Hi, this is my first post but W am becoming desperate and I hope someone out there can give me some support or advice please.
I’ll start from the beginning- here goes…
My dad has never been a good father-growing up, he was abusive to me, my sister and two brothers and he would spend what little he and my mum had on drinking and gambling, meaning rent and bills didn’t get paid and we had our electricity cut off. On top of this, he got sent to prison for thieving at his rare place of work.
Anyway, fast forward to 8 years ago and my long suffering mother sadly died. My dad was then attacked in his own home and my sister then took him to live with her and her family on the south coast. Three months later, they said they couldn’t have him anymore. We were pressured into having him (by physical threats and guilt) and now, eight years have gone by.
My dad is 88 and in good physical health but he won’t go anywhere-he just sits in our summerhouse all day, smoking and watching tv.
He is an extremely miserable man who makes me feel guilty for going anywhere. He always says’oj, you’re leaving me on my own again’
He is dirty and hasn’t had a bath or shower in years and I have to nag him to change his clothes.
This is affecting my mental health and my marriage and I feel like we’re tiptoeing around our own home. We both work full time and I’m beginning to feel really depressed and resentful, especially because my siblings come nowhere near (they hate him). Please help…
Hi Al,
Welcome to the forum.
I’m appalled that you were bullied by siblings to have him when they didn’t want him any more!!
The truth is that no one can be forced to care.
It is time for you and your husband to stand up to dad, and tell him he has to leave.
Start the process by speaking to Social Services and arranging a Carers Assessment for you. Make sure it is away from your home, so you can speak freely.
It’s then time for your husband to take control as far as dad is concerned.
It’s YOUR house, YOUR rules. YOUR marriage.
He has no right whatsoever to stay there. especially as he is poisoning your house with his smoke and his unwashed smell and dirty clothes.
Even the nicest dad in the world has no rights to stay with you.
If he had been a wonderful dad, you might feel this is “payback” for all the great things you did growing up. Not in this case!!
Make it clear to Social Services that he MUST move out by November 1st. If you don’t give them a date, they’ll let it drag on and on. He needs residential care or sheltered housing. It’s up to SS (Social Services) to sort that out.
Fight for your marriage and your freedom, before it’s too late. I was widowed at 54, and I’ll always believe that the stress of caring for our son, and all four disabled parents, was a major cause of my husband’s heart attack.
Hello Al
I’m sorry to hear about your difficult on-going situation with your father, you’ve certainly come to the right place to get some support and advice from other carers on this matter. It might also be worth getting in touch with our helpline too, they can be contacted by phone or email on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or by email (advice@carersuk.org)
We’re also running series of online weekly meet ups for carers to get together and chat informally. People say they’ve found it really helpful and supportive and it’s nice to be able to take a little bit of time for yourself. There’s no pressure to share any more than you’re comfortable with. Join up details are here: Online meetups | Carers UK
It would be lovely to see you there.
with best wishes
Ingrid
Oh Al what a horrible situation to be in. as Bowlingbun says you need to get in touch with social services and tell them it has now become an emergency situation.
having said that, you will be aware that we will be having thousands of people coming to the UK so that’s a massive strain on our already overburdened housing stock. Do NOT allow them to tell you that your Dad is not priority now. He is and you shouldn’t be in this awful situation.
Let us know how you get on and take care.