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21

It simplifies matters if your husband is the only child - yes, you get no help from siblings, but on the other hand, they aren’t usually much help anyway - especially if you live with your MIL…and it certainly makes it simpler about the money. What you do NOT want is for YOU to do the caring, and then siblings swan off with lucrative chunks of her estate when she dies!!!

I think you and your husband do need to sit down and work out the finances - how much is the house worth (get it valued for free by an estate agent) and then you can see whether, If you ‘crack’ and just can’t stand looking after her any longer, and she has to go into residential care, just how much of the house value you are likely to lose.

The trouble with dementia is that it just ‘gets worse’. My poor MIL eventually ended up doubly incontinent, couldn’t talk, and couldn’t move (bedbound or in a wheelchair). Dementia will ‘kill’ in the end, but to be brutal, it is ‘kinder’ if something like a stroke or a heart attack gets them first…

How close to 60 are you and your husband? If you can ‘tough it out’ till you turn 60 then you may have the house protected against being sold. As others are saying, that your disabled daughter lives there may also help your case.

Why do you think your husband is burying his head in the sand over this? Does it hurt him emotionally too much? Understandable, but he MUST face up to it… Can you leave him to look after her for one entire day ON HIS OWN (eg, at the weekend) so he knows just what you are coping with, and just how WEARING it is. You never get a moment’s peace…

That said, as the dementia worsens, she will likely get ‘easier’ as she will sleep a great deal…my MIL nodded off all the time, as it progressed. It’s all sad and dreadful, but there it is.

22

Don’t know why but he doesn’t help. No can’t go out on my own at all. He is 58 and will step in when she get violent.

23

“when she gets violent…”!!!

What are you doing about this? Next time call an ambulance, the quickest way of getting things sorted.
You should not have to put up with this.

One of you needs to film her next time this happens, on your phone, as clear evidence of her “unpredicatability”.

Does the GP know? Medication?

24

A bugle sounded … CHC / NHS Continuing Healthcare / NHS Funded Care ?
https://www.carersuk.org/forum/support-and-advice/all-about-caring/chc-coughlan-grogan-judgements-nhs-contuing-healthcare-nhs-fnc-hospital-discharges-all-under-this-one-thread-35998

25

“Don’t know why but he doesn’t help. No can’t go out on my own at all”

Beverly, you’re not a child, or a servant, or a slave! Just go out - even for a walk, or the shops or whatever! - whenever your husband is home. You don’t have to get his agreement! You just say ‘I’ve had enough, over to you’…

If you don’t do this he won’t ‘offer’ to help with his mum…

At some point, you have to make it clear to him that EITHER you and he sort out some method for you to get sufficient breaks etc etc …or he’ll get a writ for divorce on his plate! NO WAY does he ‘do nothign’ while you ‘do everything’…

Do you have a house/flat of your own at all? Or have you been living with your MIL all your married life?

26

No we moved in together two years ago. We were in rented accommodation so let it go. I don’t know where to turn. She has hit me again this morning and refusing to do anything. She had weed on the floor and on one of her nightdresses which I found stuffed down the back of the dressing table.
Just heard from ss. They are coming out next week.
I spoke to my husband and said I would like to go for a coffe with my daughter as we haven’t done anything for a long time. He said” well if you would rather spend time with her” I was so cross and he knew it.

27

Beverley, I know it’s easy for someone outside your situation to say it, but you must make sure you are safe. You will be no help to your daughter if not. If you are ever at risk, dial 999.
In any case, please write down everything before the Social Services visit so you don’t forget anything and so that you can give them the piece of paper if you find that your husband and mother-in-law don’t want you to tell them. I mean everything - that she hits you, every last thing you have to do for her, how she speaks to you, that you are already caring for your daughter …

28

“She has hit me again…”
Ring for an ambulance, explain what happened, and say I CANNOT COPE ANY MORE!"

"Social Services are coming NEXT WEEK…!!!"
Ring them, tell them what happened this morning and INSIST on respite care or hospital admission.

Frankly, your husband is a total wimp. He needs to “grow some…” and take charge. His mother, His problem.
I’d just pack a bag and go away for a while for a break and leave him to it. He hasn’t been loyal to you, so why should you be loyal to him?

29

I don’t often tell people to ring for an ambulance, but I think every time I’ve said it, they’ve come out and there’s been an immediate admission as a result, so give it a go. Pack a bag for her and keep it hidden.
If she’s refusing to do anything, it might be that the GP can send her to hospital due to her mental state, so add him to your telephone hit list.
Be sure to record her behaviour so that if she is nice as pie to anyone who comes, you have clear proof.

30

Thanks for your advice. Some times you just need to talk to people who understand. Will ring the dr next time as I would feel guilty if I phoned an ambulance.

31

A friend of mine is a VERY senior officer in the Ambulance Service.

When I told him how good his staff were repeatedly visiting my mum when she fell, he told me that he saw what they do for elderly and disabled people as an important part of their work, as opposed to the drunks and time wasters they deal with.

Mum might cause a serious injury next time.

32

That’s a good point - I doubt the drunks and time wasters ever feel in the slightest guilty for summoning an ambulance!

Beverley, it’s really important that ALL ‘violent incidents’ are officially reported…it is helping to build the case that your MIL has gone past the ability to be cared for by you.

As for your husband and what he said, well, the only answer is YES, I DO rather spend time with our daughter than with your MIL! So over to you with her, matey!

all that said, in practical terms you’re in a tricky situation. You don’t have a place of your own to go to (though hopefully you could afford to rent again, would that require you to be working again?), but even if you could afford to rent again obvoiulsy the prospect of inheriting your MIL’s house one day is pretty tempting…one would not lightly wish that away.

However, if she does go into residential care it will have to be sold to realise the value of it (or, possibly, the council would put a charge on it, like a mortgage, that would have to be paid back once your MIL is no more) (whichever, self-paying for residential care is hideously expensive - allow at least £100 a day, that’s what my MIL’s care cost - in less than five years the ENTIRE value of her flat has gone…)

However, once your husband is 60 it SHOULD mean that the value of the house will be disregarded. I think other forum members have also suggested you check out (the experts here at CUK will know - email the question is best) whether because your daughter has special needs that might mean she is entitled to go on living in the house ‘indefinitely’ even before your husband turns 60.

IF that is so, and it’s watertight, then the council can’t make you sell the house and you would be ‘free’ to put your MIL into a care home, and go on living in her house until she dies, and your husband inherits it.

If that isn’t watertight, however, then it’s trickier. You could borrow money on the value of the house to pay for her care, but as I say, you are looking AT LEAST at 336k a year - easy to ‘use up’ a whole house in a few years. On the other hand, if your husband turns 60 in two years, then you would be limited to ‘only’ borrowing say £75k, after which the value of the house will be disregarded.

However, that is hardly an attractive prospect.

BUT, one thing is for sure, you CANNOT go on as you are, with your MIL hitting you, and you not even getting out of the house for coffee with your daughter- insane! at the very least, buying in care for her, ie, careworkers calling regularly and spending enough time doing what you do, or just ‘babysitting’ her, MIGHT enable you to ‘tough it out’ for the two years until your husband turns 60???

You could also pay for respite care several times a year to give you a ‘real break’ - it’s not ideal, but you might be able to ‘limp along’ until the magic 60 is reached.

One final thought for now - yes, definitely see her GP and report the violence. It might be possible for her to be put on tranquillisers to ‘calm her down’ and that might stop the hitting???

33

Has your husband seen her hit you? Does she hit him too? Does she hit your daughter???

34

If your daughter is classed as “incapacitated” and she lives in the house, it IS disregarded.

Google "CRAG - Charging for Residential Accommodation Guide. Then go to the .gov site and look at page 39, section 7.002. CRAG was updated a while ago, but apparently this section remains the same.

35

That would be excellent! It means you can tell your husband ‘Either your mum goes, or I do!’

That said, what DO you want, Beverley? If you feel that you could cope a bit longer (remember, dementia is grimly progressive, and she will only get worse alas), but only if you get sufficient breaks - both daily and respite care etc - then you could maybe decide to manage for a while.

But that is up to YOU. Since you are the carer - ie, you are the one that’s given up your job, who is coping with everything to do with your MIL’s needs and behaviour - YOU get to choose. Not your husband!

You don’t have to feel bad if you decide you can’t cope any longer, and that you want her to move into residential care. There will come a point as her dementia progresses where she will lose legal capacity, and what she wants - or says she wants - won’t actually count. She can be ‘taken into care’ even if she objects. It’s grim, but there it is.

Often, in practice, what happens is that there is a crisis, the person with dementia goes into hospital for some medical emergency, but then never comes home, but goes straight to a care home instead. That seems to happen time and time again, and it is, perhaps, an easier way for it to happen, rather than from home to care home…

But, first of all, tell us what YOU want to happen now - and how you want your husband to react to it!

36

Hi all. I’ve got social services coming today. I’ve listed everything I do and things that happen. Is there anything else I should do?

37

If it’s an assessment for mum, avoid saying “this is what I do” but rather “this is what mum desperately needs help with/cannot manage without help”.

Do NOT have a Carers Assessment at the same time. That needs to be done away from mum’s home so you can be honest and open, even cry if you are upset.

38

Ok thanks for that.

39

Social service visit went well. They are coming back next week to do another assessment.
They are going to arrange for her to go to a day centre and some restbite. She has got to have an financial assessment done. Is there anyway I could move some of her money? She hasn’t got over £23000 but is not far off. Would I be able to put some into a funeral fund?
Thanks

40

Glad the meeting went well.

be very careful about moving her money around. nearly everything will count as ‘deprivation of assets’ and won’t be allowed.

I know for a fact they won’t allow you to pay into a funeral fund for her, or set aside any money separately to pay for a funeral. I was told this by my own local authority in rtespect of my late MIL. That said, it’s worth checking it out - as others on the forum can testifu, sometimes the officials are either ‘economical with the truth’ or else just ignorant. They Do like to try and persuades us that we MUST provide care etc etc.

So maybe funeral expenses ARE allowed??? I wouldn’t bank on it though!

You should be able to ‘pay’ yourself up to a point for the care you’ve provided - again, others here know better. You have to be cautious as otherwise the taxman starts wanting a slice of your ‘earnings’ etc etc. You should not however be out of cpocket for anything you’ve spend on her, that has been paid by you.