time I had to ‘shout’ at my Dad (who’s passed away now - he had vascular Dementia) to ‘get-through’ to him or snap him out of a rant was heartbreaking. Later, it became the only way to snap him back to ‘consciously’ re-assess what he was doing because somewhere deep down the shock of his daughter shouting at him, resonated. We then had the big swing to him crying & apologising and being full of self recriminations.
So I empathise.

Given you’re feeling so frustrated & caught up in it all, my only advice would be to find someone for yourself, to talk to first - about how you’re feeling and the impact on you. It’s a cliche to say ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’, because as carers it sometimes feels like there’s no cup only a deep well that’s now being excavated! BUT talking to experts helps and if they are experienced they can share other similar cases & follow-up actions

Here’s a few links for you:

For your Mum - Also, you mentioned aggressive behaviour. I had a distant aunt who’s GP recommended the need for sectioning. As she was threatening physical violence and not taking pills and being abusive. Here’s some information on ‘Being Sectioned’ which is a VERY tough situation to go through but is dependent on GP & medical advice, unless Police are involved.

I hope since you posted, you’ve been able to get some help, or things have got a little easier.
If not I hope this has helped a little.
best wishes

It is time to start thinking about residential care I’m afraid. Caring for someone with serious dementia is too much for one person. It needs a team of people. Focus on what mum needs, not wants. Have you asked for more care? It’s impossible to get through to someone or snap out of it if they have serious dementia. Is her GP aware of how serious the dementia is? Can you record her on your phone? Keep a diary? My lovely mum in law and sister in law both, never a cross word between us,spent the end of their lives in a specialist nursing care after all other options had failed.

Thanks for the help and advice. trying to record it is hard due to the different acts that are around. She would not have been this way normally but with the break down of communication she is sort of off her meds. The gps know about it, have given us something to hold her down until the mental health team does something. The thing is they have checked her for Dementia , all the test are negative for her . This is down to BiPOLAR where you have got the mental health part and the behaviour part. with the med she was on it would hold it in check. I will try the gps again today, see if they can speak to me. They were partly aware what happen yesterday when I told them how i felt before having the covid jab. I think if they were not busy with that , they would have found time to talk to me. but the place was full.

In that case, it seems criminal to leave her short of the meds which she needs to keep her condition stable.

Dear Michael

We are sorry to hear about the complex and difficult situation you find yourself in.

Just a note to let you know that we have emailed you with some suggestions as to help you might be able to access and we hope that you might find some of them useful.

With warm good wishes

Carers UK Carer Support team