Hi I’ve just started caring for my elderly dad who has moved in with me my partner and 20 year old son. It’s been a month and I’m struggling. He is very controlling and intrusive on our privacy. When I agreed to him moving in he was extremely ill and has now made a miraculous recovery. Although my brother had been told he was end of life care? The latest problem I’m having is that the nurses arranged a hospital bed for him as he had bed sores . Hes been sleeping well and I assume he could poss deteriorate and this bed is air filled etc But he now wants us to bring his own bed over which he had stopped sleeping in as he couldn’t get in and out! My question is do we just do as we are told by him? Tried talking to him about what if he can’t sleep etc. We don’t have room for both beds so would have to send hospital bed back. Sorry to go on but I’m not coping too well as he is a bit of a bully x

It’s a shame you didn’t find our forum before he moved in!
This seldom works.
You and your partner need to be very honest with him, it is NOT working.
Sadly, it’s only going to get worse and worse until he dies.

Does he have his own home still?
Does he own or rent the property?
Is he claiming Attendance Allowance?
Does anyone have Power of Attorney?
Does he have over £23,000 in savings?
Has anyone mentioned NHS Continuing Healthcare?

I’m concerned that no one has even had an honest conversation with you about his health issues, why, for example, have they told your brother, not you (!) that he is terminally ill??

Dad needs to go back to his home now he is “better” and sleep in whichever bed he wants.

I’m concerned too about your relationship with your partner and son. Did they agree to him moving in?

If dad is elderly with severe health issues, either he goes back to his own home, with appropriate support, or he moves into residential care.

I know this all sounds hard, but my husband and I supported, in various ways, all four parents and our brain damaged son. Our lives and our health were ruined. My husband had a massive heart attack and died in his sleep. I developed a life threatening illness, major surgery saved my life but left me with lifelong health issues.

Dad can rule his own house but he CANNOT tell you what to do in your home!

First off, don’t accept the bullying.

The air mattress on the hospital bed is not given to people unless it’s needed, and it’s there to prevent more sores developing. And they will if he doesn’t use it.

You accommodated him because you were asked to - you did and do not have to do so. If he needs to stay with you, he needs to follow the rules of the house, and if he wants change he needs to negotiate in good faith or…well, that’s up to you. But you need to be clear about how far you are willing to take things and stick to them.

I know how difficult that is. I had to give that message to my parents over 20 years ago. It was not a happy moment.

Thank you for your help. I am not coping at all but I will let you know what I will do when I can get out of this depressive hole

Is there any way you could see your GP and explain how you are struggling?. It does sound as if you should not be trying to care for your difficult bullying father frankly. Do not mean to sound harsh but it is YOUR home, and he is the guest. Can you get him to go home writing to his GP, and saying they have a ‘duty of care’ to keep him safe? And that for your own mental health you are limiting the amount of help you are prepared to offer?

Re the hospital bed, you have my sympathy as I had real issues with husband refusing to have this and felt mega trapped between the District Nurses and my husband who is non medically compliant. As long as your father has ‘mental capacity’ then he is allowed to refuse the bed but the pressure sores could cause huge issues with regard to infection.

Unfortunately there is a long history of broken down relationship with my brother and so until recently communication has been little. Back in November my dad was deteriorating and basically my brother stopped going round and I felt sorry. Dad and my brother (power of attorney)literally put his house up for sale the same week as he moved in with us. So there is no house. He has now become his old self and I am being reminded of how I was treated as a young girl. Not harmful but narcissistic. My brother is currently in the maldives and my dad will not even stay here whilst my partner and I go out for a few hours! He expects one of us to be here at all times! Told us the other day that we can’t go on holiday until he’s dead. Should I really be praying for that? No I guess not. But can anyone help please. We’ve a motorhome on the drive and my dad thinks it’s funny that we can’t use it! Even told a nurse the other day that we were planning on taking him with us in it! Never in a million years. I feel like I sound so selfish but truthfully my parents never cared for their parents and I feel my brother tricked me by getting dad so low through his gp putting him on morphine which he now doesn’t need so I thought he was dying and didn’t want him to be alone . Sorry for the long message

Joanne, don’t get mad, get even.

Report your brother to the Office of Public Guardian for misuse of the POA. Do this asap.
Is he using the money for the house to fund his holiday???
Where is the money kept? How much per week does brother give you for dad’s board and lodging and your nursing care?
Where did he get the morphine from to drug dad?
That’s a really serious issue.

The money MUST be used for dad, and dad only.
So there should be enough for dad to live in a nursing home until he dies.
Don’t leave this until all the money is gone, ring the OPG immediately.

Your Dad is there because you invited him.

You CAN uninvite him.

You CAN leave him on his own for a couple of hours. If he doesn’t like it, tough. Not his choice. And, frankly, this is the thing you need to do for your own sanity. Go out for a meal with your husband. He can’t stop you.

If he does need someone with him at all times he can go into a care home.

It’s easy for me to say this, but if you don’t take back some control, the damage will be worse.

Joanne your father sounds just like my 82 year old husband. I totally agree with Charles you have to try and take some control back for your own mental health and your husband’s. You do sound as if you have been seriously mislead by your brother.

I would echo going out for a few hours and taking ‘control’ back as it is YOUR home and YOUR life. I also agree if your father is not safe to be left for a few hours, then yes, he should be in a home with 24/7 care as no way can you do this.

Thinking of you as I know how easy it is for me and for Charles and BB to give advice, but putting it into practise is hard and these (usually Male) highly articulate manipulative bullies can play mind games with the strongest of us. But they are ‘bullies’ and when everything is stripped off, frightened old men terrified of losing control. But if you do stick up for yourself, you will find they usually back down.

Please phone your GP and please please please think of finding a good supportive counselor as you cannot go on like this.

Thank you for all your help. I got a bit brave today! Told dad we were going to b and q and he would be ok for an hour or so. Initially he seemed put out but we did it! Baby steps. Also the brother has just turned up and I made a comment regards dad’s miraculous recovery from being at deaths door! He commented that it was the surgery doing it! I’m not convinced! And knowing how long brother has used the same surgery I’d like to know how I can find out if Dr has acted with my brother??
Thank you all so much xx

Well done Joanne.
Don’t forget what I said about reporting your brother as he has abused his power of attorney.

You can start the conversation with the OPG by simply saying “I wonder if you can help me? Please can you explain what should happen when a house is sold by the appointee?”

Hello Joanne. Baby steps indeed! You must start somewhere but Dad will need to be left alone for much longer than one hour. I have read through this entire thread and endorse the points made by the other posters. In particular I have noted:

  • Your dad moved in just over a month ago.
  • He wants to bring his own bed over.
  • Your brother put Dad’s house up for sale the same week as Dad moved in with you.

Now it usually takes more than a month to sell a house, particularly at this time of the year. So has the house actually been sold yet? If so, where is Dad’s bed which he wants to bring? If not - get it off the market as soon as you can. If your dad has effectively made himself homeless this will be much more difficult to sort out.

Urgently report your brother to the Office of Public Guardian, as Bowlingbun suggests. Talk to your GP. Find out from Dad’s medical records if there was any substance in the suggestion that he needed end-of-life care.

Parents have dominion over their young children. But as children become adults, capable of taking care of themselves and making their own decisions, the dominion recedes, though obviously children should still respect their parents. You Dad sounds like has not got used to not treating you as a child, a common problem. In your house your Dad stays on YOUR terms.

Please do not feel guilty and let us know how you get on. It is going to be tough at times but you have support in this forum.

Today Has been a testing day. Its been boiling for a while! I feel ashamed to say that it’s only been 2 months that dad moved in but so many things have been building and I believe I have ptsd from a child! This morning my partner and I agreed that he would do shower and dress dad although I still believe he can do it himself! So I took a leisurely shower. On opening my bedroom door to let my dog in whilst I’m still in towel ! I’m faced with my dad sitting on his bed in pants saying come on I’m cold! I said I’d asked husband and he told him I had to do it cos he wanted cream on and clean shirt! I lost it and said are you telling me I’m not entitled to a morning off! Fuming I showed him three shirts and he asked for one that wasn’t there and was still waiting to be ironed! At this moment I had to leave the house and hide in shed . Am I being unreasonable? Needless to say you can cut the air with a knife all day! Can I just ask for him to be taken into care? Or do I have to put up with losing my life? I’m taking it out on my husband and I can’t live like this at all? I’m going insane and was already on anti depressants and dad only cares about himself!

I take it you didn’t contact the Office of the Public Guardian?

I just reread your post which said your Dad AND brother (power of Attorney) sold the house so I don’t think there’s anything you can do about that.

It is hard enough caring for someone you love let alone someone who is making your life so miserable. I feel for you.

I contacted gp as was advised and they backed the story of morphine being used to treat breathlessness which apparently can be cleared? I’m sorry I’m out of my depth with regards reporting as my brother is much wiser than me and if my dad found out I’d reported him i would suffer more

You must contact the OPG and stop worrying about dad taking it out on you. Call a taxi and send him packing to your brother and let the two of them sort it out!
You didn’t create this mess, they did!
Don’t wait until your husband leaves you. Your marriage is more important.

Hello again Joanne. I’m glad you stood up to your dad a bit more this time. It’s a pity you felt the need to hide, but at least you walked out of the row - the best tactic when any controversial discussion becomes heated. I hope you did not give him the unironed shirt. No, you are not being unreasonable; he is.

I contacted gp as was advised and they backed the story of morphine being used to treat breathlessness which apparently can be cleared? I’m sorry I’m out of my depth with regards reporting as my brother is much wiser than me and if my dad found out I’d reported him i would suffer more

So the GP has not backed up your brother’s story that Dad was in an end-of-life condition. This strengthens your case for reporting to the Public Guardian. If you find the idea of reporting somewhat daunting, you could first visit Citizens’ Advice, who could guide you on how to approach and allay some of your worries. Don’t be intimidated by your brother seeming smart; it sounds as though he has plenty to answer for. Don’t run scared of Dad finding out; your situation is bad enough as it is and will get worse if you do not act. Surely your husband and son will stand by you when things get tough? What can your dad do against the three of you?

. . . Can I just ask for him to be taken into care? Or do I have to put up with losing my life? . . .

If someone is being considered for residential care, it is usual for a social services assessment to be made. Factors considered, including the patient’s state of health, include their present accommodation arrangements and how much money they have to their name, because as Bowlingbun pointed out persons with more than £23 000 need to fund themselves. Social Services would also investigate the patient’s present or previous house. If it had been sold recently, the proceeds of the sale would count as the patient’s monetary assets. The care home would want to know about any power of attorney. It wants to make sure its bills will be paid, after all.

I suggest you sort things out with the Public Guardian before you start to consider residential care.

By my reckoning, your house went on the market two months ago. Has it been sold yet, or have there been any offers?

Joanne. So sorry for your situation.
The office of public guardianship will not name you as the person who has expressed concerns. It would be unethical. You could talk to them re your concerns regarding your brother and father finding out. It’s their job to protect your father’s finances. X