Greetings to the forum. A new 63 yr old member struggling with a highly difficult elderly mother. My story in brief. 5 yrs ago I returned to the family home after 25 years abroad to care for my 85 yr old mother who was in a vulnerable situation due to very poor sight, Osteoporosis and limited independence. This worked well for over 4 years, I did not pay rent but I have invested considerable time and effort into restoring the home and gardens to its former glory and adapting the home to mums needs while taking care of all mums affairs and general household management. She wants for nothing. I was able to hold on to a good full time job until Aug last year when mum had a bad fall resulting in emergency hip surgery. Since then I have had no choice but to give up work to provide 24/7 care for mum as she can no longer be left alone for a real fear of falling. I have already sacrificed my own independence and now my income. I have no social life and no hope of entering into a relationship. Life as I knew it is on hold. I get Carers Allowance and UC which adds up to £488 per month. I pay half the utility bills, weekly groceries and maintain a car to provide household mobility.
Mum is not short of money and has provisioned well for her old age with a healthy bank account, considerable savings and good monthly income. She also gets Attendance Allowance. Here is my dilema. Is it reasonable for me to have a serious talk with mum and ask that she subsidise my loss of income to where it was when I had to stop work ? I feel I have sacrificed enough to care for her and I dont see why I should suffer financially when she can well afford to compensate me for my financial loss. My brother, who does absolutely nothing for her care, is being difficult over this as he feels it would be “Profiteering” and my argument is its “Justifiable compensation” as I’m doing all the work and suffering.
Mum is hard work and generally not a nice person at all, very miserable and sometimes abusive. Talking about money matters is a very combustible subject and is very protective of her money, going there is a minefield. She can not get any Council or NHS home care as it means tested and she does not qualify. Here’s the thing, if I went back to work full time, mum would require private care at a cost of approx. £3,400 pm, probably more. If the current arrangement continues with an income subsidy, I can provide quality live in care 24/7 for £1,200 pm. To me it’s a no brainer but getting my brother too see sense is proving impossible.
I would be interested to hear from any other members who may be in a similar situation and I would welcome any advice from members and their thoughts on this matter.