Hi, new to the site and need to talk

All about caring
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Don’t know where to start really. The last few weeks have tested all my strength and resolve.
I work in care and support and have done so for 20 years but I also care for my parents who both currently have cancer.
I like to think I am strong and can cope but I just feel like someone is repeatedly punching me everyday at the moment. I struggle to stay cheerful, I wake up tired, I get knots of anxiety randomly that I find hard to control.

I have hit a wall and feel alone and vulnerable. I am a grown up man and don’t expect to feel like this.
I don’t want to let anybody down but I need to take control of my life. I want that control so I can continue to be a support to my parents.

It’s been a hard process all along but at the moment it feels ten times as hard.

Sorry I don’t want depress anyone but I just have to talk about it and reach out to other people. I just don’t know what else to do.

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Sorry to hear about your parents having cancer. That must be so hard. Anyone would struggle in your situation. You’re very welcome here and will get lots of support. I’m only new around here, but there’s some very knowledge people on here who will be able to give you advice.

Are you getting any support? At my work, there’s a person to speak to if anyone is struggling with mental health. Have you access to anything like that?

The nurse in my doctor’s surgery is very good as well. She got me a carers assessment. Have you looked for anything like that?

From the way you describe feeling, the tiredness, the knot of anxiety, it sounds like you could be doing with reaching out for some help. You’re not letting anyone down

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And please never worry that you’re depressing anyone :blush: This is a nice safe place for any of us to come for a chat. Caring is hard and we all struggle sometimes.

I was on here the other night, in bits :sob:because i needed to talk and I’d nobody to talk to in real life, family unfortunately not always as supportive as would like. And it helped me coming here
:coffee::cupcake:

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Hi @Pipsqueak01 Oh boy I know how you feel! I have been f/t carer for my husband for the last two years or so after he had a fairly minor stroke (is ANY stroke really minor?) then followed a cascade of other health issues, prostate cancer, retinal haemorrhage requiring eye surgery, cardiac problems, respiratory issues, mobility problems… Now blackouts. Yep it all leaves me fed up and tired - even when I DO manage some sleep.

The only thing I do is get breaks when walking the dog. An hour before G gets up and similar in the afternoon. We’ve lost many of our friends and there are days when we dont see anyone to talk to.

I have to try to stay cheerful or he gets upset - not sure if/how I do it. I lose myself in writing and have created a world on my word processor! That’s a great escape.

As you say - men are not to feel emotions or have feelings - however the truth is we DO have emotions and feelings and as much as we try to hide them they find their way out. It nothing to be ashamed of or afraid of as if you bottle them up for too long the top suddenly pops off the bottle and whats inside fizzes all over the place.

Have you spoken to you GP about this? I’d recommend doing so. Hopefully you are registered as a Carer with GP too. Some say this hasnt helped but I find it does. Also your local Carers Support Service should be able to direct you to a listening service so you can unload.

However, on here you can unload; vent; moan; scream and shout and no one will take offence as we KNOW what its like.

If you look around on here you’ll find Roll Call thread - https://forum.carersuk.org/t/roll-call-february-2024/124457/387
which is where many of us chat about our days, our problems, worries, share support and generally have a chat. Its a lovely supportive place and we have all, at one time or another, needed to vent or accept support.

I note Shelly has just posted a reply too. There will be others who I am sure will follow up with comments and advice. As a Care Worker I would expect your employer to have something in place to provide backup for you.

Not sure if any of this starts to help, but we are here for you - the old saying “You are NOT alone”

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Hi, welcome to the forum. My parents and parents I’m law were all nearing the end of their lives at the same time, and our son was brain damaged at birth. They all expected us to do things for them, it was a nightmare, my husband died of a massive heart attack soon after his dad died, as I was recovering from major cancer surgery. You are not invincible! Don’t try to be Superman, start yelling for help. Do you live with them, or elsewhere? Do they own their home? Claiming all the benefits they are entitled to? How long do they have left? Try to make a list of all your main worries, what do you need/want most? Extra help for them to reduce the strain on you, residential care, or? Over the next week write down everything you are doing for them, then put it in order of priority. You are son, not slave.

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Hi @Pipsqueak01
Welcome and glad that you’re reaching out and here on the forum.
It sounds like you have a LOT of experience 20 years in care and support - WOWSER doing all that alongside caring for your parents is really tough.

Can you tell us a little more - like @Shelly1 asked - do you have any support caring for your parents?
Having your work experience, you know how tough it is for families, I’m sure, but when it comes to ourselves we still try to be superhuman, when we’re not.
Are you living with your parents or caring at a distance? Do you have siblings to help or doing it all yourself? Are your parents able to shower and toilet or are you doing all that too?

I hear you about being alone and vulnerable and please don’t impose pressure and expectations on yourself that belittle the amazing care and support you’re doing. You’re human, and allowed to feel however and whatever you feel, and whatever gender you are! Men are human and you are not some superhero!

BTW you’re not depressing any of us - we’ve read lots of anger, sad, depression as well as :nauseated_face: :face_with_symbols_over_mouth: :poop: :crazy_face: :crazy_face: :scream: :scream:

So go right ahead and express anything.It sounds like you need to let loose - so feel free…or talk to the helpline Helpline and other support | Carers UK

Maybe joining one of the Cuppas - online, would help you feel more connected and normalise everything you’re feeling?

Also, I love the Maggie centres: https://www.maggies.org/
If there’s one near you, they are calming social places for cancer patients and their loved ones. I talked to a counsellor in one of the centres and also checked on finance stuff with them too. They’re also great sources of information about local services and support and are usually linked with Macmillan nurses. The Macmillan nurses do telephone calls to support families - both for the cancer patient AND the carer.

I hope some of this offers some leads to follow up on to feel less alone and to get more care support which, in the end, is what I would recommend.
What you’ve described sounds like burnout - I know it well, AND I know what PTSD is as a result of being conditioned into a permanent hypervigilant state for so long caring for Dad - it is all too familiar to many carers - so please be kind and compassionate to yourself.
Whatever you choose - you’ve reached out here and you’re already NOT alone…you’ve got us now!
Let us know how you’re doing

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Hi Victoria

Yes I am Living with my mum and dad at this time. It’s a lot of work but obviously I am determined to help in every way I can.
My father is currently in hospital so that means a lot of visiting and organizing.

Id like to thank you for reaching out and hopefully stay in touch. It means a lot to hear other voices in all this.

Marty

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Welcome Marty - @Pipsqueak01
Initially when I resigned from my job in Brussels, I rented my place in another city nearby, but then 80% of my time was living with Mum and Dad, so I gave up renting.

Everyone on the forum has so much experience, empathy and support, you’re not alone.
Also, we all know that being in hospital means more work a lot of the time for us, carers.

Beware of unsafe discharges - if you’ve not experienced hospital discharges like some of us it can be really stressful - here’s a great list of resources by Carers UK
https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/practical-support/coming-out-of-hospital/