New and panicking!

Hi - I’ve just moved in to my parents’ home following my dad going to hospital after falling and breaking his shoulder. my parents are, or were, very proud and independent- I’ve done shopping etc through lockdown but my dad refused other help in the home even though he could barely walk, and my mum had been deteriorating and went in a hospital bed a few weeks ago from which she never gets out. My mum has 3x care calls but I do everything else, feed her etc, including her insisting I used a she wee with her - which was sort of funny looking back at my attempts, but I hate it and am rubbish at it and scared of damaging her skin etc. She has dementia but is compos a lot of the time still. Anyway my dad comes home tomorrow, also in a hospital bed, they’re showing me how to use rotunda to get him up regularly but I’m scared of that too - he will also be trying to get up to help my mum which I have to watch and prevent, and had to get a baby monitor for overnight to fully supervise - but scared if not waking up. Their whole life has been making my mother happy so it will be hard for him, he is also fully compos and has ran the home for years so will hate me being there and be mad I moved stuff to get his bed in. I tried to work from home today but it upset my mum and she finally - after a week - even asked if I wanted to eat. Unfortunately, I can’t share meals as I’m coeliac and can’t even cook my stuff in their kitchen as it is, but having micro meals without asking lol - the house is rammed to rafters and a bit cleaner now but no room for me to even sit literally! I’m worried about work, miss my cat, so sorry for parents but so scared of getting it wrong and causing damage - I do meds as well. I’m an only child and my kids have kids and live too far away mainly - my mum was upset one came to help furniture shift as she’s petrified of covid but I had little choice. The care in place for my mum is 3x calls a day to change her and this is £25 a call so £75 a day , my dad will also have 4x calls at cost of £100 a day and this is upsetting them so can’t get more care - they’re not super rich but have about £60,000 savings and their own home - sorry, right ramble but it’s just getting real and scary - mostly scary that I will screw up for them and feel mean I’ll miss my cat and grandkids.

Dad should have FREE Reablement carer visits for at least the first 6 weeks.
How old are your parents, and why was dad in hospital?

Hi - he’s 90 and had a fall breaking his shoulder in 2 places, trouble is he can’t walk without his stick and needs it on the broken shoulder side - he’s scared at moment they said to try but doing well with rotunda - he could barely walk before with his hip though and still tried to do all sorts he shouldn’t for my mum.

My mum is 87 but has been falling for a while unti she fell on an escalator and broke her shoulder about 14 months ago - since then she’s been in and out of hospital and care homes but now bedbound completely so at home - they always hide medical and falls etc from me, but I also found they hide them from drs as well - which doesn’t help, obviously hide from all other professionals so would think me terrible when I try to correct people but haven’t caught on that I do this - yet.

The hospital should have done a proper assessment before he is discharged. You have an absolute right to refuse to do the caring, what sort of life are you going to have caring for both of them with no care, 24/7?? When are you going to do any work?
You must stand up for yourself and your own life.
Ask them to at least have a bit of care to give you regular time off.
Sadly, it sounds like they are going to need residential care very, very soon.

Hi Rachael. I’ve been caring for my mum for over 5 years now. When I started I was full of energy but after a few months I began to realise that my parents would just happily sit back and expect me to get on with everything!! I did not realise what I was letting myself into.
My advice to any new carer would be to
1 Start as you mean to go on. Work out a timetable so you get regular days off.
2 If you’re claiming Carers allowance you have to do 35 hours of care per week. You are also entitled to some weeks off each year, so that you can go on holiday or have a break from caring.
3 Ensure you have a good social life. Keep in touch with friends and make sure you get time to do things you enjoy doing.

Your parents should pay you a proper income especially now you’re living with them. It sounds like you have made a lot of sacrifices in order to help them.
Good luck!

My parents home had far too much in it, I had to sell some furniture just to make a path wide enough for a Zimmer frame round some of the house! Ultimately this led to mum moving into residential care. It took a year of hard work to clear the house, assisted by two big strong sons. I wish now I’d been ruder about the house years before. If they want to stay there they must let you make a few changes to make it safer for them and easier for you to care for them. I do not underestimate how difficult this will be!

My dad came home this morning - he is just angry and keen to walk to look after my mum - he won’t listen he can’t do that from now. Although hospital said he couldn’t walk it happened that the assessment team think he should be, and they got him to commode and back without equipment but 2 people supporting him - they asked me to get him up regularly and move him but I find it scary supporting him and he doesn’t want to. The parents are on a roll together and shouting me to check the other - I don’t draw curtains right, do tea right, I lose bills - wonder how I ran my own place for 35 years :rofl: - basically they want everyone to go away but that can’t happen. It was 100x worse than I expected and I’m petrified of damaging them by accident- apparently my dad has been toiletting my mum 3x a night before his fall, and they have been told this isn’t to continue but I expect to be shouted in night now though I don’t wake so easily. My dad’s hearing aids aren’t working so they can’t plan together yet - whether that’s good or bad I don’t know yet :woman_facepalming:t2:
Thank you for the replies - I don’t feel so alone - yes, a good year would do this house as well :woman_facepalming:t2: - but I can’t be rude as I’d like - thing is I was a dreadful kid and we saw each other yearly after I left home until only till last year - they think I’m amazing now bless but we never got that easy and open relationship or one where they would listen.

My daughter is having them an afternoon once a week after new year - which she has enough to do so I’m not keen - they won’t pay for more care and won’t have anyone else, only taking this daughter under sufferance as she’s a carer - I can see them sending themselves into residential if they keep not listening and someone takes over for safety but they don’t get this so keep in doing their way - once my dad is walking everyone will be out the door even though he will fall or fail and only got one working arm. Thanks again - I can ramble for England- it’s just gone 0-100 so fast! Those that do it for years wow and amazing.

Rachel,
If this all goes horribly wrong, you must NOT blame yourself.
Please, please remember this in the next few days.
I would suggest that you take some recordings on your phone of their treatment of you, and maybe quietly take some photos of the state of the place. I only found out last week that there is a term for old age hoarding, it’s been a long day as I was awake at 3am, and now can’t remember what it was.
Feel free to share how you are feeling here, it may help to get it off your chest.

Rachel,
If this all goes horribly wrong, you must NOT blame yourself.
Please, please remember this in the next few days.
I would suggest that you take some recordings on your phone of their treatment of you, and maybe quietly take some photos of the state of the place. I only found out last week that there is a term for old age hoarding, it’s been a long day as I was awake at 3am, and now can’t remember what it was.
Feel free to share how you are feeling here, it may help to get it off your chest.

If dad or mum fall, you MUST NOT PICK HIM UP! It’s vital that you call an ambulance, he needs to be lifted carefully to avoid further damage, whatever he says!

Does the time off depend on receiving Carers Allowance?

Does it apply if you’re still entitled to CA, (I’ve got that in writing) but don’t receive it because you get your State Pension?

Please expand on this notion of time off, because it’s news to me; and I’d like some.

Hello Ayjay,
When I applied for carers Allowance a few years ago the Carers Allowance page said that ‘Carers were allowed to have 4 weeks off every 26 weeks’. So that is the equivalent to 8 weeks off per year.
I guess that very few Carers have 8 weeks of leave every year - I don’t. But I am lucky that I am able to have some time off when I need it. (I care for my elderly mother and her adult grandson lives with her and also looks after her) .
Of course you’re entitled to some time off. I think the issue here is - Is there someone who can look after your caree while you are away?
Hope this helps.

I’ve not had a single day off since November 2014 when my wife added Shingles to her MS and lost the ability to walk.

No-one else is available to look after my wife instead of me, and unless I move out there’s nowhere for them to sleep.

How does my eight weeks off work now?

It’s no use officialdom saying that I can have eight weeks off if they don’t supply the cover.