Grandmother's Depression

Hi all,

I’m new here. Finally accepted that I really needed to find somewhere to vent with people who might understand my situation. I’m a 26yo carer to my 88yo Grandmother, although I have difficulty considering myself a real carer as I don’t provide any nursing support.

Background: My Grandmother took me in and raised me after my (alcoholic and drug addicted) mother kicked me out at 14yo. She provided for me and raised me to be the person I am today. I love her and I owe her so much. While she has a son (my uncle, 60yo), he lives >4h away and still harbours severe resentment against my Grandmother from his parents divorce 55 years ago.

For the last 10years I’ve been solely responsible for my Grandma’s healthcare and wellbeing, despite living in a city several hours away for work. I’ve been responsible for everything from arranging her hospital transports, medical appointments, talking to the GP on her behalf, and dealing with the local council, to dropping my work and responding to emergencies (Falls, A&E admissions, accompanied hospital appointments etc). I have now been registered as both her financial and medical POA, so she wants me to take over managing her finances too.

My Grandma has always been an extremely sociable person, and the COVID-19 pandemic really took a toll on her. In the last few years, she has become severely clinically depressed. Her emotional regulation and cognitive abilities declined so severely that her GP and I were concerned is was dementia, but after a series of assessments, scans, and tests, it’s now been determined that any cognitive decline is normal for her age, and the main issue is extreme depression and anxiety, which is impacting her ability to function. Her GP and I are in regular discussion regarding her antidepressants, appointments, and medication. I arranged a social prescriber from the council. She has a dietitian helping with eating issues. Upon her request, I arranged a private psychologist for her to see, but now she insists there’s nothing wrong with her that she needs to talk about. She has activities and events with different groups of her friends every day Mon-Fri.

And none of it is helping, and it’s getting to the point where I’m really struggling to cope. She calls me having panic attacks when I’m at work. She calls me in the middle of the night for non-emergencies. If I miss a call she gets so upset with me. She constantly tells me how lonely she is and how all of her friends’ children/Grandchildren visit them every week (it costs me >£120 to get home). When I do go and visit, it ends with her having a panic attack and begging me not to leave. If I so much as ask if she’s eaten or drank water or slept properly or been outside that day she gets so angry and upset with me she cries and I feel horrific. Last month I went on holiday for the first time in 5 years and she got so upset that I didn’t use my AL to go and see her that she wouldn’t speak to me for days (and then called me crying for several after). The way she talks to me is so guilt inducing. Nothing I do is enough. I don’t see how anything short of me giving up my career and moving back home would satisfy her. The guilt of never being enough is unbearable.

My uncle gets none of this. Her phone calls with him are nothing but pleasant. He doesn’t believe she’s ‘actually’ depressed and claims she’s putting it on for attention. He has offered no tangible support to either me or my Grandma. His only advice to me has been that “You can’t live your life caring for someone else”. But if I don’t care for her, who will?!! Because, evidently, it’s not him, yet my Grandma only ever praises “all he does for her”. I’ve tried to explain my position to him but all he does is blame Grandma for putting pressure on me, which makes her even more upset/depressed.

I feel like I’m at the end of my rope. Grandma won’t engage with the help I’m getting her because she seems to want me to fix everything for her instead. My uncle doesn’t think there’s anything wrong and insists I should abandon her. My career and mental health is crumbling under the strain of my guilt, preoccupation, and feelings of being trapped.

I’m very aware that I have my whole life to live, but only her life to spend with her. I’m just so tired of my best not being enough.

Ask your GP to arrange counselling specifically aimed at dealing with your grandmother. My mum was younger but very similar to your grandmother. Only wanted me to do things for her, never ending list of jobs. My brothers were the favourites, but never visited. One even took the entire family on Concorde to the Caribbean telling mum it was better for the kids as the flight was shorter. I’m pretty certain she funded it!!! Me? I got £20 as a Christmas present despite visiting many times a week when she was ill!
Counselling focussing on me, not what I could or couldn’t do for someone else, was life changing.

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I hear you! But you have already done so much for your grandma. I’d like to give you a big virtual hug and encourage you to hang in there. You are doing a great job by the sounds of it and it sounds like you and your grandma are close. My grandad in 90 years coming August this year. I laundry his clothes for him, but besides that, he has a bit of a back problem but he is very good health for his age, praise Yahweh. I love my grandad very much and every Sunday I try to watch football with him and he enjoys my company. But what I would like to suggest is it sounds like Grandma is a bit clingy and also able to talk to you about things to you to which she cannot speak to any other, like Uncle, and that’s a good thing. I want to encourage you to hang in there! You are doing a great job, don’t ever forget that! Maybe try to lay a few ground rules with your grandma such as how many times you can see her for and how long you will stay for. Thank you for all your work! May Yahweh bless you!

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Thank you so much for replying,
It’s really something getting positive recognition for what I do for her. Most people I talk to about it view it as a negative thing, and I’ve definitely taken some of that into my way of thinking about it. Your positivity is a really nice and very helpful change of perspective. Thank you so much for your encouragement, I’m sure your Grandad is very grateful for all the time you spend with him too! I’ll try and have a conversation about setting more solid rules with her. Big virtual hugs to you too! <3

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