Stress over my Selfish 'Carer'

Hello all,

I just joined. I have BPD, Diverticular Disease, anxiety and spinal issues amongst other ailments. My carer is my partner and has been with me for 5 years. Yet, over the past 3 years he has been addicted to Facebook. I am bordering on reporting him to the DWP or Social Services just to shake him up or get some mediation. He is ex-Navy and addicted to his Groups which are all about ships. His PC and his iPad are his lifelines and some days he sleeps in until 4 PM. Then he’ll eat and go from bed straight to the computer - chatting utter nonsense about ships. He is mostly unreliable and if I moan he can get defensive.

Not too long ago, he smashed things up whilst drunk (but can be caring). I just need to steer him away from social media or this whole relationship can’t work.

Does anyone else have similar stories?

Lo xx

Hi Louise,

I appreciate requiring care and support is not easy, but nor is being the carer. Family and friend carers do it out of love (or a sense of duty.) Being a carer can be lonely especially if that is ‘all’ a person does. Many carers resort to social media as a distraction from day to day caring and to have contact with others.

Perhaps you would be better having a needs assessment and paid carers, then your partner can just be your partner again and not your carer too. He would then be able to go to work and to meet people and spend less time on social media.


Hi Louise
When my husband became ill and in need of care, I found myself more and more on my computer. It was ( still is) a lifeline.
Does your husband help you when you need it?
You state he talks utter nonsense about ships. Have you thought it may sound nonsense to you but is a hobby and interest to him, that seems harmless. Was a big part of his life.
I’m sorry if this reply sounds harsh as that is not my intention. Hoping you can see the situation from another perspective.
Have you interests of your own?
Getting up at 4pm doesn’t seem healthy I must admit. Has he a reason for that?

Surely your relationship has already broken down if you want to report your partner to DWP!? What are you going to do to make a life without him? What can you do by yourself? What do you need help with?
He needs male company, the navy is fully focussed on ships after all, I’m sure there are parts of that life he misses, and his fellow mates are on the internet. My late husband loved his steam engines!
However, it’s time to have a serious conversation with him about your future together. Are you prepared for the consequences? It’s not about you wanting to do this that and the other for you, but your future as a couple. Who owns the house, where would you both live if you split up etc? Are you prepared for some uncomfortable truths about his role as a carer?

Yes, it’s going to be very intimidating to be vulnerable and be neglected by a partner who sleeps in late, seems addicted to social media and gets drunk and breaks things.

By reporting him to the DWP, do you mean he receives carers allowance and isn’t meeting the criteria for it, in terms of his commitment?

There is an Armed Forces covenant that promises to look after Veterans. Is he aware of his options to get support from the relevant services and charities?

Statistically, carers are at greater risk of developing mental health conditions themselves due to the impact of their caring commitments, the stress and worry that they deal with, the social isolation that can result from their position.

I appreciate you have significant concerns about their caring capabilities towards you but who is looking after their well-being?