Hey everyone, I’m 32 and am currently caring for my 96 year old grandmother. She’s physically doing pretty well considering her age and is reasonably independent still. My dad used to do it but he died 3 years ago and I have been helping her since.
I don’t know what I’m doing. I am overwhelmed and frustrated. I am also autistic so becoming overwhelmed is really easy for me.
She needs help in the house, won’t let me do it, won’t let me find domiciliary care to help and refuses to allow a cleaning company in. She will only accept a private cleaner but none near us have any spare time.
She also can’t handle her money anymore it makes her too anxious. I help as much as I can but on her bad days she thinks I want to steal from her (I have never and would never ever do this) I think we need a professional for her comfort and mine but I don’t know where to start with that.
I have sacrificed a lot for her but she thinks I’m self serving. I live in a city i do not want to be in, I have cut my hours down massively in my dream job in order to be there for her and she thinks I did this for my own benefit, I barely have enough money to live now. She thinks it’s a problem my partner and I want to marry and believes hes only with me for my inheritance from her. We fell in love before my dad got sick I was not getting an inheritance then and I didn’t tell him about any of it for a long time after dad and hes offered to sign a prenup to make her more comfortable . I holding off on having kids because I couldn’t handle them and her, I haven’t told her this i don’t want her to feel bad.
I’m anxious all the time, I’m scared that when I go see her shel be in a bad mood and attack my relationship or my intentions, I don’t handle it too well. I’m starting to resent her, the woman who took care of me when I was sick growing up, who was my main source of comfort and affection when I was a child. I idolised her and now I wish I never had to go see her again.
I feel like a monster for this. It’s all too much and I don’t know where to get help.
Hannah
It is so sad that age can have a negative effect on a persons behaviours.
You are not alone, you are here, keep checking back for replies.
Please phone the helpline to speak with them.
Also copy and paste your post to their email address for help and advice.
Carers UK information and support
Our telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email (advice@carersuk.org)
You sound very overwhelmed and close to breaking point. Age does seem to make people much more selfish as they maybe feel vulnerable and do not want to use ‘control’.
But YOU matter too. I would suggest you maybe speak to her GP and express your concerns and tell them you need a break or more support. Do you have a local Carers Centre? If so, you should be able to get local advice from them. But yes, it is well worth giving the Adviceline a call.
I’ve just joined, I’m 66 looking after 94 year old mother since Dec 2020 and am also feeling completely overwhelmed. All I can say is we are doing the hardest ‘job’ in the world 24/7/52 to the best of our ability You have my utmost admiration and sympathy xx
Hello Mary you are not alone you are here now and I hope you find some useful posts in here that are helpful.
If you haven’t had carers assessment done have a look at this link.
thanks Breezey!
Age uk helped Mum (me) to apply for Attendance Allowance when I asked their advice on which we should apply for. I’ll follow the link you posted when I next get 10 minutes!
Dear Hannah
Firstly a big warm welcome to our forum, you’ve certainly come to the right place to connect with lots of other carers who hare feeling very similar to the way you are feeling at the moment, you are not alone. Many carers struggle for all sorts of reasons. I see one of our other carers has suggested you contact our advice line, I’d definitely suggest the same. I know your time is short with work et but I wanted to highlight some other ways you can connect with carers, we are currently running a series of online weekly meet ups for carers to get together and chat informally. People say they’ve found it really helpful and supportive and it’s nice to be able to take a little bit of time for yourself. There’s no pressure to share any more than you’re comfortable with. Join up details are here: Online meetups | Carers UK
We are also now running a weekly Share and Learn sessions, where we run a series of fun and relaxed online sessions where visiting speakers who share tips and skills on a range of topics - please have a look at the link and see if one grabs your attention. Share and Learn | Carers UK
Do join if you’d like to, we’ve had a lot of new carers join the sessions recently and it’s a great way to meet other carers.
There is also Carers UK’s helpline should you need advice or support - Our Telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email advice@carersuk.org
with kind regards
Ingrid
Hi Hannah, I was away when you initially posted.
You must not sacrifice your life plans for your grandmother.
She needs care independent of you, so you can have a happy life and babies before it’s too late.
No one can be forced to care.