Dad controlling mum

Hi, I am new here. Glad to find others in similar situations.
I live a 5 hour drive from my parents who are now 79, my brother lives near them. We are both beyond frustrated as my dad treats us as strangers, and is in total control of everything to do with my mum. He has been caring for her single handedly for about 16 years as Alzheimer’s And arthritis has taken hold, we admire him and respect him for this, and as I am far away it is hard for me to criticise. It’s not as if I can nip round to help. But we have always been in close contact and until she stopped speaking on the phone we always spoke 2 or 3 times a week. My dad has always been odd, probably undiagnosed autistic. He has totally isolated them both, they have no friends and he has no perspective how bad things are, since she has stopped noticing he has filled the house with clutter, he can’t manage everything by himself but won’t admit this.

He is supremely stubborn and talks to us as though we are stupid children if we suggest things. She literally sits in one seat, or lies in bed now, no company, no stimulation. He is not providing an adequate diet for himself or her tbh, he could afford better food and could afford a cleaner, but he eats very poor tinned food, no veg, he is ill equipped to manage everything that mum used to do.

He decided to rip out the shower because mum couldn’t get in it anymore, he wouldn’t pay for a wet room to be made even though he could afford it. He now has no shower, it’s all just a mess as he hasn’t got time to build a wet room because of caring for her. So now neither of them can shower, mum is incontinent.

I could go on and on. I know he is demonstrating his devotion to mum but it isn’t all in her best interests, she’s our mum and we want her to be ok. My brother feels we can do nothing to make any impact, if we say anything about how he is doing things we risk not being allowed in at all.

I know there are no answers, just wanted to talk.

I think you should make a safeguarding referral to Social Services, because mum isn’t being cared for properly, and cannot speak up for herself.
Ask for mum to have a “Care Act Advocate”.
Also ask the GP or District Nurse to visit on the pretext of “checking up on our most senior patients who we haven’t seen recently”.
Can you record what dad says to you on the phone?
Take pictures on your phones of the state of the place next time you visit?

Safeguarding ?

One bible on the subject … 40 pages worth.

Care Act Advocacy ?

Hello and welcome!

Do not hesitate. Her life is at risk. And this is not devotion, it is abuse. Please make a safeguarding referral first thing tomorrow morning so that social services can intervene before things escalate.

Have you spoken to their g.p.? G.P.'s also do safe guarding referrals. Even if the g.p. can’t directly discuss their health conditions. It’s enough that you have made a phone call to the practice. Which should prompt some direct action. It maybe there has been not contact with a g.p. for sometime.

It sounds like dad/mum could both do with a mental health assessment.