So I know I have posted a lot on here with everything that is going on. However things lately have stepped up a gear and have gotten more real and it’s very nerve racking.
The building I work in has suddenly gone up for sale. I’ve known it was happening for a while but to see the board up when I returned to work on Monday really brought it home. My job is safe and the business remains unaffected but still.
Second it’s my final week at my partners family home. I will be moving out at the weekend, and I am very nervous. I just have to sign off my contract. I have gone for three months to keep me from panicking. I don’t know what to expect really. Part of me is looking forward to it. The other half is very scared. Me and my partner are staying together, he is staying to help his mum.
I’m also still waiting for mums care package which has been signed off I think. She is also on the assisted living list now. I’ve been told that she is between 10 and 20th place on the list. (Probably the lower end of that) However it is not necessarily allocated on that. They say it’s based on what comes available in terms of need, and what the place has. So it depends on the needs of the other people on the list, it also depends if they are on the list for any other facilities too. I have also been told that because of the sad situation with the NHS at the moment more places are becoming available. I just hope it happens soon.
Mum keeps asking me about it and is getting more and more anxious. I’m afraid I just can’t help her like that anymore.
However it is life is pretty full on at the moment and I am a whirlwind of emotions. I am still powering through but taking bruises alot.
I suppose my biggest thoughts right now lie on the next few months.
Hugs. I hope that you can find another place fairly soon that is appropriate. Good luck. If it helps I recommend contacting some offices in order to find out more. Most have email addresses in addition on which interested people can contact them on these days. Many offices are spacious enough for people to use. I would search on that basis. Keep us updated.
You are in my prayers.
Try keeping a notebook/diary. Every night before you go to sleep write down what has happened during the day, especially the positives. If there is something you are worried about, write that down too. Just a few words,not an essay. Do this every night, accept there’s nothing more you can do, and close the diary. There is nothing more to do for that day. Then you can see how things are going and what changes you need to make, I’ve done this most of my married life, my son always gives me a new diary for Christmas every year. Every so often I’ll pick up one of the old ones and say “do you realise what we were doing x years ago?”
Yes I do see it as the beginning of something new.
I think things need to change definitely.
I just feel so resentful of mum really. The more and more I think about it, I just kind of don’t like her at the moment. Our relationship is so fractured, and she has put us through hell the last couple of years. I know that is hard to say about my mum, but it’s true. I know I have gone above and beyond for her.
I was advised by the social worker not to return home as my old room was covered in mould and mice droppings. Mum wants me to return home but it seems like she wants me for her own benefit.
It’s now been two years since dad died and she is still the same. I don’t want to go back to feeling trapped.
The way I have been feeling lately just means I want my freedom a whole lot more.
It’s going to sound abit like the sitcom afterlife, but I guess it’s so related to how I feel and experience things. Coincidentally I also work as a journalist for a small independent newspaper. In the sitcom he meets people who help him on his journey, and well that’s how I see my job. Sometimes I will see something or someone will tell me something that makes me think.
With mum caring for her has always been a thankless task which has just felt like it’s never enough for her. Yet the amount of times I have walked past the local community building to see an article I wrote up in the window. I never expect it, and it always lifts my spirits to know someone was touched by something I did. Not that I want to toot my own horn or anything, it’s just nice and makes me feel better.
Someone I interviewed recently also told me about the impact of nature and its use as a healer. I guess that helped to
I’m not sure if my admission will help you…?
My sister’s and myself didn’t have the easiest if childhoods. I loved my parents very much but I didn’t always like my mother. She had an awful childhood herself. Research has shown how awful. I never understood why she didn’t want ours to be lovely. I have a feeling she thought it was because certainly better than hers. Both parents suffered ill health
But it’s true,you can love someone but really not like them. It’s not law, that you love or like a relation.
It’s your turn for a peaceful happy life, very much deserved.
Now the social worker understands the state of the house, and why you CANNOT go back, is a real step forwards, because for too long you have not been taken seriously. You can look forward to a much brighter future, but there will be a few “bumps in the road” this year. We are here for you. Is there anything of yours at mum’s place that can be rescued? Does mum own or rent the property?
She rents it, stuff can be saved. Mum has been advised to have a clear out though due to the space available in the accommodation. I just hope she gets it soon. I have agreed I will go into this place with her on a short term basis when the time comes, if needed.
However, me and my partner are considering moving in together down the line.
I am extremely apprehensive about moving really. I know things are moving forward but the next few months are going to be hard. My contract just says till April 30th. Yet on the other hand I’m looking forward to some space away from everyone, well specific people.
I do feel quite damaged from the whole ordeal too. Just very damaged and untrustworthy of people. I know I have to work on that, and I am.
I do want to find some community groups to go to aswell. The trouble is a lot of them are on in the day time and obviously I can’t attend due to work. I just feel like I want to repair my relationship with the world.