New member hello! Carer for grandmother

All about caring
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Hi all, I’m new to this site and just wanted to vent really, I hope this is the right place.

I care for my 88yo grandmother who has a long list of health problems. I moved in with her in 2017 and her health started declining in 2019 after her daughter (my mother) passed away. They were estranged from each other and the whole situation was really difficult for us both.

On the whole I will say my grandmother does brilliantly, people can’t believe her age. We go out a few times a week. She likes shopping and the seaside so I try to take her out and about as much as possible. Financially she’s okay and luckily I have a car so she can be mobile. She’s a generous, well-meaning person and on the whole our relationship is pretty good. Her mind is clear which is a blessing.

She’s experienced a lot of upheaval and trauma in her life but has never sought professional help for it. It might be too much to expect someone of her generation to go to therapy. I’ve tried gently suggesting counselling, so has our GP, to no avail. She’s anxious most days and understandably doesn’t sleep well. I think she might be autistic as neurodivergence runs in the family; I’m also struggling with what I’m sure is ADHD.

Her care needs suddenly became very complex in April and it was 24/7 for a few weeks, which was hard but we just about managed.

She’s doing better than she was then thankfully. But I feel as if I can’t go out and do anything for myself because I need to be back for her. I’m scared in case she has a fall and I’m not there. She does have a personal alarm thank goodness. We have no one we can ask for help, although our (unwell, elderly) neighbours are kind so in an absolute emergency I could ask them. We have no family that will/can help, everyone is either estranged or live hundreds of miles away.

It’s not so much the physical side of things - she’s independent with personal care and housework and keeps her mind occupied. It’s more the mental side. Her friends have drifted away or she’s cut them off. She says she can’t be bothered seeing anyone which I think is caused by depression, as she used to be a social butterfly.

I’m struggling at the moment with guilt and resentment - I feel like whatever I do isn’t enough. Little things stress her out. I forgot to bring shopping bags out today and she was really upset. If I go out for an hour or two she finds it too stressful to keep up with my comings and goings so I rarely go out anymore, she has to come with me. We spend most days together.

I’m her only outlet, so she’ll talk about her trauma quite often and I try to listen and talk her through her marriage, family, friends and grandchildren who all hurt her, etc. I know it’s good for her to get it out and try not to take it personally, but can’t help thinking sometimes ‘but I’m here’. I’m trying to manage her emotions and mental state which I know is impossible.

I’m sure I wind her up. I’m indecisive, chaotic and disorganised but do my best to manage her appointments, medication, phone calls, etc. I keep forgetting things and I’m not a very rational or resilient person. But I’m all she’s got unfortunately.

I was just made redundant from a job I had for 7 years so I’m around much more now, which I thought she’d prefer but maybe me being around all the time is overwhelming for her. The company I was working at home for wanted me to go back to working in the office 1.5 hours away, but as my grandmother’s health declines, I couldn’t risk it. I’m struggling to find a job that’s local or remote.

I turned 34 last week and most of my long-time friends have drifted away. I’ve made two new friends in the past year who are lovely, but have their own lives and illnesses to cope with. Some days I can’t see a way forward or imagine a life in the future. I have no plan and no idea what I want to do. Caring for her is how I centre every decision.

After making an account today and reading through other posts here, I’m overwhelmed with others’ bravery and wonder how on earth you manage to cope. You are wonderful. I know I have it much easier than many and it feels wrong and selfish to complain. I think I’m just burnt out lately.

Sorry this is so long, I’ve never had an honest conversation with anyone about caring and how difficult it is at times. Writing this has been cathartic! I hope you’re all okay.

Rosie x

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hi @rosie1234 ,welcome to the fourm. My suggestion is talk to the GP not just for your self but also for your Gran. You need a break and so does your Gran, I would see what can be offer to you . Have you had a carers assesment? Have you spoken to Social service about sorting out some respite? Maybe the GP can refer you for counciling but also some other things which could help you both. Hard to say what it can be as as people have different way in helping other. you can always come onto the role call and chat and vent with us if you need it.

take care

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@rosie1234 welcome to the forum. Vent all you like! We all do! I too felt like my situation as a carer was much easier than others on here, but you are just as important as anyone else on here and everyone is so lovely and supportive.

I am a part time carer for my 99 year old Mum. Last year I too was burnt out and my relationship with Mum was at breaking point. I also think she was depressed. I approached my GP. They gave me a lot of really useful information . Through this I found Promas, a Cornish charity who run courses for carers. I went on a course, which was life changing. It took time, but the tricks I learnt on the course have really improved my relationship with Mum such as:

I am not responsible for Mums mental health

I need to prioritise my own mental health

I need time out to enjoy things I like to do

I must allow Mum to make her own decisions and to struggle to do things so that she feels useful (even if they happen at an infuriatingly slow pace!). I had her GP do an assessment of her cognitive capacity to ensure she was capable of making decisions,

I also did an NHS course to improve my sleeping.

I’d thoroughly recommend contacting your GP and following up on any courses or support you can get. Not working, this is the perfect time to make time to do this. When you were working, you left your Gran, so she is used to you leaving her. Find some thing/s you like to do and prioritise them. My things are horse riding (I ride for a friend and don’t get charged a penny), walking, gardening and going to the pub. Maybe you get in contact with some friends again. Open up to people about your role as a carer and how you are feeling. You may be surprised at the good response you get. It wasn’t natural for me to open up, but I’m much better now, and it’s really helped me.

unfortunately, you are going to have to say no to your Gran, which will not be easy. No Gran, I need to go out and have some time to myself. Set boundaries now, it’ll be more difficult as time goes on. Don’t feel guilty, you are doing an amazing job caring for your Gran. Well done for recognising you are at breaking point.

You are right, your Gran and my Mum are from the generation of sweep it under the carpet and battle on. Mum says that there wasn’t counselling when she was younger and she’s fine. I say nothing!!

Good luck and keep in touch.

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Michael thank you so much for your reply. It’s funny you should say that as last night I thought finally I need help with this, I don’t think I’m coping, I’ll have to speak to someone. I will give them a ring and see what they can do. Thanks so much again for the kind welcome. I’m still finding my way around the site and it seems very supportive! Take care

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HorsyDeb thank you so very much for your kind message, it brought a tear to my eye. This is really what I needed to hear! I think I’ve struggling for a lot longer than I realised, and we’re just expected to get on with it. It’s not natural for me to open up either!

Your situation sounds really difficult, I’m glad you reached out for the help you needed and it worked for you. Promas sounds wonderful, I’ll check them out and contact my GP as well. Last night I thought I really need to speak to someone who understands, I don’t know what to do. Signed up to this site on a whim and I’m glad I did! x

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Glad to be of help. I felt that caring was a job I’d been given, for which I didn’t get paid and for which I’d had no training. Sounds like you feel the same way!

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I’m dismayed that your young life has revolved around meeting the needs of an elderly difficult elderly woman. Something has to change. Do NOT feel guilty any more, feel proud of what you are doing instead. Nothing I ever did was enough for my mum. My husband died suddenly in 2006, so I was left to run our business, with 30 tons of lorry spares to sell and a son with severe learning difficulties. 3 months later I was disabled in a car accident, yet despite all this mum always had a list of jobs for me as “you do them better than the carers”!

In the end, on the verge of a breakdown, I had counselling, which was life changing. It taught me how to manage mum’s expectations and not to feel guilty when I was doing something I liked for me, not mum.

How are you managing financially?

Does nan own or rent her house? Does she have over £23,000 in savings? Just yes/No is enough. How old is she?

What dreams do you have for your own future?

When did you last go away on holiday on your own or with friends?

These are not nosey questions,