New to the forum

New to Carers Connect
1

Hi,
Hopefully I’ve managed to get to grips with the forum and how it works, but please bear with me if I make mistakes!
Until recently I didn’t consider myself to be a carer, however, I realise that being a carer does not mean that you live with someone and care for them twenty four hours a day. My Mother is 90 years old and still lives in her own home. She has just come out of hospital for the fourth time in 2 years and each time she is frailer and weaker. I live about ten minutes from her and my sister and brother in law live about twenty minutes away, so we are all fairly nearby.

I was working part time but as time has gone on, I’m finding it more and more difficult to work and be there for my Mum. I’m not ready to retire yet, but I am discovering that caring is almost a full time job in itself. My Mum has reliable care in place, however, it’s still overwhelming at times. Having read some of the posts here has made me realise that I have exactly the same issues and worries as so many other people, and this has made me feel a lot better about my situation.


At times it does seem overwhelming, but finding Carers UK, and this forum in particular has made me feel a bit more positive. I hope I’ve not rambled on for too long, thanks for ‘listening’

2

Hi SS … welcome to the forum.

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but I am discovering that caring is almost a full time job in itself.

Yep … 7.8 MILLION out there would tend to agree with that.

Care for mother ?

Last hospital discharge … by the book ?

Being discharged from hospital - NHS

Care plan … all being done in accordance with the blueprint set out therein ?

Anyone ever mention CHC / NHS Continuing Healthcare at any stage ?
https://www.carersuk.org/forum/support-and-advice/all-about-caring/chc-coughlan-grogan-judgements-nhs-contuing-healthcare-nhs-fnc-hospital-discharges-all-under-this-one-thread-35998

Offered / refused / in course ?

Just a few obsevations from your opening post.

Extremely quiet on here … others will be along to extend their welcomes.

3

Hi Starsue,

Welcome to the forum. Yes, definitely a carer. It’s not only mum getting older, but you too. I’m now 67, my stamina nose dived after a series of operations, tiredness is my biggest enemy!

My mum was also in and out of hospital for years, the last year of her life was spent in a nursing home, she was simply too frail to stay at home any more. Not what either of us wanted, but we’d explored all the other options. She needed a TEAM of carers that only a nursing home can give.

Your mum may well end up having a “life changing moment” very soon. A fall, a chest infection, something she never quite gets over. My mum developed sepsis. She could just about hobble around with a Zimmer frame before this, but lost her strength to walk.

This would be a good time to be prepared for this eventuality. Go and have a look at the nursing homes as near as possible to you, and work out which one you like the best.
Money comes into this, does mum own her home? Have over £23,000 in savings (Yes/No)

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Hi Starsue
Welcome. Everything you said was spot on. Am glad you are finding your way around the forum. Feel free to join in an existing thread, or open up a new one if needed. Don’t worry about right or wrong places to post, we can cope with most things :slight_smile:

Kr
MrsA

5

Hi and a huge thank you for all your wonderful and heartfelt replies. I am so sorry that I haven’t acknowledged any of them and I cannot believe it’s now October and I last posted on here in June! I haven’t been on here for so long, but I realise that for the sake of my sanity, I have to reach out for support and advice and help! I have not been ignoring you all and I should have posted before this. I honestly don’t know where the time goes, like so many of us.

I think just admitting to myself that I’m a carer has made me feel a bit better in some ways. Previously I thought because I didn’t actually live with my Mum that I wasn’t a carer, but I now know this not to be the case. I have given up on any thoughts of temporary work at the moment, because I simply don’t have time, and if I want to do the best for my Mum, I need to concentrate all my time and energy on her.

Thank you so much for the information also, a lot of which I wasn’t even aware of, and will certainly research further. When my Mum is discharged from hospital, yes there’s a care plan in place, but the problem is, after a few weeks she says she doesn’t need any extra care and we revert to how things were. Her carers are excellent, but last week her main carer was on holiday and things were not too good.
As I said on my first post, my Mum is still in her own home, and when my sister and I had the conversation with her, she flatly refuses to consider going into a Care Home. It’s not what we want either, but at 91, with failing health, I don’t see any alternative. The suggestion of looking at care homes now is a good idea, but my sister and I keep putting it off, which is silly I know. Better to be prepared I guess, but the big question is, of course, what can/do we do if she won’t even consider it?

Just one last thing, does anyone else feel that their own life has been swallowed up and disappeared? I’m feeling this way, as if my whole life is now based round my Mum and her needs. I hope this doesn’t sound selfish, it’s just sometimes I think that I used to have a life, but maybe most people in this situation feel the same. it’s not like I want to do anything so exciting, but it would be nice occasionally to break out and go for a meal or to the cinema!!

Anyway many thanks for listening, I do feel a bit better getting all of this off my chest, and will definitely post more regularly.

Susan xx

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Susan, it’s very easy to gradually do more and more for an elderly parent, until you realise you don’t have a life of your own.
I found the more I did for my mum, the more she expected.
Counselling was incredibly helpful in managing her needs better, life changing in fact.

Tell us a bit more about mum.
What does she need help with most?
Can she do anything for herself now?
Does she own or rent her home?
Does she have over £23,000 in savings?
Does anyone have Power of Attorney for her?
Have you heard of “NHS Continuing Healthcare”?