Hello all
I’ll try keep this short as can be. I’ve joined this forum in the hope of making sense of my emotions and how to manage them.
We very recently found out my Mum’s (58) cancer has come back in multiple places, with a plan for palliative chemo to start soon. She’s been declining for a few months, more so the last few weeks as she went off work with increasing back pain. I live away but have been popping back every week to support picking up prescriptions, shopping, cleaning etc. After the GP prescribing new pain relief each week, with no effect, she got to a point where she wasn’t eating/drinking and sleeping all day and I got an urgent face-to-face appointment which resulted in a trip to A&E and a hospital stay, where she still is. It was a relief for her to go into hospital as seeing her like that was horrendous.
We are both from a healthcare background so it has been difficult knowing a lot about what’s going on as well as what may be to come. She has a few different things going on that they’re treating her for currently. The decline in the space of a week is significant - she’s walking with a zimmerframe, incontinent, sleeping in bed and not getting up, not replying to the mountain of texts from friends or catching up on her soaps (not like her at all). This has shocked me, and has brought up a variety of complex emotions. I feel I could not cope if she came home, and I expressed this concern today to her and the doctor. Mum was very snappy with me, and has accused me of making things harder for her by voicing other concerns about her oral intake, mobility, mild confusion to list a few. I am doing this from a place of care and concern, which I have told her.
I was also able to tell my autistic brother (26) more about what’s going on today, as I had avoided it until we had a plan about the treatment options. He seems to have taken this better than I thought, but this past year hasn’t been great for his mental health and in the last few months he has turned a corner with counselling, which I fear is going to go backwards. I am currently staying with him at Mum’s (about an hour and a half away from my home) due to him needing some general practical and emotional support - my Mum has done pretty much everything for him that leaving him alone would not end well. I (27) am also a final year student nurse and have a life with a boyfriend and friends where I live, currently putting all this on hold until the foreseeable. We have reconnected with my Dad who lives abroad and he has provided a great deal of support to us both - Mum and him have been separated for some time and I feel she has a lot of emotions about this contributing to her cancer. This has been a common theme she has brought up every time I’ve seen her, adding to the strain on our relationship.
In summary, I am dealing with a lot of feelings of anger, sadness, anxiety and frustration about the near and distant future. I am worried about Mum coming home and adjusting to having a more hands on role in caring. I was very emotional today even doing it (I would like to think that because I have a passion for caring and have done so for so many people so far, that for my own family it would be easy, but I feel like I can’t cope). I recognise that this is such an emotional time for her, and she has said she is fed up. I feel it is really hard to have any meaningful conversation about emotions with her right now.
I feel like I am suffering but this makes me feel selfish and guilty. I just wanted to know if this is normal and how I could make the situation better? I have enquired about some counselling so far.
All the best, Lydia