Carers thought my mum was lovely too!
I was always the one left to sort out anything and everything.
You might as well get “hung for a sheep as a lamb”, because nothing will ever be good enough.
Next time ask her if she want to stay home or move into residential care, where there would be carers 24/7?!
It’s so wearing for you @Knitfi and your husband. My mum always presented as a sweet little lady to carers and other health professionals and they couldn’t believe it when I told them what she did and said to me and what she was capable of. Couldn’t and wouldn’t believe it. Then it makes you feel like you’re the liar and the manipulator. I have withdrawn since Mum called me an “absolute nightmare” in front of the carers and the GP in the care home, as they finally saw that her personality changed when she was with me and thought no one else was in earshot. The theory is that once I withdraw, she will be unable to continue with the”sweet little old lady” persona full time and they will see more and more incidents of her nasty and narcissistic personality. It’s so hard for you, but once you accept that nothing will ever be good enough, it’s easier to get off the treadmill.
I have just returned from taking her her prescription and biscuits we forgot when we shopped for her which we had to guess about as had. It asked us to do any for her. She likes you to get there and tell you I’ve no bread or milk etc. I knew my cousin was visiting today so food would be required. Told her the diazepam was back to reduced amount and that she was to be seen by the psychiatrist team. She was into full what am I going to do need it now etc etc. They we got and just want to die my life is awful. So I just announced “ well at this point I’m leaving “ ad when got to door said “ I just can’t do enough obviously”. And slammed door. I did txt an apology to my cousin but she totally understands. Don’t worry I’ve to,d her off for her attitude and that she has no idea what you are having to do”
Does mum have a freezer? I buy bread once a week, put it in the freezer, defrost as needed. By accident I discovered that if you drop a frozen loaf on the floor, all the slices separate (Waitrose Farmhouse). So mum could easily always have bread in stock!
No milk? Buy her Cravendale that lasts for ages. Of course all she really wants is you being there doing something, anything. It’s counterproductive though. If she was nicer and didn’t keep giving you jobs you’d enjoy your visits, not dread them. My mum had a pocket in her recliner, where mum kept a notebook listing jobs for me. How I dreaded that book. Often giving me a job “before I forget…..” before even saying Hello. My life was so hard at the time, newly widowed, newly disabled, brain damaged son and 30 tons of lorry spares to sell as my only way of making money. The last thing I needed was another job!
My mum just worked out how to use her phone and rang me (again) to ask me where her gardening tools have gone. It seems she has taken over the gardening and landscaping at the care home, despite them telling me they have professional gardening contractors who are paid to do it. Anyway, it seems Mum got their “entertainment manager” to phone Suttons for her and order a load of plants. I told Mum for the fourteenth time that all her gardening tools are at my house now, she said “I’ll have my fork and trowel over here then”. So I said “does that mean, please can you bring my fork and trowel next time you visit?” “Yes” she said. It’s like teaching a five year old some manners. Then I phoned the care home manager to remind them that Mum exhibits compulsive spending behaviours and please could their entertainment manager not enable her to spend money on things she doesn’t need, so that there is no money left at the end of the month for her £5500 monthly fees!
@Knitfi you did the right thing and don’t feel guilty about it. Glad your cousin backed you up. 
Block mum’s phone!
Do you have POA?
If so, make the home sign that they will not go over mum’s weekly personal allowance of £X unless personally authorised by you, in advance!
My mum’s home was cashless. Any spending went on mum’s account. At the end of the month it was sent to me for payment.
What does the home’s prospectus or contract say about spending?
@bowlingbun thank you for your sage advice as always. Yes I do have POA but, as you know, mum is still deemed to have capacity, so I can’t actually stop her from making “unwise” decisions. But I will go through the contract tomorrow, as not happy that the entertainment woman just ordered the plants without checking first - apparently using mum’s phone and card!
That is completely out of order!
It raises a number of questions. How much money were the plants in total?
Presumably they are for the garden at the home generally, not specifically an area outside mum’s patio?
What is the home policy concerning patients cards, if any? Where are they kept? What rules are there for staff use of patients cards? At very least I would expect a senior member of staff should approve this sort of transaction.
My mum’s home, as I said before, didn’t want patients to have any cash or valuables, to avoid any thefts or allegations. I’m not sure if CQC have any thing relevant in their guidance.
I’ve looked up guidance about handling client’s valuables. and Whether or not mum gave her card to staff, there should be a safeguards involving TWO members of staff when handling residents valuables.
Just wanted to say that reading your posts helped me regain my sanity after a really tough day with my mum. Hugs to you all for the amazing jobs you are doing when nothing will ever be enough and your pots are completely empty. Stay strong, be kind to yourselves and you are not alone x
Totally agree this site really helps. I was out again last night 2:30 mums alarm went of and got a call. She was sitting on bedroom floor reckoned she had fell out of bed. I think she slid off. Got her to loo back into bed. She has kept taking the increased dose of diazepam not gone back to original dose ! So that’s why. I hadn’t seen her since Tuesday she rang Friday evening not to thank me for 3 things that I organised and she had received. Need tablets only enough for tomorrow. I said they are ordered just to collect. No sorry for the upset on Tuesday. Then she falls so got my attention and a visit. But it was brief. Got home then another call her alarm pendant they thought was going off with a fault. So back I went she was sound asleep lucky her and I took it off and we rang back. I’ve got to got today to reset the box. I’m dreading it. However I know this is a safe place to say things
At one time we were caring for our son with learning difficulties, both his parents a few miles away in one direction, mine a few miles in another direction. Nightmare! We nicknamed ourselves the Thunderbirds, ready to act at a moment’s notice! The stress led to me being very ill, husband had a massive heart attack in his sleep, and he died. None of us are invincible.
I too found the Careline alarm box to be a nightmare when Mum was still at home. One day she rang them 14 times and in the end they rang me and asked if everything was ok. We switched from pendant alarm to wrist strap alarm and back again within the space of a month. Mum claimed that she banged it on things; like rose bushes and hairbrushes. It was all just nonsense and attention seeking behaviours to get me to go round; again and again and again. Then the three times she had falls last year and was - eventually - hospitalised, she didn’t press the g***amm button and told each ambulance crew I was panicking and controlling. I do so feel your pain @Knitfi. Don’t ever expect an apology from your mum, in my experience the word “sorry” doesn’t exist in their vocabulary.
Thank you. I try to keep that in mind. I’m still so stuck in people pleasing mode. Getting better at it thanks to the online course. So I still sit feeling sick with guilt. She tried to txt yesterday at teatime it was rubbish so called her back. Suddenly she is saying I’ve been taking to many tablets and it’s making me sleep and confused and not get out my chair. Yes I’ve been saying that. I just really realised it fully when I couldn’t txt. Had managed to cut doe. By a halve. Not sure how long the “ willing to do something to help herself” will last.
It’s so horrid when we are doing the most and more than is good for us and we are blackened. However I have found that others do know the truth and let you know in little gestures. Did take me a bit to catch on to them though
My mum was physically disabled, and so was I. After major abdominal surgery there was very little I could do when she was ill.
I had to explain to the Care Line that if mum was very ill or fell, I could not do anything, so they were to dial 999 and I would go over to pack a bag etc.
Remember that you have the choice to care for mum or not, and to set boundaries as to what you can/will do. You can ask the Care Line how many times they have rung you in a given period, and tell mum that it’s too many and if she doesn’t reduce it then residential care is the only option left. If she is mucking around with her dosage of pills to the extent that she isn’t fully with it, then that is a red flag.
Thanks yet again for great advice.