Hi All
I find caring for my 95 yr old mother extremely rewarding however I do struggle with “who” I am now. For thirty five years I ran my own sculpting business but no longer have the time and gave it up. Now I’m no longer the breadwinner and feel I’ve let my own family down. Getting home at 10pm doesn’t help either with my marriage. Not knowing when I can be in control of my life again leaves me in a sort of limbo. Not looking for answers, just needed an outlet to rant.
Thanks for listening.
Cheers
Pete
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@PeteCal Welcome to the Forum. The lack of ‘status’ given to Carers is horrendous yet the NHS would collapse without us. Does your mother get any outside help? Do you get any respite?
Roll Call is a safe place to share the realities of caring plus we do have lighter moments too. No judgement but loads of empathy. Please give it a go - just ‘lurk’ until you feel comfortable commenting or sharing. Been a life saver for me. I care for my medically non compliant 85 year old husband - been doing this officially since 2013 but in reality probably a couple of years previously. I so resent not even daring to leave the house for long periods. I do have a small group of very close friends who are complete diamonds.
Do you have a local Support for Carers? If you cannot get to meetings then maybe they could offer a ‘telephone befriender service’? There may be a waiting list but often the befrienders have been carers themselves.
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@PeteCal I hear you. When I first resigned from my ‘big’ corporate job to help Mum look after dad and move back from Brussels to the small corner of the UK, I had to ‘reclaim’ a sense of self and decondition, unprogramme my brain I knew in my heart what mattered but my brain needed to catch up! 
So please feel free to rant and rage - it’s a lot about societal status quos and social cues and programming…
Even when Dad was struggling, and he had vascular dementia (he passed in 2020), and the 3 of us had really tough times, I’d find ways to ‘talk it out’, why I was home, why I was choosing to be with them, why it mattered to me, and what this meant for us…not easy thoughts and questions, but the key point I wanted to share is that with our loved ones trying to explain why we do what we do can help THEM understand and connect with YOU.
It helps avoid mismatched expectations, or assumptions about what each of you is thinking…
I say this because I realised a long while ago, that I was playing out a lot of stories in my head …e.g. Dad was MORE feeling guilty about me being home helping them THAN me resigning my ‘big job’.
So Yep - feel free to rant and shout here we all get it! Talking is good here or with your partner…
hope something there resonates. and I hope you get some time to yourself and support for caring for your mother.
best wishes
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Hi Pete,
Welcome to Carers Connect. I’m new here too, and can resonate with what you say in many ways.
One of my reasons for seeking out a forum space such as this was to take some control in my life. To be able to share a part of me with others who will understand. Caring can feel so lonely, and it can then become all consuming to the point that we feel this is just who we are now.
Hopefully, this forum will help us connect with others and feel less alone, more supported, more like ourselves. Take care of you, and ‘see’ you around.
Becky
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Hi Pete, I’ve only just caught up with your thread, as I’ve been away for two weeks, on holiday. In total, I’ve cared for 10 family members over 50 years, now just part time for my brain damaged son. My health is in ruins, after lots of surgery I was hoping for some peaceful years sewing, but sadly I’m so riddled with arthritis even that is impossible. Parents take their children for granted, the more you do the more they expect you to do! A few quick questions for you to start with. How old are you? How long are you spending with mum every day? When did you and your wife last have a week’s holiday together? Is mum physically disabled, mentally disabled, or both? And finally, does she have over £23,000 in savings? Just yes or no for an answer, it’s the limit at which Social Services should help financially.
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Hello Pete and another Welcome to the ‘Forum’ - a safe place to rant, scream, shout, cry, ask for advice or information or whatever helps YOU.
I’m 63 caring for my 68 yr old husband who had a stroke 2 1/2 years ago and our lives changed that day. We had to close our business just as we recovered from covid and him having emergency prostate surgery. Since then he’s had one medical problem after another including cardiac, respiratory, prostate cancer and hypertension. Oh life is just a bowl of cherries - with us getting all the stones!
Currently he’s been in hospital and Rehab for five weeks and don’t know when he will be home, so I am visiting daily and seem to be doing more now than when we was at home. I am constantly moving medical appointments, liaising with different departments (he has major continence issues and I am the one who seems to be left to pull all the different services together! Hang on that’s not MY job.)
I don’t think there is one of us on here who has not had a moan and a rant at some point, so don’t worry about doing just that. We KNOW what it’s like and can empathise.
I do worry about whether I can provide enough care/support from Graham and even today he has said he doesn’t want to be a burden on me when he comes home. But then as others have said - we just get on with it don’t we?
Take it from one who has the scars - DO make time for yourself whenever you can. I’ve met up with a Walk and Talk group initially run by our local Carer’s Support Service. They organised it for six weeks and we now meet fortnightly as a group of friends for a walk, chat, moan and then coffee. Last week there were only three of us, but recently we’ve all felt low and I warned I might be shedding some tears - not often I can do that with others, but knew they would not worry and it was a ‘safe’ place. If you can find something like that, it can be amazing.
Speak again soon.
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Hi Becky
Thank you for reaching out. I was reluctant to send my original post, wondering if it was just a sign of weakness on my part.
Now I wish I had done it much sooner!
Finding a community that understood everything I was experiencing was a huge comfort and continues to be.
I feel recharged now, humbled by others stories and am now in a good place.
There will be further bumps down the road but I know I have a new “family” just a post away.
All my best to you
Peter
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Hi Chris
You are a very kind soul and a gentleman. After I posted I read many stories, like yours, of carers doing amazing things and experiencing much greater hardships than I. I know it’s not a competition but I almost felt like a fraud for reaching out.
Knowing there is a community out there for when I need it has been of great comfort and I am now in a much better place.
I’m glad you have found a group that understands and supports you. I’m near Malvern and am always on the lookout for groups that offer distraction from the caring. It is not surprising that they are thin on the ground when we all have difficulty in getting away. Organising a group must be almost impossible.
Appreciate you taking your valuable time on a fellow carer.
I wish you all the very best for the future.
Thank you
Peter
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Peter I am certainly no angel and just potter on from day to day. I have bad days, like everyone, but try not to let Graham see them. He does see through me and worries more about me than about himself. He keeps saying he doesn’t want to be a burden!!
We are each unique in the problems we have to deal with and how we get through. I think that is what makes us special if we really are special. The fact we carry on through all adversity. You are no different with the problems you face - you get through and carry on. So you are amazing too!
On here we share our troubles and get amazing support from others and when we can we give it back. THAT is why this place is so special. I don’t think there is anyone who has not admitted to having a bad day and got kindness from everyone else. At times, we can’t give, but we can receive and that is what makes it work.
I mentioned the local W&T group. One of them went through a REALLY rough time 3 weeks ago and we rallied round - last week was ‘my turn’ and it was lovely to feel the warmth from people I don’t know that well.
Have you checked to see if there’s a Carer’s Support Centre near you? Ask at your GP surgery - and also ensure you are registered as a Carer with them as it opens up some more doors to you. Have you told your Mother’s GP that you are her Carer? If not I recommend doing it.
Here’s a few links I found which, if you aren’t aware of them may be of help to you.
I hope this isn’t “teaching you to suck eggs”
A lot of us pop onto “Roll Call” thread frequently and keep in touch on there - checking up on each other and having a chuckle or a moan. Do feel free to check it out and come join us sometime.
https://forum.carersuk.org/t/roll-call-september-2024/125628/664
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