help me

im new here im 55 full time carer for my mum who has parkinsons , shes 84 , falling all the time , iv given up my job my marrage , my friends to look after her , im like a recluse , my problem is , im only getting 64.70 carers allowance to live on , i had 5 years ago 3,000 in bank savings , its all gone on our living expensives, mum had had 5000 in bank saved for her funeral , all gone on living , no one will help , we have nothing , all savings gone , income support wont help , iv lost everything to look after my mum , iv saved tghe goverment thousands by looking after her , my thanks is 64.70 per week , im loosing everything, please help me , please desperate

Hi Wendy
Please go to your nearest citizens advice office ASAP.
I have found them to be very helpful.
They will guide you re finances.

Wendy hi - it’s very late so this is only a quick reply. More in the morning, and I’m sure from other forum members too.

To give you any kind of ‘roadmap’ out of the dreadful mess you are in, we’ll need to know the following:

Where are YOU living right now? In your own place, or at your mum’s, or is she living with YOU?
If she isn’t living in your place, does your mum own the property she is living in, or is it rented?
If it’s rented, is it a council flat/house, or privately let to her?
Do you own any property?
When you divorced, what was your financial settlement (DID you divorce, or are you still married but separated)?
Are you the only person providing ANY care for your mum, or do professional care-workers help at all (ie, from Social Services/the council etc)?
If not, why not?
Can your mum be left on her own, at all, and if so, for how long?
Is she bedbound?
Do you have Power of Attorney for her financial affairs, and her health and welfare?
Have you checked with YOUR state pension office whether you’ve paid in enough money over your lifetime, and when working, to qualify for your full state pension in around ten years time?
Is the only income your mum has, is her old age state pension?

(I dare say you know that if your mum has less than £23, 500 in income and savings, she is entitled to free care with care workers coming in several times a day if she needs it. If she doesn’t own any property either, she is entitled to free residential care in a care home.)

(What you may be LESS aware of - as social workers and the council don’t like us to know this! - is that you have NO ‘legal duty of care’ for her. You are entirely free to walk away and not lift a finger for her ever again! I’m not saying you would do this, but you COULD if you wanted - and then all the ‘free care’ you are providing for her (as you say, saving the government a fortune) would HAVE to be supplied by the state.)

(For you, the important thing now is to STOP subsidising the state and providing free care (it’s ‘free’ simply because, as you say, rightly and bitterly, not a single soul could actually LIVE on Carer’s Allowance!)

Once we have a ‘financial picture’ of your circumstances and that of your mum, we can ‘guide’ you better.

Why did your husband let you give your life up for your mum??? I do hope he was ‘against’ it - at the very least in order to try and stop you ending up as you are now, alas.

However much you love your mum - and you are clearly devoted to her, having given up SO much for her! - this just can’t go on the way it has been!

I suspect the reason you are in such a dreadful situation now is that you made an initial ‘kneejerk’ reaction when your mum needed care, and have since realised how dangerous that was.

(I made a similar ‘knee’jerk’ reaction when my MIL phoned me five years ago to say she couldn’t go on living on her own. I ‘rushed to the rescue’, brought her 400 miles sound to me…and it took me five nightmare months to realise I had made a HUGE mistake, and I should have found her a place near me to live rather than move in her in. I never expected the move to be permanent to me, all I wanted was to have her stay ‘for a bit’ while I found another flat for her…but it took five months to relaise she could NEVER live on her own ever again…so I ‘cracked’ and moved her into a care home. I was almost suiciadal with caring by then. My entire life had been ‘stolen’ by caring’).

Anyway, enough for now - let us know the answers to those financial questions, because the answers will determine what your options are now.

Hope you get some sleep tonight - interrupted nights would lead anyone to a breakdown, but they are all too common for carers alas.

Kindest wishes, and don’t despair! Jenny

Ps You should NOT be spending a PENNY of YOUR money on your mum’s care! Outrageous!


I so wish you’d found us a long time ago. We will support you all we can.

What benefits is mum receiving?
Is she living in rented accommodation? Private or council?
Have you asked Social Services to do a Needs Assessment for mum, and a Carers Assessment for you?
What aids does mum have to help her with daily living?
Is she showing any signs of dementia?

Hi Wendy … welcome to the canteen.

Benefits / allowances ?

ALL being claimed ?

An online benefits calculator for a quick guide :

At least that will confirm one way or the other.

Financial resources diminished ?

Welcome to CarerLand … 7.8 million inmates … HALF close to / at / below the official poverty line.

Balancing eating / heating / keeping a roof over one’s head … whilst caring for our caree with very little ( If at all ) external support … is nothing new for many family / kinship carers.

Debt ?

Par for the course … only this week , I moved into black for the first time in 23 years … 10 years spent as a lone 24 / 7 carer … then the next 9 years struggling to reduce the level of debt … what we call an " Occupational hazard. "

Wendy, hi again - it’s morning, so look back in on the forum when you get a chance!

Lots of folk here ready to help you out of your dreadful mess. As I say, don’t despair, things CAN improve.

Kindest wishes, Jenny

Wendy - don’t disappear!

Little by little, bite by bite, we can show you how to climb up, step by step.

It does NOT have to be as dreadful as you are in now.

Please don’t ‘collapse’ and disappear!

Once mum has had a Needs Assessment, she should be given the option of Direct Payments from Social Services, in effect she could employ you to care for her.
First step must be getting that assessment done. Promise yourself that this time next year, your life will be much better. It can be.


Once mum has had a Needs Assessment, she should be given the option of Direct Payments from Social Services, in effect she could employ you to care for her. >

Best to double check with your LA on receiving monies under DPs IF paid to your caree … there are problems that remain unresolved :

An ongoing minefield !

Been thinking about you and hope you come back on.
Big hugs x

Dear Wendy,

I do hope you get in touch again. Perhaps it is important to bolster your own health to improve your resilience. Because I am not sure how much capacity you have to action dealing with organisations as I suspect you are already running on empty.

How to do this?
If possible can you book a double appointment with a GP and a nurse to discuss your situation. Perhaps ask for blood tests to ensure you have no physical problem which can be addressed which is hindering you, e.g. I found out a bit late in the day I had an under active thyroid which meant I was starting from a exhausted level at the beginning of each day.
Perhaps ask GP/nurse/Pharmacist if there is anything you can take to reduce anxiety.

Perhaps the GP can action contact with social services to get a Carer’s assessment done- don’t expect too much but they may be able to help with respite and carers.

Simply get a nice countryside greeting s card-stare into the picture-lose yourself and wonder whats over the hill, down the track etc. Do this frequently-even day dreaming your in your favourite place will give some minutes of relaxation.

There is more to suggest, but let’s see if this is of any use to you.
Take care. Tessa


Saw your message. Many of us here have ended up here in a desperate state financially and/or emotionally. Things CAN get better. I am living proof of that. Lots of good advice already. Please get in touch.

Please know there are lots of kind people here who have your best interests at heart and will do all they can to help you through this. Above all, we understand.