So... Here goes

This is going to be long so i double appreciate anyone who reads this.

I never really thought of myself as a carer just looked after everyone because thats in my nature. I run a small business from home so i can fit it around the looking after everyone. I am a single mum, my boyfriend with mh issues that i dont live with and my mum with mobility spinal and some mh issues too up until 3 years ago i looked after my dad too but we lost him in 2018, everyone fell apart so i did all the arrangements and officiated his funeral etc. Ive put my own emotions aside so i could focus on looking after the others.

Im struggling, i was told i wouldnt get carers allowance because although i do way more than the allotted hours its split between two of them so no point applying to lose wtc and be told no which would leave me royally stuffed. I usually start work for the day at around eleven midnight finish around 3 and fall into bed then up for 6.30 to start it all again.

I’ve lost my friends except two but they are busy people, i dont have time for anything or anyone. Boyfiend lives thirteen miles away and as i cant drive yet (im saving as best i can but with all the taxi fayres to and from his place its taking a while) this all takes up so much of my day i jokingly worked it all out and if i got everything done in a day that i should id be doing 27 hours a day. Mum is a very proud lady and doesnt acknowledge that im caring for her. She says she doesn’t need care she just asks a few favours from her daughter which is fair but i dont have time to do anything else.

I cant even get a proper job because my days need to be free to look after them and i have my son to look after too so i need to be at home at night. My business is in profit but barely especially after the last year.

Ive written and deleted incarnations of this three or four times now because reading it it just sounds like im whinging. Im not well i am but i need to vent.

Financially im a mess, most of it goes on transport. I do get wtc which is the only reason i can keep my head above water as my business doesn’t even pull in a grand per year.

Anytime i give myself even a few seconds to myself i get so bogged down with emotion that im constantly on the verge of tears.

Im so lost, ive just resigned myself to a life of either stress or sadness.

I dont expect any responses i just need to put it out into the world. I feel so guilty even being so stressed about it, folks have got it way worse than i do but i just feel so overwhelmed

There is no doubt that you are a Carer, but you do need to make more of that fact. You need a “Carer’s Assessment”, your Mum should also have a “Needs Assessment”, both can be arranged by your local Social Services. You should also tell your GP that you’re a Carer.

Carers Allowance hours are not only the times that you’re physically doing something for your Caree, the time spent just being available and unable to do anything else successfully also counts.

It’s very common for elderly parents to not acknowledge that you’re their Carer, a few favours that impinge so much on your time is definite evidence of your Caring role.

Sorting out your transport situation sounds like it could have a big effect on your financial situation.Have you considered buying a Moped? These can be driven on a Provisional licence after jumping through some fairly simple hoops.

It’s no good getting so emotional when you have some spare time, try and think of something simple but beneficial in some way to yourself that you can do in your brief moments of respite. A face-pack, a cup of coffee and a book, pick some flowers from the garden, just sit outside if possible and listen to nature, but whatever you decide, have a plan, something to look forward to instead of getting gloomy.

You are entitled to some respite from your caring role once you’ve established that you’re a Carer. It doesn’t amount to much, usually three hours per week when someone will cover for you. This can be built up if required, (to a maximum of 18 hours) and used in one hit.

You should feel no guilt at all, you’re guilty of nothing except allowing a difficult situation to go unmanaged for too long without asking for help.It’s inconsequential how bad someone else’s situation is, you can’t solve their problems. You need to solve some of your own.

When you say most of your money goes on transport, what/who are you transporting?
If mum doesn’t think she needs a carer, take a week off from helping her. Then she will realise!

Dear Victoria_21091
Hi Victoria. Im Kristie an online community host for the Carers UK Forum. It seems like you are having a bad time of things and I am sorry to hear of this. As you have already received a reply i am sure other carers will be able to help you. Carers UK also have a telephone number from which you can telephone if you feel you really need advice. I will give it to you below and im sure you will be able to receive the advice you desperately need. Do not hesitate in contacting the telephone number.
So welcome to the Forum! You are not alone in your caring role and we are sure that many on here will understand exactly how you feel and offer you their support. Caring can be very lonely and the pandemic has made caring responsibilities challenging as many carers have been socially restricted and unable to attend social groups etc.
Carers UK are running online weekly meet ups for carers and you can find the information on how to register at Care For A Cuppa:-Online meetups | Carers UK. There is also a second online weekly meet up and this is called Share And Learn:-Share and Learn | Carers UK.
Our Telephone Number is 0808 808 7777 and we are open from Monday to Friday between the hours of 9am-6pm. Our Email Address is:-(
They provide information and guidance to unpaid carers. This covers:-
-Benefits And Financial Support
-Your Rights As A Carer In The Workplace
-Carers Assessments And How To Get Support In Your Caring Role
-Services Available To Carers And The People You Care For
-How To Complain Effectively And Challenge Decisions.
I hope you can contact Carers UK and they can be beneficial and helpful for you.
Best Wishes