Just someone saying that I am not obliged to do anything helps.
My mum is so ungrateful for what I do, she only brings up that she hasn’t seen me for X number of days.
I am one of 4 children and live the closest and everything is dumped on me, despite me being the only child that works and has small children. I feel it is a constant juggle between work, children and mum. She doesn’t like me going round with my youngest because he gets bored and doesn’t sit still. I rarely get time to myself and when I do I feel I should be round mum’s.
It is exhausting and frustrating, especially when I am made to feel guilty about not being round there all the time.
@RWalker2 Welcome to the Forum! Sending over some hugs.
I’ll ask @Melly1 or @Charlesh47 or @susieq if they could make your comment a whole new discussion thread, because you deserve and need some support - focused on you, - hope that’s okay
Geez you have a lot on your plate!!
It sounds like there needs to be an intervention discussion with your siblings AND your mother! Whether someone has children or not, or works or not, my personal opinion is that there needs to be a discussion and alignment of expectations, wishes and needs AND choice.
I say choice, because no matter what people say to you, or how guilty you may feel…or they make you feel bad…. it is STILL a choice and decision about how much you can/want to help care for your Mum! My humble personal opinion…and requires a tough skin when people dump on you or use emotional blackmail.
Sometimes, a heartfelt discussion altogether can work, other times a tougher line and clear statement that you’re not doing xyz and others have to help more is needed…
Apologies if I’ve misunderstood anything. From what you’ve said there are a lot of expectations and assumptions, being pushed onto you, with little/no support and no recognition or gratitude for everything you’re already doing ….on top of work and looking after your kids!
My only thought is it’s best to rip the bandaid, change things and set boundaries now because otherwise it’ll only get worse.
Can you share more about your Mum - does she have a chronic illness, disability? Are you able to have a discussion with her to reset expectations? Are you siblings close geographically? relationship-wise??
Thank you @Victoria_1806 for your reply. Mum was living near one of my siblings but they had a falling out so she moved to live nearer me and it has been a struggle since. We are all spread out geographically by 100s of miles so I am the only one that is near now.
She is physically and mentally well considering she is in her 80s but is emotionally extremely needy and attention seeking. When I was a child she would “opt out” of being a parent by taking to her bed for days because she had a ‘bad head’, my poor Dad God rest his soul, put up with such a lot.
Even writing this i realise things have to change.
Counselling would be a good idea and putting boundaries in with mum is a must.
Is there any counselling specifically for carers or is it the usually GP counselling route?
A few carers centres do offer, or have offered, counselling for carers, but mostly it’s down the NHS route, I’m afraid! That said, do check here: Support where you live | Carers UK as you may be able to find a local carer support service in your area - and with any luck they may offer counselling.
Setting boundaries is vital for your own wellbeing, and getting the support of your siblings in this is ideal - whether they live nearby or not, their support for your actions provides a unified approach, and prevents rifts.
After a Carers Assessment I finally had counselling funded by Social Services. I was newly widowed, newly disabled, newly in charge of 30 tons of lorry spares, my disabled son had just moved to Supported Living against my wishes, I was too ill to find somewhere better. I was referred by a local carers worker to a service, but not told it was for just 6 sessions. Just as I started to open up, after years of struggling, I was told he was leaving! By then I had sorted out my husband’s life insurance so paid to go privately for a while, until funded by Social Services.
My local ‘support for carers’ got a grant several years ago so were able to offer 6 counselling sessions then. Sadly I was not aware of this and now they no longer have the funds. I would imagine this would be the best way, as hopefully the counsellors would have experience of working with Carers and the challenges we all face.
I found Elsie Owen on Instagram a therapist who deals in people pleasing or boundaries as it is now. I’ve paid for her online course and it’s proving very helpful. Even her instagram or newsletters are helpful.
This allowed me to speak up and set boundaries in the last few months. I would not have done it without her advice and input. It’s all done very gently no big blow ups. You might find it helpful. One of her starting points was to say if someone asked do you want tea or coffee say what you want don’t reply I don’t mind whatever you want. Your wants are equal
@RWalker2 so glad to see you are going to set boundaries. It is hard but you need to for your own health. Once you start doing it your mum will have to get used to it. Your mum has clearly used her health as a weapon all her life but you do not have to provide all the support.
Keep going, you will get stronger, hugs
Went yesterday for 2 and half hours. The carer for her dinner was still there. After they brought it through she said they could go. Then I got a list of things to do. Can you put dinner in microwave I’ll have later. Can you do a toasted roll with jam and a cup of tea. Then salt in her salt seller etc etc. I left all the mess in the kitchen to be sorted as that’s what carer should have stayed for and I’m not about to do that now. Plus I think mum could do a bit of it. Today took her a roast dinner and the shopping my husband had got. She was knitting when I went in but was in kitchen with knitting away when I came with shopping. Then told me where to put it all. Was standing by her plate and tray and said could I dish it up for her. Was I staying No going for dinner myself. Got the poor me I upset and shaking carry on. I don’t react to that now. Will go back in another couple of days as she was having my DIL go in this afternoon and a friend Monday afternoon. The boundaries stuff is helping me sit with the feeling of guilt which is my lifelong default.
Her laughable comment yesterday was I want you to have your own life and do what you want but I still need you every day !! ???
@Knitfi I guess it is difficult if your mother tells the carer not to do certain tasks? I agree with writing notes though to keep the communication channels open. Hope today is easier for you.
@RWalker2 hope you’re doing ok and welcome to the forum. Being here has given me comfort and strength and the courage to finally hand my Mum’s care over to others. Like you, I am the only one in her life left to do the caring and she has run me into the ground over many years. A supportive GP helped me get Mum into a care home in February when I told him I had had enough and couldn’t go on. Her demands on me continued even from the Care Home, but I have now been going to counselling for a couple of months. I have had to pay for it as waiting for NHS counselling wasn’t an option for me. My therapist has helped me to set boundaries and she makes sure I stick to them! Guilt is a big issue, but therapy has helped me understand that I do not owe my mum my life - despite what she believes and says - and I DO have a choice. My choice is to withdraw and let Care Professionals deal with her. Please remember that you are important! Sending you strength and hugs
