Hi. So I’ve been my mum now 92 emotional crutch since I could understand my dad saying “ do whatever your mum wants to keep her happy” Well that was never ending as she is a half full glass person. I’m an only child. Married at 20 and moved from Scotland to Bedfordshire. Eventually my parents moved 10 mins away from us. Emotional support was slowly getting more as any problem I was expected to sort. As they aged Mum expected me to take my dad to hospital or doctors when unwell as didn’t want to hear anything bad. When he died I had a breakdown at what I would be expected to do. She can make no decisions as she doesn’t want to be responsible for anything. My husband and I then have to do it and then it’s all wrong. 9 years on she has suddenly become very frail. After a few weeks of doing everything with my husbands help I had to get her into respite for 2 weeks. I paid so it would be quick. She was very open to it as was lonely. However as usual the moans and groans about everything continue. She won’t mix and wants home. Got care assessment started as she personal care seen to. So carers time 4 could be ok. But night I may need to stay. I’m on 2 lots of antidepressant to try to cope usually. I hope I’m safe here to say I just do not like her anymore and can’t bare seeing her.
My anxiety is through the roof.
@Knitfi BIG hugs…deep breath hon. I’m SO glad you decided to share and post here. Welcome to the forum. I hear you. You sound exhausted and it’s very understandable.
The one big thing I want to say up front is You DO NOT have to be your Mum’s carer.
In fact, let me even reframe that - at 92 and with needing 4 carers it may not even be a question of wishes or wants or what your Mum says - medically there is a question of safety, risks and her needs (and I don’t mean what she says she needs) - I mean basic - eat, sleep, wash, toilet needs safely.
It’s really good that you are connecting with us right now, when the care assessment is happening, because I would argue that being in her home with carers is potentially NOT the best thing for her…AND this is your chance to very simply and factually say that you can’t care for her, in terms of her basic needs
Please don’t get caught up in what other people think or any ‘shoulds’ or ‘expectations’ You’re obviously beyond burnout and can’t continue as things are…
I’m sorry to be so direct
I think @Charlesh47 and @bowlingbun can share their thoughts about the care assessment…but doing nights is NOT sustainable…I did it for 6 months WITH my Mum for my Dad’s care…on your own its impossible given what you’ve shared…that’s in my personal opinion.
BIG hugs - Please rethink about how you’re responding to the care assessment and be clear about YOUR needs and that you cannot do this
P.S There is a thread called Roll Call that may you give you some light relief - have a scroll to see the ‘chat over the garden fence’ and join in if you’d like: https://forum.carersuk.org/t/roll-call-july-2025/127446/510?u=victoria_1806
No pressure! We’re all really friendly and wanting to support each other
No. You do NOT “have to” do anything!
On the verge of a breakdown I had counselling. Like you, I had been conditioned to do whatever mum wanted, for over 60 years. The counsellor made me see I was still behaving like a child, but I had a right to have my own life, do what I wanted. Tell mum if she cannot manage at home overnight it is time she went into the care home full time. You WILL NOT stay with her! My husband died before mum died, all our dreams gone forever. Don’t let this happen to you. Get your husband to tell her this too.
@Knitfi Let us know if you have your GP involved and any other specialist.
It really sounds like she needs more care support than you can give
I hope given the respite care you set up, that there are local options for nursing home care in your area
A resource that may help Your guide to hospice and end of life care | Hospice UK - while you don’t need this service for hospice/end of life the site can direct you to the local hospice who are, in my opinion, a really good resource to talk to in terms of good care homes or in community support
If your mum is very frail and has chronic illness/health issues this requires GP support…
FYI I know for some friends, they leverage the GP relationship for him to talk to the parent…any recommendations/advice/instructions by a doctor is usually accepted…at least it was by my friend’s 90 year old…so maybe that could help in your case too…It’s the ‘Doctor knows best’ thing and takes the ‘heat’ and arguments away from you.
Thank you everyone. She does need everything done for her. Today told my cousin she thinks she should stay till my son and his wife have been in 2 weeks holiday and back we can have a family discussion. Not sure why with 2 young children and full time jobs they have only time to visit! Said I’d like to go home and try but keep my place here in case I can’t.
I know I can’t do anything with her at home for long.
One part of me wants her to stay there and the council take fees from house when she’s gone.
She travelled a lot in her 60s and beyond 6 times for 5 weeks each time to her sister in Australia plus lots of times away with friends and her other sister. My being sucked into her life I’ve not done much outside work or mum. I had 2 lovely friends I had plans to do lots with. I lost them both one last April the other the previous April practically the same date. So I know how precious life is. I’ve always wanted a big trip to Canada and the Rocky Mountaineer. But we would have to downsize from the lovely place we live where my husband was born just up the road and we have so many connections. Which we don’t want to do. It’s not so much the money loss it’s the possibilities it gave me/us.
GP is involved I was a receptionist admin person at the local surgery for 16 years ( and 10 years before at another) and have a great relationship with them. New doctors came in about 8 years ago and have instigated so many great changes. I mean a OT on the staff so so lucky. The surgery would say she needs care home. I know it well as you need a good relationship between care home and local GPs. . Some staff have been there 30 yrs and coming back to volunteer. Others have been 12 years. But still she is not happy enough but what’s new. Just a lot going on in my head. We have decided to take ourselves and our border terrier to Hunstanton on Friday for some sun sea and I expect a brisk wind.
Oh and she is a 5 star emotional blackmailer which I’m sure many can identify with
Again thanks so good to connect with people who understand
Hi @Knitfi. I’m partly in agreement with @bowlingbun , but I’d go further. By all means let your mum have a discussion about what happens next, but be 100% clear about what you want first - and what of that is 100% not negotiable. Agree to take on only what you want to take on, and are able to take on. Don’t let anyone blackmail you emotionally or financially. You are not responsible for your mum.
@Knitfi I have to agree with the others it is what she NEEDS now not what she wants. A good Care Home would be the best and safest solution? You do not have to care. TBH if she needs carers 4x a day it still leaves 20/22 hours where she is on her own? YOU deserve a life of your own too.
I think many of us do not like our family. I have to say I struggle to like my mother and I most certainly do not like my medically non compliant 86 year old husband.
Please keep posting this is a safe place to discuss the way forward and the support offered is excellent - been a life saver at times for me and others too.
Counselling helped me avoid the emotional blackmail. Remember happiness comes from within, you cannot make mum happy. Sadly I realised that nothing I ever did was enough, however much I did. Then it dawned on me that the jobs were just a way of getting me there and keeping me there as long as possible. Sadly there were times I could have happily called in to make mum a fresh coffee, but simply didn’t have time to stay for hours. I left home at 19 to get married, and had a very varied and interesting life. No way could I live with mum, we were as different as chalk and cheese.
Are you aware of how the system works for care charges in residential care? Do you own or rent your own home? Apart from the house, does mum have savings over £23,000. Just yes/no.
Mum has only about £4000 in savings but owns her home
Met with Occ Therapist at her house today after visiting her yesterday. She told her she was able to get to toilet ok and said at night able to get out of bed to the toilet with her Walker of course. The house is a bungalow but needs a couple of things moved but other wise ok. She expects we would be able to get 3 carers a day. Mum did tell her she was anxious about getting up and to toilet at night and she had replied you don’t need to be as you can during the day.
Has ordered her raisers for her armchair and a bit of equipment that slots under mattress with a rail to help her get out of bed. You all know what I mean.
Will look to getting help with meals from one of the companies. Mentally she is well.
So she will be coming home at end of July.
I will not be drawn into the staying at night. I will not be listening to constant moans she will be told to talk about something else. Will not listen to I’m lonely.
If I find she is not changing I will withdraw from seeing her even more than I’m going to do anyway.
In that case, after a financial assessment mum will not be expected to contribute much, or perhaps anything, towards her care, so make sure mum has a financial assessment. Remind her, if neccessary, that it’s not charity, but that dad paid in for years so that if they needed help in later life it would be available.