I found it very stressful - sad, and all sorts dealing with placing my mother into care, and sadly she was only there just over six months and then she passed, due to Dementia and as they put it Biological Frailty.
I am not one of those people who just wants to go and join something or be with others, as I am not yet ready - its only just nearly 8 weeks since mum passed, we were very very close, I am finding it awful - and am not one for doctors drugs which often upset the body even more, I am having a little bit of counselling. I am now dealing with gut issues, all due to the stress.
prior to mum being in care I was looking after her for six years, and I just had my head down and got on with it. I find myself in a dark place, and having money issues to boot, I honestly do not know how I could keep on like this, but am not of the type to do anything silly, however, I think when one’ is so distressed in their minds that is only going to be like a continual stress signal to our bodies. I am doing many holistic interventions, but your mind knows you are devastated and tormented and sadly there is no magic want, Grief has a path to travel and time does not necessarily take away grief, we are always going to miss that special relative or friend. Certainly not having money issues would help a lot - food prices and energy - increases for so many and couldn’t have happened at a worse time. I don’t have any close friends - a few contacts on the internet, and my brother shuts me down if I try to talk about my emotional distress. it is not meant to read as a poor me post, but I am truly wondering how I will get through all of this.
Just wondering if others feel similar guessing if you have additional worries like money which is a big one at a time of such sadness…then you will be up against it. Also I am not easily able to go far from home as I also suffer with feeling panicky…
Firstly so sorry to hear about Mum. You posted a few months ago and I hope you found the responses you got at that time of help.
I can quite understand you not wanting to find ‘chemical remedies’ for your “deep dark place” as I am the same. Also talking to others is not for everyone. It’s very easy to say ‘let your emotions out and talk it through’ but some emotions are and will be far too personal to share.
My own view is that grief does NOT go away it just gets less but can be triggered by the ‘silliest’ of things - a sound; a word; a smell which anyone else would not even notice. That is because grief is about the most personal of all emotions.
It’s good that you ARE having some Counselling even if it doesn’t feel like it is helping, it may just focus your mind a little on the good things. My only suggestion is to try to look for just one positive each day and work from there. It may just be seeing a flower or a bird flying overhead. Watch out for it and focus on that and find some happy memories. I always try to think back to a wonderful National Trust garden we used to visit when I was a child and it has become my ‘happy place’ where I was innocent and care-free and can immerse myself in that old feeling of safety and contentment away from all the stresses and nastiness of the modern world.
It’s sad your brother shuts you down as he probably needs to talk about Mum as much as you do and to isolate himself means he is missing out on happy memories you could both share. Have you tried to explain how it feels when he does that? Not an easy conversation, but perhaps it is a coping strategy for him so he can hide his emotions.
Try asking the Counsellor for pointers to get financial help or guidance. It is a horrible time with prices rising steeply every time I go shopping and just adds to the worries you have. Check if you are eligible for any benefits - MonseySavingExpert website has a Benefit’s Checker which is anonymous and goes through getting you to enter your circumstances step by step and then lists any benefits you may be entitled to. Don’t be afraid to apply - if you are eligible you have a Right to them. Citizen’s Advice or AgeUK can also help with those issues.
Finally, this site is here to help you. We all know what it is like to be totally engrossed in caring and how much it takes out of you. You can always sound off on here - try the monthly Roll Call thread for general chitchat and see how some of us let of steam by being a bit silly or having a good laugh (at ourselves mostly!!) I KNOW people on here will want to help and support you so don’t be afraid to post and say whatever is on your mind. No-one will see it as a “pity-party” or judge you because you don’t know something or make what (to you) might seem a silly comment. If we haven’t already been there, we know people who have and can empathise rather than just sympathise.
Please stay in touch and draw strength from those around you on the site.
I do try to find anything good on each day to have gratitude for. I also try to get out for a walk – I can only go close to home but at least it gets me out.
I have like a background feeling that is now always there, and of course it relates to the overall situation I am now in - and all that this now encompasses.
I know that at this time I cannot get financial help, have done the things where you look up what you can get, I do get a discount on the Council tax, but I am living off my savings which were there for my older age, boy did I not do my due diligence, and I was not earning enough to do a private pension.
anyway your words are much appreciated and I will keep connected to this board. and thanks again
You are in my prayers. A grief cafe may be a good thing in order to help you to deal with your grief. I used to have a cheap blue diary in addition that I used for my emotions each night. I wrote in it. Perhaps investigate your local church to find out how they can help you through this difficult time of your life. Most churches are willing to support each other and it cannot really hurt either. Go for it. The church can do so much.
Best wishes. If you need any additional further support then feel free to message me privately on here. Be totally honest. Grief is a funny old emotion. Let it all out slowly is my advice to you. You can surely do this. Give yourself some time. Failing that you can see if you can hire a decent therapist for now. Many modern and public libraries have useful free mental health resources. I would begin there. Take home some copies each time you visit.
Hi Ms_Anne - what you’re going through is fairly typical for most carers whose role suddenly comes to a stop. Your whole life routine was based around your caring role and the hard part now is finding a purposeful routine to replace it. Some carers take a long time doing this, but the best thing is to try to settle a new routine as quickly as possible, as it will help with everything else. It’s a structure you can build the next phase of your life on.
Hello Ms Ann
If you could start with the simple things like going to bed then getting up at the same time it helps believe it or not. Took me a while so I understand.
Eventually you will find happier memories, and start to adjust. You probably feel at the moment you won’t.
Financial worries don’t help. Maybe do a check again or make an appointment with your bank?
As the others have said, please keep in touch.
Hello Ms Anne
It sounds as if you have lost a very precious relationship.
How sad and lonely for you.
Your mother and your relationship must have been very special and close.
Your depth of grief is a tribute to the love you and your mother shared.
Be kind to yourself
Welcome to the forum. I lost my husband when I was 54, 17 years ago. Be kind to yourself, it is very early days for you. Carers UK has a confidential advice line which may be able to help you concerning finances. My top tip would be to buy a copy of Starting Again by Sarah Litvinoff. Initially written for divorcees, it’s really helpful for anyone approaching a future alone, wondering “where do I go from here?” If you haven’t already, start a diary/notebook and write down good things, bad things, how you are feeling. Looking back on it in future you will realise how far you have travelled. First though, before you can move forward, you have to tie up the loose ends of your former life, which can be very depressing, but you won’t feel free until they are. Do one, or maybe two jobs a day, and soon they will all be over with.
Thank you for your kind words, indeed my mother is /was a beautiful kind funny caring and wise lady and I am so lost without her, I literally cannot speak to people in the way I spoke with her, I just have lost myself, I will find myself again --it is going to take some time. Yes I am looking after myself as best I can thank you
Thank you very sound advice, I find it hard to do much at all to be honest, I cannot believe how my life has done down the panny…it is something we cannot really be prepared for- I am glad I did not know how bad it would be to be honest. I am slowly dealing with mums ‘things’ but its going to take time . It must be done of course and yes it is very depressing. its such a hard time. I take my hat off to all those who are bereaved. thanks again.
Hi Ms Anne, Sending some virtual hugs, and sitting together with you during this painful time.
As an avid reader and because there was no space or time to seek counseling support (Dad passed then couple of weeks later mum was going into cancer surgery & chemo.) I sought out some books and try to find good website sources which help - here are some: https://refugeingrief.com/ I found the video on the website to be very true!
Julia Samuel has a few books
Everyone’s journey with grief is unique. Pls be kind to yourself.
I forgot to mention falling over the Cliff of Tiredness. When you realise you no
Longer have to be the Duracell Bunny, keeping going regardless, but you can sit and relax. Learning to be comfortable doing nothing may take some time!
Sadly, I’ve now lost all four of our parents, husband, brother and sister in law. As the first one of our friends to be widowed, the others were as shocked as I was, just didn’t know what to say to me. I didn’t want to wallow in grief, but show my sons that life must go on. I joined Way Up for those over 50 who have been widowed. We all agreed that the 6 month point was the lowest of all, as the paperwork of death is nearly over, brain fog is lifting, and you wonder what to do with your life now? For the next few weeks, only do what you must do, avoid all important decisions if possible.
Yes I am finding myself struggling much more with my level of energy, so just have to take it really easy, sorting out things will have to wait.! My probate will take probably another few months, despite it being a very very simple estate, and to be honest for the solicitors money for old rope, that I dearly need and feel so annoyed I have to part with it. but I am not well enough to deal on my own!
I have ring fenced out of mum’s very meagre savings the amount that will be needed. So at least I don’t have that concern, its more lasting until pension age. There is a review of the pensions for women who were not warned properly about their pension age going up!! it would so wonderful if the government had to let us have our pensions now!