Part time carer for my mum

New to Carers Connect
1

HI,

I’ve just found this board. I’m in my early 50s and my mum is 92 nad my dad is 81. Dad is still in great health and is my mum’s main carer. However, its really getting on top of him. My mum is doubly incontinent and the smell is horrendous. She no longer washes herself and has to be prompted to change her nighty. I wash her when I can but she often puts up a fight. She no longer goes out and so is completely housebound.

The last 3 years have been very hard on my dad. At first he would try to persuade my mum to go out and if she refused he wouldn’t go out. It was hoffible as it used to feel like we were bullying her to get her to go out. Dad then stopped trying ot persuade mum to go out and stopped going out himself. Bit selfish of me, but I found it really hard when he stopped coming out for special occaions such as birthdays. He would give me his credit card and tell us to go out without him.

Things have changed recently as he’s started coming out again and came out for my birthday and didn’t rush away. We all really appreciated that he came along and took part.

I’ve reduced my work hours so that I can help out twice a week. This means that dad can go out for the day. I change the beds, clean the toilet, clean my mum and do the dishwasher. I aso change the protection that we have on the sofa and wash everything. When I can, I change my dad’s bed too. I also sit and chat with mum.

I also look after my mum a couple of times a year for a week when my dad goes away for a rest. However, there are times when I can’t keep to the schedule as I have a husband and 3 sons. My boys are young adults now with the youngest being 15. However, my youngest is very good at a particular sport and I have to take him away for competitions and to practice (he can’t do all his practising locally)… Sometimes I feel like I’m never at my own home. I’ve only slept here for 2 nights in the last 2 weeks.

Anyway, I was hoping someone could give me some advice on how else I can provide support / help to my dad. I was thinking that maybe if we did something together once a month, like go to the cinema. I feel like my dad is drowing in the cleaning up. Is there anything which could help with mum’s incontinence. She wears pads. Her mobility is not great so its difficult to get her to go to the toilet. I was wondering if a frame might help as she might feel more secure than walking with a stick.

Thanks for listening.

2

First step is to ask Social Services for a Needs Assessment for mum, a Carers Assessment for dad and you.
Ask the GP to get their Continence Nurse to call.
Mum is definitely entitled to AttendanceAllowance, make sure dad claims. It’s not means tested.
Do you think mum has dementia? If so, she is exempt from Council Tax.

3

Thanks. They already claim attendance allowance. They’ve had problems in the past with people they don’t know stealing from them so they are not too happy about having people they don’t know in the house. Think dad also worries that he will be judged.

Mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 4 years ago, though I honestly don’t think she has this. My husband’s uncle had it and ti was completely different to what my mum is experiencing. She has problems with short term memory but is quite good at covering it up. I think the main issue is the incontinence. Also, I think dad makes work for himself as he does everything, though I think mum is capable of some things.

4

There are different types of dementia. A CT scan will help diagnosis.