The mental toll caring for a mother

I’m 20, have an emotionally immature 44 year old mother who is so prideful and self-absorbed and as I’ve the last year n a half recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia, cardiovascular problems, musculoskeletal problems, previous 20+ bloodclots on her heart and lungs and Borderline personality disorder and doctors said it was a miracle she even survived.

which has forced me into a position I didn’t want. There already was tension between me and my family’s relationship as I’m often times either invisible or a victim by association being blood related to my parents (theres too much family trauma there I don’t even wanna touch lol), but now the tension has only gotten more strain threads startin to break as the sympathy I once had for her is draining due to her behaviour.

to make matters even worse I have two younger siblings aged 7 and 8. I do school runs, feed them, bathe them, keep them entertained… I’m basically filling a parental role for both my siblings and my mother.

I haven’t had my driver’s test yet, owning car is out the question atm as we struggle financially, my plans of moving out quickly got scrapped so now I’m a live in carer for her 24/7, I haven’t had the chance to get my first job yet and I have zero support. I don’t tell the 2 friends I have the extreme lengths I’m being stretched with but almost daily I am exhausted/emotionally drained, im having suicidal thoughts, I wake up with tension headaches frequently, I lose any sense of time as I don’t go literally anywhere in case something bad happens but same time as horrible as it sounds I grow apathetic towards her to the point her dying feels like it’s the only way out when I know it certainly isn’t.

Im so tired and I struggle already as it is with my own mental health I haven’t had the chance to even get a psychiatrist for my own problems. I rarely get time for myself fully I just Its so incredibly hard…

I’m sorry for my ramble, I have no-one to turn too, after reading some others issues I just felt compelled to add my own feelings.

HUGS, you have been doing your very best, at great personal costs, especially in terms of freedom.
I think now is the time to give up trying to be Superwoman and start yelling “Help” as loudly as possible!

Has mum every had a Needs Assessment from Social Services, and you, a Carers Assessment?
Are the school aware of the situation at home? Have you asked if they can help in any way at all?
Is mum claiming disability benefits? Do you get Carers Allowance.
Have you spoken to your doctor? Asked for counselling?

What would you like to happen now, most of all?
Not for their benefit, but for your own well being?

thankyou for your words!

my mum hates social services with a passion, it hurts her pride if and when they do get involved and does her best to get rid of them quickly, and sorry but I can’t remember if I have had a carers assessment or not…

the school are aware of the situation but again mum only tells them tiny details due to her pride. as she states repeatedly to me “hates feeling like a charity case” so refuses a LOT of outside help which is a pain.

regarding your claiming ask yes we do get this. she is also currently awarded a disability car so on days she doesn’t flare up she can use this to get around.

I recently switched doctors as my previous one refused me the help I pleaded, I went through 3 counsellors all which left me once I explained myself and asked for any form of help! im trying to get another one however they only do phone consultations at the moment (due to COVID) so I haven’t been able to book one as I have no privacy here.

what I’d really like is someone else to just take over for me so I can just focus on my career better honestly. if I work towards my ambition the money id eventually earn from that will greatly help me get away from this entire situation, live like a living being making my own choices and not some toy… :unsure:

The last paragraph says it all. You need to escape.
Star with asking for a Carers Assessment, and say that you want to exercise your RIGHT not to care.

What sort of work do you plan to do?

I plan to be a marine conservationist! I’m currently in the process of applying for university to study a honours degree in environmental studies at home.

I’ll try my best to get an assessment done I didn’t even know that was a thing you could do. thankyou again for the advice

You deserve a life of your own. You say her pride gets in the way of accepting help, but there’s another aspect. She would rather demand care from you than accept outside help. She is putting her own needs/pride before your well being! Mothers should support their children to realise their dreams, be happy, love, have kids, their own homes.

I cried because of how much I can relate to how your feeling.
Having zero support and struggling yourself I think is the worst part about it. If you want to chat or vent then please reach out to me, I’m 24 and unfortunately it hasn’t got any easier for me.
Currently have to make a decision whether to be a carer and continue feeling like this or focus on my own life.

Madison, is your course wholly at home, or do you have to go to college one day a week? You need to get back out into the world again, I’m afraid mum will take a dim view or your studying at home. My husband did when I did my degree, study at home, but college one day per week. I only just managed to persuade him that the residential was vital!