Hi all. Mum is 92 and had been very physically well up until a few months ago She went into a residential home for 3 weeks respite due to her being frail,after a couple of chest infections No other serious medical issues She has always been very needy emotionally Her anxiety levels were extremely high and it was thought having the 24 hour care would help.She would not mix and stayed in her room and was just as anxious and miserable.She has been home to her lovely bungalow since last Thursday Assessed today for care at home to get her strength up and will have carers x4 daily for next 6 weeks starting at teatime today Took over her dinner and she is just as miserable anxiety off the scale even though she has medication her doctor is calling her and myself tomorrow to discuss what else we can do. I think that she will want her to have blood tests for thyroid and maybe want the geriatric mental health team to give her advice. Mum says she needs it now and can’t see how to get through the day I’m at my wits end after years of being her crutch. She will take no responsibility for anything we do her shopping her bills get her clothes etc My husband retired 2 years ago but we have found that more and more we are sucked and blackmailed into doing for her and having no life ourself I have got to end of my tether. I had set boundaries and told a few home truths about how she treats us over the last few weeks Made no difference After the lunchtime visit I could quite happily not see her again. So I feel guilty - my default. I’ve been on different antidepressants for many years due to her constant need for me. I think I I’ve reached the last straw
I hope you can identify how I feel as I don’t feel I can say to people not in a carer roll or a roll where you have been constantly told from very young you need to keep your mum happy
You’ve done so much and you’re human. There is a big difference between wishes and needs, and if your Mum needs 4 carers the assessment must show she can’t do much for herself.
Time to start thinking about YOUR needs given everything you’ve shared.
Is there a reason why she can’t stay in a residential home?
@Knitfi I’m so sorry you’re going through this and absolutely identify with your sadness and frustration. I have spent the last 7 years running around in circles for my mum, who has a number of personality issues, the main one being narcissism. My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2018 and had to go into care for his own safety the following year. He died there two years later.
My husband and I have literally done everything for my mum since; all her bills, shopping, hospital appointments, plus moving her six times as she got sick of an area she had previously wanted to live in. It went on and on and on, whilst meanwhile my mental health deteriorated and I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia. Mum literally couldn’t have cared less as long as we were still doing everything she wanted. Carers were brought in and played off against me and she lied to doctors and carers about her health and the care I was providing for her.
I joined this forum a year ago and by February had found the strength to hold my hands up and refuse to care for her anymore. A lovely GP got her placed in a Care Home, but Mum has since accused me of paying him to do so, and the demands have continued. I have got round her demands by simply fulfilling her lists through Amazon who deliver the following day, without me having to visit her. She still threatens to leave the care home on a regular basis and can apparently do so as she is still deemed to have capacity, but I will not engage or enable her any more.
It doesn’t work for everyone and may not for you, but I found by saying “no, I will not do this any more”, health care professionals were forced to take over. I am seeing a counsellor to help me set boundaries and overcome the feeling of guilt, but this is my life and I will not see it being drained away by someone, who I have been helped to understand I have no obligation to stick by.
She has lost the ability to appreciate how much you are doing for her, a common fault of the very elderly.
You are not obliged to do anything! The more you do the more you will be expected to do. Stop making yourself available. My husband and I had lots of plans for when we retired. He died at 58. Don’t put plans on hold, like we did.
As you have a family, tell mum that your children have to come first.
Counselling, specifically aimed at my mum’s expectations, really helped me get my priorities straight.
My brain damaged son had to come first, she didn’t like not being top dog, tough.
More of a problem was me working from home, especially when I was writing a quarterly magazine on which my income entirely depended on. Mum didn’t like me writing the mag and kept ringing me in the morning when I did my best work. I had to leave the answerphone on permanently in the end. Dad was a senior civil servant, mum hadn’t worked since about 1950!
Mum never understood why I ran a lorry club, that I liked writing the magazine.
It’s up to you to decide what you do, not mum! Counselling made me realise that by saying “I can’t because…..” that gave mum the option of saying if that was more important than her?
So just say you are busy, but not why.
Decide when you will visit mum. Then you can tell her in advance. Inevitably it will never be soon enough, so when she makes an excuse for it to be sooner, remind her of when it will be.
Taking gentle control like this made a huge difference to me, utterly fed up with being treated as an odd job girl when I was newly widowed and disabled myself.
Thanks everyone the comments have really helped
Been over this morning awaiting the doctors phone call. After the phone call she is having a face to face with her doctor for physical exam and a mental capacity test. Also thyroid blood test. On Wednesday. Doctor also contacting the geriatric psychiatrist for advice as to what to add to her meds to help and also get her off diazepam. Mums reaction - what I’ve got nothing to help me now I can’t have more diazepam. I can’t cope till Wednesday why aren’t they helping now. So again said it’s starting to be sorted but not instantly which you always want/demand
Interesting lightbulb moment was when doctor asked me that before she was diagnosed with anxiety years ago was she able to self sooth and calm herself. My gut reaction was absolutely not. Always my dad her sister or myself had to step up and sort/ pander to her. God if we released years ago what we were doing and making her like we would not have done it. But the family chant was poor Elsie we have to help
I’m not visiting every day now she has 4 visits a day from carers. Day at a day I think is how we go.
She was there for 3 weeks did not mix stayed in her room. Communal areas too hot. But to be honest if anything needs her to put effort in she makes excuses and won’t do it
So she was as miserable there as at home so a complete waste of a lot of money
Ha. We were thinking of down sizing to another small town 20 mins away. She said if you move I will move too. What even if just up the road. Yes too far. I was fuming so now not only do we need to find an appropriate house for ourselves and organise buying t and any delays that would incur and get packed up and moved but do it for you too and need to find a bungalow with you sitting back ordering and moaning. I THINK NOT
So I know for my mental health that I need to stop being at mums beck and call and make her happy etc etc. How do you if been in the same situation deal with the feeling of overwhelming guilt. I decided not to visit today as I couldn’t take any more of witnessing her panics and well what might be her diva reactions. Sitting here trying to relax and that little voice in my head is saying- she will be in a terrible state you should have gone etc etc. The other part of my brain is saying you know no matter how much you do it’s never enough!
If she doesn’t want to go into a home where she would be cared for 24/7 she must accept help from someone other than you. Expecting you to be her slave instead is not an option.
Mum accepted a carer/odd job woman when I was too ill to do anything due to cancer surgery when she realised that I was too ill. Still saved a few jobs for me as I did them better.
Then when mum has a moan turn it back to her choice, and keep saying It’s YOUR choice mum.
Also get your husband to reinforce the situation, sometimes mum might take more notice of a man?
Expect Elderly Toddler tantrums when she realises you are serious. Put the answerphone on permanently.
@Knitfi, a wise carer on the forum used to say don’t feel guilt, recognise it as a sad situation instead. It’s sad that your Mum didn’t put in the effort to mix and join in socialising at the care home. It’s sad that she gets so anxious and worked up and in a state.
It’s not your fault though and sadly even if you gave in to her every demand it’d not be enough.
Ultimately everyone is responsible for their own happiness.
If your mum doesn’t want to be happy, nothing you ever do will ever work, so don’t ruin your own life by trying to please her and never succeeding.
My disabled mum was kind and gentle, her carers told me how nice she was, but I was always the family “fixer”, dad worked away from home a lot, brothers not around. Whatever I did for was never enough, I did one job and another popped up, like ducks on a fun fair rifle range!
It took counselling to help me realise that I had a right to my own life, it was OK to do things that pleased me, without feeling guilty. not running around mum all the time.
I too have always been her fixer especially after dad died. Now her sister has died too I think the anxiety she has is from anger that she can’t load onto anyone as I’ve said it’s for her to enable her happiness not me. Thank you for your great insights it’s helped so much
Amongst all the caring I’ve led an interesting life, studied for a part time degree with two small children, chaired several charities, run a business and attended steam shows with our engines. Then my husband bought an old lorry with a low loader to take the engines to shows. Then other people asked him to “make my lorry look like yours” and the most interesting time of our lives followed. Sadly I was widowed suddenly in 2006, leaving me with 30 tons of vintage lorry spares to sell. I lived off them for 10 years. After some very sad years when all four parents, husband, brother, and lovely sister in law passed away, I just care part time for my son with learning difficulties. Arthritis means I can’t be very active now. Caring is like Snakes and Ladders, I hope that by passing on my experiences it’s easier for others to avoid the snakes and find the ladders. My special treat to myself is going to Crete for 2 weeks every summer, when I’m a “recycled teenager”, swanning around without a care in the world, without having to cook anything, feel anyone, or do any housework!
Well Saturday was fun as mum called in high anxiety said needed an increase in her diazepam as she was pacing all day. Went over contacted 111 and then had to wait till 5:30 before a call back from on call doctors. They increased it by doing 2mg three times a day not 2. Today she was no better when I took over her washing and shopping. As in a need to get something new now for this anxiety it’s awful. It’s all about having someone with her. She was calm when I was there knitted did word search and even made herself a sandwich and tea before carers came as hungry. She had a call from her sister yesterday morning and visit from neighbour in afternoon and another in the evening. But today life is not worth living as I hadn’t visited till this morning obviously. I left after an hour and she was not happy she will be worse when she finds out tomorrow doctor will not increase the medication past the few days she has as not safe and back to original dose She is going to be offered an appointment with the psychiatrist for geriatrics not sure when I know she will rage at me when I tell her saying needs now can’t wait doesn’t anyone know how ill she is I don’t want to see her anymore My husband says I need to just walk out if she starts again as I/we are doing everything we can I think I may need to to shock her When she said did I have to go I said yes had things I needed to do She still moaned Remember what you told me and Steve you wanted me to have a life well I’m trying to but you won’t let me She said loudly just leave then go now it doesn’t matter when you leave ! And of course her carers think she is a lovely old lady
