New to the forum

Hi, I’m Soo, 63 years of age and the sole carer for my 83 year old husband who has various problems, the main one being his lack of any significant mobility.
I also care jointly for my 86 year old mum who is suffering from dementia although we haven’t been able to get a diagnosis yet. We lost my 87 year old dad 6 weeks ago, following a fall at home, and subsequent hospitalisation.
I work part time for the NHS, and it’s my salvation at the moment.
It’s scary and tiring when you realise people depend on you, particularly during the horrible situation we find ourselves in at the moment with the pandemic.

Hi Soo, welcome to the forum. You have a lot on your plate, something has to give!

I was widowed suddenly when I was just 54, it’s hugely difficult adjusting to a new situation.
How far away does mum live?
Does she own or rent her home?
Have over £23,000 in savings (Yes/No).
Who is handling dad’s will and estate?
It would be a good idea to sort out a Power of Attorney for mum, if not done already. This should be a top priority. Once she has been diagnosed with dementia, it may to be too late.
Does your husband accept outside help when you are at work?

Hello Soo

Like Bowlingbun I wanted to extend a warm welcome to our forum, you’ve certainly come to the right place to chat with other carers, many of who are struggling at the moment for all sorts of reasons. It does sound like you have a lot to juggle! I’m not sure if you are aware but we are running a lot of online sessions at the moment for our members, a group online meet up where carers come together every Monday afternoon to chat informally and support each other, there’s no pressure to share anything, it’s a safe place to come and talk to others. I’ve attached two links for you the first is our weekly Monday care for a cuppa, as mentioned above and the second link is for our share and learn sessions. Please have a look at the list of sessions we’re running Soo maybe one of them might be of interest to you. We’d love to see you there, and we have lots of new carers joining our sessions every week.

Care for a cuppa : Online meetups | Carers UK
Share & Learn : Share and Learn | Carers UK
I’m not sure if you are based in Wales but if you are please have a look at our Carers Wales page as we are also running a series of sessions for our carers in Wales.
For Carers in Wales :

And of course there is our telephone Helpline which is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email (

with all good wishes Soo
Hope to see you at one of our meet ups soon.

My mum lives close to us, she owns her own property and has a decent amount of savings. Her will and estate are in the process of being sorted out via the solicitors. We do have Power of Attorney, we sorted that out a couple of years ago.
We know that she needs specialised care, but making the decision is difficult and not something that she will easily accept, and I hate to see her so upset. We can’t do anything before she’s diagnosed and it’s not going to move quickly when she has been.
My husband is okay while I’m at work, he sits and reads most of the day, so I’m reasonably comfortable leaving him. I am thinking of one of the Lifeline alerts, just in case, because he’s fallen a couple of times over the last 12 months.
It’s hard seeing the people you love becoming so frail.

Thank you for this information Ingrid, I will have a browse and see what I think. I’m not sure I’m ready to actually chat to anyone yet, I’m still getting very upset at the mention of my dad dying, so it’s easier for me to ask questions, etc, by writing them.
I’m not based in Wales unfortunately, but I feel like I definitely need an outlet to be able to read/respond to other carers, I have support from friends and colleagues, but they are not actually caring for anyone older.
Thanks for responding to my initial post, it’s very kind of you.

If she owns her own property and has significant savings, then she (and ultimately you) would be much better off if she had extra help in the home, rather than move into residential care.
Also, if she has suspected dementia, then she may not be liable for council tax, as dementia counts as a “severe mental impairment”.
She can also afford, but may not want, domestic help, gardener etc.