Hi all,
So it’s me again.
I haven’t been on for a while mainly because I am not well at all. Whilst I’m functioning I’m finding more and more difficult each day.
I’m going through therapy, however everyone who has experience with OCD therapy knows it’s extremely intense.
I’m on so many medications now. I know I’m not cut out for the carer thing at the moment. I can barely look after myself.
I’m not surprised. You’ve been doing too much for too long. Honestly, your mum has driven you to this. You must put yourself first. I’ve lost over a stone recently, but still a long way to go. I know all about healthy eating etc but have been a comfort eater. Social Services or agency failing yet again, have a biscuit, coffee and cake etc. Now I just ask myself “do you need it”, NO! Will it do any good? No! Nothing you say or do to your mum seems to make any difference. But you can help yourself, must do whatever it takes.
I just want to be normal. Why is life so determined to make it harder and harder.
Honestly, I was doing great for a few days. I was speaking to my therapist and I found I was having lesser compulsions daily. They peaked for a short few days after the riots but I had techniques to nip the new things in the bud.
Like I said I have joined karate and really thought it improved my mental health. I have goals to achieve myself and I was so excited to go to each session and want to see so much more out of it at work.
I was more productive. I also had a great weekend working at an event.
I also developed abit of a crush on this guy. It’s added to the OCD, I know it’s bad but it’s the “thrill of the chase kind of thing.” But I’ve not been wierd to him, more over analysing our conversations both via text (some work related) and ones related to karate.
However, I had a bad dream last night. I found myself dreaming about mums housing situation and the karate class. I woke up feeling confused. Sometimes in this situation, it becomes like a mental check list first thing. I find myself going “what was it you were worried about?” And it starts again because I remember.
There were no warning signs to say that something had happened though.
In the dream mum had trouble with her housing, and lo and behold here we are today. All true.
I was really looking forward to karate tonight and I was also looking forward to seeing that guy. Well that soon stopped.
I got a call to say that mum had been in trouble at her place again as she and some friends were being incredibly loud.
I have spoken to the lettings manager, and I do think it’s all getting abit silly. Mum has been targeted by these people. Do I admit she was being abit loud? Yes. However, i have been there myself when people have literally being screaming and no one does anything.
Some of the residents of the place have also claimed that she is a prostitute and people have proof. It’s been spread around the place like a wildfire. We know it’s not true. Mum was very severely abused as a kid by her brother in that department and it’s probably one of the reasons why she is so messed up. Though my parents were inseparable, I don’t think they had much of a sexual relationship either. I think love presented in other ways.
Mum is really upset about it. She also had a letter to say that they found abnormal cervical cells and they want to do a check for cancer. So it’s not being a great day.
I spoke to the LM, and well we had a good chat about the rumour really needs to stop because it’s not nice. I explained the reason why it hurts mum so much to have this nasty accusation thrown around expecially when she was a victim of SA frequently as a child. It’s the fact that she still also feels incredibly loyal to dad. Mum has frequently told these people, if dad was still alive, they would have been together 28 years. He died when they were together for 25.
They have kind of suggested sheltered housing may not be right for her though as there are too many individuals with ‘different personalities,’ more like individuals who are bullies. I work with ‘characters’ everyday, yet they don’t call me names.
They said she is now on strike 2, and another strike would trigger a letter and they would seriously reconsider letting her stay past the 12 month period.
It’s ironic how people who are alcoholics get away with stuff like this, but others don’t.
We’re now looking at alternative options. Maybe it’s best for her to be in a flat where she has her own front door. We already have an application with another housing assosiation we just needed to change the address. Either that or go for a rented place.
She was called up by them before about a flat but she was already underway in moving to this place. It wasn’t suitable anyway, but that call came quite quickly.
Honestly people are evil. They talk about diversity and inclusiveness, but it only exists to pander to ‘what is normal to non-disabled’ or a typical people. As soon as a disabled person acts differently they are mistreated.
I went to karate, and I didn’t enjoy myself as much this time. I kept stumbling over and couldn’t find my footing. I also kind of realised that the guy I liked I don’t think the feeling is mutual as I was just getting absolutely no reading off him.
I feel incredibly stupid for allowing my OCD to make me believe this guy liked me in more ways than just a friend. I feel stupid for allowing myself to think that someone could actually be interested in me and my wreck of a life.
I should have just hit it with a spade and reburied it the second it revealed itself. I know I will never have a normal life. I know it was short, but it feels like yet another reminder of why ‘I will never be good enough.’
Life back to normal, eh. It wouldn’t let me have just some happiness.
I just can’t go through with all this again.