Hello to everyone

New to Carers Connect
1

Morning,
Just joined as feeling a bit down, a lot tired and a little bit put upon!
Im carer to 85yr old mother in law. She lives with us, has done for 15 years.
Mobility has always been an issue. The last year was awful, with a couple of bad falls and then being rushed into emergency with complete heart block. We nearly lost her and I was on my own.
She had a pacemaker fitted, the recovery was slow and her moods were low, she told me in the hospital she was ready to go, but then they fixed her and she had to learn to walk and talk and think again (her brain was starved of oxygen for quite a while)

The plus side of all of this was we had carers come in everyday to re-enable her, which took the pressure off a little. Plus my husband finally saw that his mum was getting older, frailer and more dependant - something I had been dealing with alone.
Plus the local social services team have become involved and helped with advice and support.

Sorry, didn’t mean to make this such a long post!

At the moment, we pay for a carer to come in 30mins, 3 times a week - she does exercises and motivation etc. I take her to hydrotherapy sessions once a week. We also have a fall alarm, so we can leave her now for short periods.

I’ve changed my work hours so can be around more, for her lunches, for appointments etc etc

Sometimes I feel I am the only one worrying about her, planning ahead, scheduling everything to work smoothly.

She can be very rude - there is no filter, ever! And spoilt - like a toddler!
I love her very much and we’ve been thru a lot together, but I am so exhausted and achy all of the time.

Well done to anyone who’s managed to read this far! I really didn’t mean to unburden as much, but this is the first time I have ever written anything down! Looking forward to getting to know others and sharing experiences with similar carers :relaxed:

1 Like
2

Hi Buttercup,
Welcome to the forum. You sound worn out from juggling caring for your MIL and working. Reading between the lines, hubby is in denial and doing little to help and things were easier when your MIL was receiving rehab funded care visits.

How about if you had a weekend away visiting family or with friends, leaving hubby to cope, so he experienced firsthand how much support his Mum now needs?

Secondly, ask for an updated needs assessment for her Needs assessment | Carers UK It will depend on her savings whether she needs to pay or not, however, you can not carry on as you are.

You can also request a Carer’s assessment for yourself Carer's assessment | Carers UK to look at what support you need.

Melly1

3

Hi Buttercup
I’m not sure if you are using the word “we” loosely in terms of finance or whether you and your husband are picking up all the bills. It is really important that the lifeline , physios and therapy sessions are funded from your MIL’s money and not your own. Later down the road her care needs are likely to escalate and depending on her finances she may or may not be entitled to help from Social Services but please make sure you are not paying out of your own pocket.

4

Hello,
Thank you for the replies and the support :heart:

Re the money side of things, thankfully now receiving attendance and carers allowance so it is paying for the carers, hydro and physio.
Not that I would ever begrudge her anything.

Sorry for such a long first post, I have never shared this much information with anyone, just kind of got on with things.

Ooo a weekend away would be a dream, unfortunately an impossibility, I would feel so guilty. Plus my daughter would step up and it would be too much for her.

It’s so lovely to know I’m not alone. Thanks guys :pray: :blush:

5

Buttercup, from your posts, it seems that the time has now come to consider residential care. Go and have a look at what is available in your area.
There comes a time when family help just isn’t enough any more. You should not be expected to give up your life to keep MIL happy!

6

Potential residential care ?

AGE UK … one of the bibles out there :

Care homes | Information and Advice | Age UK

A whole host of links off that front page.

7

I forgot to address the issue of “Guilt”.

Did you ask for MIL to be so old and so frail? Of course not.
You have done your very best for her, despite all her problems (especially her sharp tongue) for years.
She is your HUSBAND’S mum. I loved my MIL very much, but it’s not the same as your own mum.
Husband is reluctant to help.
Daughter, much younger than you, wouldn’t cope.

There is a saying that we all get what we are prepared to put up with.
Husband effectively opted out, and dumped the problem on you. Was that fair? Of course not.
Under those circumstances, it is absolutely YOUR choice about what happens to MIL now. The only power anyone else has over you is the power you let them have.
So set a deadline. Take a deep breath, and tell your OH that something has to change.

8

Thanks for the replies :relaxed:

Chris, thanks for the link, I will definitely read up on all suggestions and advice.

Wow, thank you bowlingbun, such kind and helpful advice - that means so much to me, thank you.

You’ve hit the nail right on the head - I am actually going to write that saying down, I’ve always been a people pleaser, but I think it’s time to take care of me for a little bit too.
Thanks again, you’ve really made a difference :relaxed:

9

Then take your daughter too.

Your husband isn’t going to understand what the situation is unless either you talk very frankly with him or he actually has to take some responsibility too.

Attendance allowance is to be spent on MIL but Carers Allowance is meant to spent on YOU!!!

Melly1

10

My husband died from a heart attack at the age of 58, so he never had a retirement, never realised many of his dreams, because we’d been multiple carers for both sets of parents living locally, as well as our brain damaged son, for many years.

My advice to you is to stop putting your lives on hold for MIL. You have done ENOUGH.

11

Hi and welcome,

My partner’s brain was starved of oxygen for some time. One of the consequences is disinhibition. Try to remember it’s the brain injury being rude not mil. I can identify with the effects of oxygen starvation from painful personal experience. I’m so pleased you don’t begrudge her anything. I hated my mil. It would have been nice to have one I could care for. She would have been 89 today.

12

Thanks guys, it’s such a relief to have people who understand.
You have started me thinking about getting away…

You are all doing such an amazing job yourselves and coping so well with everything, thank you for taking the time. It is very, very much appreciated

13

Believe me we’re not all coping so well. On a good day I muddle through at best. I’m sure we’re all doing the best we can but that does not equate to coping well.

14

Coping? Not really. Health in ruins, fed up with battling to get my brain damaged son the care he is entitled, chest infection for the last month so virtually housebound…
More like everyone rowing the same lifeboat!

15

Sorry, haven’t had chance to log in for a while.

Wow guys, I am all the more appreciative now knowing what you are all living with as well as helping me. Thank you :blush: