Why am I feeling depressed, or having SH thoughts, even if I’m in a good place? I’m so used to it being simple and easy. Either up or down. But what am I supposed to do when it’s both? I have no reason to be down or hating myself, but I still find myself riding on the edge. Like, today I got stuff done and I was so happy and proud of myself. However, I’m finding my social battery low and not really interested in being around people. I want to shut myself in my room and just be alone. But yet, I’m not as tired as I usually am and more motivated to get work done. I’m even starting school back up next month. I’m so confused about my emotions and how to process them.
Mental health is such a difficult area, but maybe it’s one of those things where there doesn’t have to be a reason? It may just be a bit of a slapback to remind you that it’s a long road to feeling better?
I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling. There are definitely generational differences in parenting that result in trauma. My generation looked at having your mouth washed out with soap as a normal fact of life (at home, schools, church, etc.). Spankings were okay as long as they were with a bare open hand (they actually used to ask us if our folks hit us with objects, because that’s the only way to abuse). Our generation commonly had latchkey kids, where you were home alone from 3p-5p until your parent(s) got home. That usually started around 1st grade. Now it’s neglect.
I’m not defending any of it, BTW. It’s not about the motivations of the people who traumatized you, it’s about how the trauma affected you & how you’re learning to cope with it.