I’ve been caring for my mum since 2013. She had a stroke in 2010. At times it has been very hard. Before the stroke she was very active. She used to do her own decorating. Now she is very frail, and even struggles to walk short distances. She fills me with worry sometimes. If we need to go to the doctor’s we use the wheelchair to get there. Now mum is 80 and gets very depressed. I feel her frustration and I can understand why she gets fed up. I’m dreading the day when she dies. And the inevitable feelings and challenges that come with it. When it does happen what will I do then? I have many regrets in my life but being my mum’s carer is not one of them. Do all carers think this way of is it just me? And this pandemic has just turned things upside down.
Welcome to the forum. What help are you getting? How much regular time off do you have?
At the moment it is just me and mum. Because I live with her. The doctor did say if we needed help we can just ask for it. For now we are managing. I came on this forum to talk to other carers about how they feel and what struggles they have. Because being a carer you feel totally alone.
I’m now 68. At one time all four of our parents, all living locally, were entitled to highest DLA Care, so was our brain damaged son.
Now all the parents have passed away, so has my husband, brother, and lovely sister in law.
I was constantly torn between what I wanted to do and what I could do.
I always thought that my husband and I would have many happy years to do what we wanted after the parents had died. He said sadly to me one day “We lived too near them” because they kept telling everyone like doctors and Social Services that they were OK because of us!
My husband died in 2006, mum died around 2016.
All my dreams have turned into dust. I am well qualified, worked for my husband, so I lost my employer, and had 30 tons of vintage lorry spares to deal with.
Then I had a car accident that nearly killed me, hardly able to walk, constant pain, yet still had mum and son to care for, in their own homes.
I’ve spent a lifetime looking after everyone else’s needs.
I always did my very best to care for everyone I loved.
I wish I’d said No more often. I wish I’d spent more time looking after myself. I wish I had gone out to work. I wish I had joined an organisation I had a support network when things were hard.
I always put the needs of others first, never put myself first.
If you don’t put yourself first, no one else will!
Counselling taught me that, and that I had a right to do what I wanted to do some of the time.
Usually I go to Greece for 2 weeks every year, to a hotel just for single travellers, and have made a new set of girlfriends and we have fun together.
Take a day off one day a week. Mum can have a cleaner to do the cleaning, and keep an eye on her. After all, who would know what to do with mum if you had a sudden accident or illness?
Hi Jackie, welcome to the forum
Sorry to hear you’re feeling worried, it’s really important that you look after yourself too though, and get the support that you need.
Have a look through our Help and Advice pages for information about support and self-care
You can also find your local carers group there if you wanted to connect with other carers. We also run a weekly care for a cuppa session on zoom. We run the session it every Monday afternoon at 3pm for an hour or so. Carers come together online and chat informally and take a bit of time for themselves. Do join if you’d like to, there’s no pressure to share anything.
https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/get-support/online-meetups
Best wishes
Ingrid
My friend is a Carer to her mother who has dementia. I know if is a lot worse for her that it is for me. But she has her dad to help her. What is keeping me going is that we are planning to go on holiday in the future. Since this pandemic it is all we’ve talked about. I think having something nice to look forward to has kept me somewhat sane. Before this pandemic I did go out once a week. And that does help.