No idea where to start - toxic parents

Mum - 82 hoarder - some dementia signs, she not able to care at all for self

Stepdad in hospital & main carer & mental health issues

Me: work full time, support them really only by popping in, odd shopping & nipping in when called - now in house providing mum everything whilst step dad on hospital

Discovered lots of things not good in terms of ongoing hoarding - don’t know where to start

I can’t do it - my mum is difficult, paid off debt for them as they are running up catalogue debt for stuff not need - duplicate mowers/kettles/mountains of clothing/bits of tissue everywhere

I have been working 7 days a week to pay car loan so tired anyway

Don’t know where to begin - think she should be in home - I can’t do it she drives me batty, step dad now in hospital refused any care in past, looks like they get AA - I’ve done all since Sunday, currently also trying to clear house - tripping issues, stuff everywhere, I’m sleeping at house

Mum toenail and fingers - toes look like snail shells on them

Emailed work Sunday to say won’t be in as need to look after mum until I get help

I’m already at end of tether after just 2 days - she won’t go in stair lift for me to shower her (not had shower since Covid outbreak), can’t get her to drink, she has no conversation, complains about what she’s given to eat, won’t use commode & she’s doing all business in incontinence pads - I’m cleaning her up each bathroom episode

I was told Sunday to wait till today to ring GP as OOH not their issue, social care said couldn’t help because ECAS/CRT on bank holiday & to ring back OOH but then they never called back, rang social care again & they took details & then told me to ring OOH & then had to literally appeal for them to check mum out yesterday as she has tremor head & keeps smacking lips together, swollen ankles, feet worst I’ve ever seen bunions, etc

I can’t do this, I work full time, my relationship with mum & step dad never great as they are both impossible with step dad bipolar & mum just being toxic/lazy/narcissist - my brother lives NZ & other brother not bother with mum (she is impossible) & me that only one that tries to help but arms length - just don’t know what to do - already knackered & mum snuggles a little bear when she goes to bed & that just finished me off - sorry for long post I feel like horrible daughter, feel like I’ve been one to neglect & upset that when gp called to step dad when he alerted them to a fall (had to force step dad to call dr) gp still let stepdad carry on providing care to mum & obvious mum nees full care & now he’s in hospital

Any pointers on where to start please, 1st stop is GP surgery this morning to ask for them to put her in care but reading it takes 500 calls to get through. Sorry for rant I’ve just woken up with mind whirring - my hubby being supportive but he despairs of my mum & step dad & wants to drive us all off a cliff (he won’t but that gives an idea) it seems that lots of people have similar stories & any pointers welcome. Thank you

I’m Cardiff area

My mum was a"clean" hoarder. Took my two sons and I a year to empty the house after she moved into a nursing home.
Does mum have over £23,000 in savings?
Do they an or rent the house.
If mum gets AA, what for?
Take some photos of the house.
Mum is a “vulnerable adult”. The doctor and Social. Services have responsibilities they cannot avoid.
If her partner is in hospital, she needs Emergency Carers or respite care.
Stress the urgency, say you CANNOT care as you work, they need to sort this TODAY.
Alternatively ring for an ambulance.
Do NOT agree to stay for a few days!!!


Firstly, welcome to our forum! This sounds like a really really difficult situation for you! Have you emailed our advice line? I would suggest you either ring them or email them they’ll be able to give you advice or point you in the right direction. Their email and phone number can be found on the attached link Get in touch with us | Carers UK - they’re open Monday to Friday from 9am - 6pm

It would also be worth looking at our meet ups section, we’re running various sessions for carers online, ranging from talks to yoga to cuppa session where you can come along and meet with other carers. You can find out more about the various online session on the attached link

We’re running various sessions online, care for a cuppa, share and learn, we even have session specifically in Wales called Me Time

with best wishes

Thank you, it’s been a busy few days - I have managed to get mum in hospital very late Tuesday evening, the GP said he had to fib & say mum had a water infection. The AA my step father receives I guess for looking after her, mum has apparently been off the radar because she can say she is ok when the dr has phoned despite GP visiting & seeing house & worse of all leaving my step dad to care for her on Friday when step dad had low blood pressure & has had falls which go notified of - I spoke to gp about why he deemed it ok to leave a very frail man providing full care for an 82 year old incontinent person unable to care for himself let alone mum & he agreed with hindsight - !!!

Step dad has low functioning kidney & catheter inserted he’s in hospital & mum being care for in hospital too - I am clearing house out & on special leave - I work for NHS & the managers have helped me get information yesterday about the medical stuff as I hadn’t managed a chat with Consultant as not phoned back - all on the radar & I am ok personally, tired & emotional few days but I am good & the supper from work is good. It seems that bank holiday Sunday’s & Mondays are a bad time to have an issue like that which happened to my step dad & mum & I feel that my health board & primary care need to learn from my & my family’s experience - Carers are amazing & wow this has opened my mind - I respect all of you so much for what you do for your loved ones every day. Those that can provide care that you do must have so much patience & kindness - I feel like a bad daughter but we try to do what we think best - let’s see what happens - thank you for responding to my post.

Ps they live in a council house & no savings whatsoever

In that case, Social Services has a clear duty to provide the support they need. Also contact the Housing Officer, surely they should do regular checks on property where they have vulnerable tenants? Maybe insist they accept carers as a condition of keeping the tenancy? From what you say, they should both receive AA?

All four of our parents were disabled for years before they died, in and out of hospital, always one in hospital either directly before, during, or after Christmas, for many years. Me putting on my brave face, spending Christmas afternoon visiting in hospital wearing a brave face leaving my family at home. No alcohol for lunch either. I seldom drink but enjoy a couple of glasses of wine with my Christmas Dinner knowing that the fridge is packed with food and I won’t have to cook for days.

From my terrible experiences, I would suggest that you first insist that all health issues are thoroughly investigated, don’t believe them when they say

They are better at home so we will arrange for them to see a consultant as an outpatient later.

Aids are being arranged and will be delivered the same day as discharge. (I was left without any for a week(.

The Community Physiotherapist will be in touch. (9 months in my mum’s case).

Also beware Friday discharges so the nurses can take it easy over the weekend.
Then it’s impossible to get in touch with anyone when things go wrong!

My nightmare finally ended for the last parent when a voice came into my head (not prone to this!!) saying I just can’t do this any more. Not that I didn’t want to help, I was too ill and exhausted to carry on. We’d tried everything to keep mum at home, but she was too frail to live alone, and didn’t want to sit in her own mess until someone came to clean her up, hours later.

YOU are the only one who knows the full picture. Parents are terrible liars about what they can do.
All the hospital wants is their bed back. I’ve been told that to my face.
YOU are going to have to put a lot of pressure on Social Services too.
YOU decide if going home at all in their current state is realistic, or will it lead to a situation where they are in and out of hospital repeatedly until they die or someone finally accepts that home is no longer an option.

Prepare for the fight of your life.

Attendance Allowance is paid to a person with a disability - to pay for their needs, (it doesn’t anywhere near cover those expenses, but it helps).