Unhappy with living arrangements


My dad (nearly 90) has been living with my husband and I for 8 years. He has just been in hospital with the flu and has been diagnosed with AF.
He is a very difficult man (always has been) and now, we are at the end of our tether. We have had no life for 8 years and he can’t/won’t do anything for himself. He cannot make his own meals when we are out as he has always refused to learn. When we are out at work, he won’t go to the toilet and urinates outdoors on the plants, killing them off. He hasn’t had a bath for years and smells bad, despite me nagging (I have let medical professionals know this). He won’t change his clothes unless I really nag him and then he goes into a major sulk. We can’t go on like this as our marriage is suffering- I feel my husband will leave because he can’t stand the situation anymore. He won’t give me power of Attorney so I can’t make any decisions and feel that this is my life now and sometimes I feel like killing myself just to get out of this awful situation. He has refused any external care and has been assessed physically as fit to get around. He has been referred to the memory clinic and we are waiting for an appointment with a social worker to have a family meeting.
My dad was abusive when we were younger- physically and emotionally, therefore my siblings have nothing to do with him although my brother says he will come to the meeting.
Is there any way we can get him out of our house, for the sake of our sanity?

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So sorry to hear you are in such a position, please keep checking back for replies.

You need the SW meeting before he’s discharged if you can and the memory assessment but I doubt that will happen because they will want the bed.

He is sounding beyond your care especially when you are out at work, he is becoming a safety risk to himself and a safeguarding issue.

The SW needs to know about his behaviours and the extent to which they are and the detrimental effect on your life and marriage.

It is time to accept that he needs residential placement.

However, if he is at home with you, SW will push to keep him there to save them time and money, they might push for you to give up work - they cannot make you do that, absolutely no way.
They will talk about carers coming in during the day, but that is just a half hour visit for personal care and a drink and a snack, he might refuse, he is still alone the rest of the day to urinate on the plants etc.

If he is still at the hospital refuse to have him back, stop answering the phone to the hospital and tell social services you don’t want him back in the home for safeguarding as he needs 24/7 supervision, he is wrecking your marriage and you are suicidal with the situation and over him coming back home.

They are looking at it from their objectives
Hospital - get him out of the bed for someone else
SW - keep him at home with them caring for him to save money and there are no residential places.

Where are you in those objectives? You are the convenient dumping ground to solve their problems, save effort and save money. Your marriage, life and wellbeing do not come into it because it is about your father and their objectives/budgets.

Be prepared to fight hard.
I’ve had to have a few hard fights for my mum once was when they wanted to discharge her from a ward that was closed to norovirus, it was a rough battle with the discharge officer, physio and someone else all phoning me constantly to wear me down, I argued them back each time including unsafe discharge, then I got fed up and stopped answering my phone so they couldn’t discharge her.

Last year when my mum had a fall, they discharged her told me they were sending her home by hospital transport, so they are getting wise with people and forcing discharge on them.

Do check back for more helpful replies with more useful information.

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Where is he now? UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should the hospital send him anywhere until a proper Needs Assessment has been done.
They MUST do a Carers Assessment involving you. I know hospitals are overstretched and understaffed but that does not give them any right to send him back to YOUR home. He has no right to live there!

Your caring days are over, it’s time you and your husband had time in peace together, in a fresh smelling home.

Like Breezey, I have had many battles with hospitals over my mum’s care, I could write a book on them!

The bottom line is that dad has no legal right to live with you. Even if he has mental capacity. Does he have a key with him? Consider changing the locks if he does. If not, consider both going away for a couple of weeks, with the house locked. Tell the hospital CEO, in writing, sent by Special Delivery, that dad is now their responsibility. Your marriage can’t take any more.

Thank you so much for your replies - he has been at home for a week since being discharged - I feel I missed an opportunity there. The SW is coming to our house next Tuesday x

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You will need to be VERY tough. Did any of the procedures I’ve outlined take place? If at all possible make sure your husband is with you at the meeting, and he makes it very clear that he’s going to leave unless dad does.

This is to be a long reply. You need to meet up with the social worker in order to discuss everything and make some brief summary notes too. Try to remain very calm in addition here. Listen carefully to what is being said. Focus on what needs to happen next and make solid plans.