Hi
I’m f(31) and live in the north west of England. I’m currently caring for my ex partner who suffers with severe mental illness. I find the caring role particularly tough. I’ve been doing this since 2013 and I feel guilty for my feelings but I wish I had more freedom. I feel consumed by guilt and not a day goes by where I don’t consider jacking it all in and just moving far away. I could never do it because I care too much, but this is the loneliest and toughest thing I’ve ever experienced. I suppose I wondered if anyone has any similar experiences or feels the same. Apologies for the bombardment of feelings. I hope I haven’t come across as cold or insensitive.
Anyway, on the positive side There is a degree of stability in the house that hasn’t been present for a long time. There hasn’t been an attempt at taking their life for a long while and this is slowly easing some tension I’m carrying. As for me, I have a cat, she keeps me going. I like watching films, and taking walks in nature, taking photos as a start up hobby, something I do with the person I care for, which has been really great and beneficial for both of us. I have a lot of interests and hobbies I can’t pursue currently but I hope in the future things will continue to improve to a point I’m able to have more independence and possibly look into working or volunteering. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I’d love to make some new friends or people to chat online to . Best wishes xxx
Welcome to the forum. That sounds really tough. I am glad you have hobbies, it is so important to take time for yourself.
I care for my Mum with dementia and have a young family and a part time job. Previously I looked after my Dad too, but he died a year ago. Before I found the forum I felt a bit like you, just desperate to escape the situation. With help from here, I have a much better balance in my life between family, care, and now even have a job.
What job/volunteering role would you like to do? What are the baby steps you can take to achieving this? Often the starting point is getting some help for the person you care for? Do you have any outside help to give you some time to yourself?
Hello and welcome!
What sort of work would you enjoy doing? Do you have a resume or not? Start by looking at job advertisements online. Finding work is about taking little steps. In other words, start slowly. Make a list of skills which are essential for the workplace and go from there. Talk to a employment services person about work as well. There are even online career quizzes you could do that would help. Good luck! One place to start your search at is the local library, there are career books there. Or you can find out about courses that help you enter the workplace too. Ask your local community college about possible courses or search online for adult education classes. I hope this is useful!
Me time is essential for unpaid carers. I’m glad to see that you have hobbies, everyone should have at least two. I care for my little brother part time and I work too. My hobbies are sewing, talking, reading, and writing. I also do some cookery and massage therapy to make additional money. When was the last time you took a proper break? Even if it is half a day that still counts. For example today I met a long time friend at a local library. We talked and ate a quick lunch in the tearoom together. Then we walked around in the open air for a while taking some photos of the ducks on the lake. On Friday I am going dancing at a disco. Make some plans. Develop your hobbies.
Hello there Dina,
It is nice to meet you, it seems that your feelings are the same as mine so please don’t apologise for sharing them or think you have made yourself sound like cold or bad in any way because I feel the same about my caring role too.
I would love to be your friend.
I see this topic was posted 4 years ago but oh well. I keep getting recommended old topics so I read them and reply if they interest me.
I hope you still use this site and will see this but here is my situation. I am a carer for my mum and have been for 10 years.
I started when I was 22 and I am now 32 and I am trans male and I still feel like I am in my 20s! Probably because being a carer took up my 20s and I feel like I have wasted them and that I have missed out on a lot of fun! Dating, fun places, holidays, parties, social events and other fun events.
As a result of being a carer i am isolated and as a result dont really have a social/support system and its just me and my mum until 2020 when i met B but unfortunately she lives 5 hours away in wales. we get along so well but we’ve only met 3 times in 4 years.
i thin met J in 2023 and he took me to more places and events that i have ever been to. he did that every sat and tuesday!
alas he lives an hour away and since we broke up he wont take me out as often.
Anyway, before then i have really struggled with being a cerer. for a start i hated being called my mums carer instead of her (daughter) (as she doesn’t accept im trans male) and it made me feel like i am just like her assistant or servant and not family anymore plus i felt like a fraud coz being a carer isnt my career of choice so being called that just didn’t sit right. ive always thought of myself as businessman or someone more important/more of a higher ranking role rather than a subservient servitude role so i will admit that being forced into this role frustrated me because i felt i had to take on a more servitude personality and thus i lost myself (in the bad way, not the good way like losing yourself in good book or a game or fantasy).
My mum would often yell at me because I wasn’t doing enough for her and wasn’t the perfect carer because I just don’t wanna do everything. She would say I can’t go out, or do this and that because i have to stay home and be with her all the time and just cook and clean and i hated it.
I had no freedom and hardly any me time. even my supposed me time i still have to get disturbed to get her drinks up until she goes to bed at 3 or 4 am! So i have to stay awake until that time.
The fact that she had all this control over me and would tell me off andshout at me if i didn’t obey her every wish and clean the house as well as she did when she was able bodied (she has OCD so she expects me to clean it to pristine conditions even tho she always said she never did that) and i would often tell her that cleaning this house all by myself is too much for me but she’d respond with “well i did it for x number of years so you can do it too”
as you can tell she refuses to get help in the form of cleaners or carers because she’d prefer i do it all.
She said she doesn’t want strangers in the house.
I think that will be all for now!
The original post is a few years old now, and unfortunately the OP has not returned to the forum. Locking the topic