Hi, I’m 22 and I care for my mum, who has fibromyalgia and some other health issues. She works part-time at a school.
My mum and I are really close, but recently things have become quite overwhelming. Earlier this year she had a difficult situation at work which really affected her confidence, and since then she’s been overdoing things at home and pushing herself too far.
At the same time, there’s been pressure from family for her to help care for my grandma, who has alzheimers and has been left on her own, which has added even more stress.
I’ve found it hard to cope with all of this, especially trying to balance caring about her while also not overstepping or taking on too much.
One of the hardest parts for me is that my mum hasn’t told our family or anyone that I’m her carer, so I often feel like I don’t have anyone who really understands what I’m dealing with.
I think I’m just looking to connect with others who might relate, as it can feel quite isolating at times.
Hello and welcome, @Elise_99 you’ve come to the right place - people on this forum listen and hear each other and that’s just precious these days! Saying out loud what it is we’re feeling and what we need isn’t always easy, but it’s important to keep trying
Hi @Elise_99 ,welcome to the fourm. you got your hands full like most carers. I think you need to see the doctor to get you refer to a counillor to have a chat and see what they can do to help. I do think that you and your mum needs to put your cards on the table with the family and tell them the score before someone lets something slip and then that another issue to deal with. With your Gran there is the Alzheimers society and other people who can help here and I would suggest contacting them. You got to try gently to tell your mum to slow and ease down as like most mum over do things which can lead to other health issues, the same thing happen with my mum. Take care and try to enjoy life
I’m seeing a psychologist, but to be honest I’m not sure how helpful it is at the moment.
I think my mum will need to tell them herself, but this is tricky for me because I don’t want to take over her decisions. Sometimes she says I treat her like a child, which really upsets me. I think she’ll share in her own time — it’s been less than a year that I’ve been her carer, so I don’t think she’s fully got her head around it yet.
I’ll look into the Alzheimer’s Society, thank you for the advice.
I would love to hear from anyone else who is in a similar situation as sometimes I don’t know what the right thing is to say to my mum, thank you
Thanks for your reply. My grandma does have carers and Social Services involved, but she mostly refuses to let them do anything except give her medication.
She only allows family to cook for her, which makes things difficult. She’s very skinny and sometimes refuses to eat. I originally arranged three visits a day from carers, but they reduced it since she refused them.
I’ll also look into Alzheimer’s Society for extra advice and support. Thanks again.
Thanks for your message. My grandma does have support in place at the moment, but the main thing I’m struggling with is my mum’s mental health and how to cope with that.
@Elise_99 ….welcome to the forum. I can’t offer any advice other than to say hopefully you will find it helpful having somewhere where you can chat to others and not bottle up all your feelings.
@Elise_99 , I know what your going through, I’ve been through a similar situation many years ago. Until recently I was a carer for 30+yrs. Try having one-to-one talks with her. For now, she’s trying to over compensate to cope with her illness. It’s probably her own coping mechanism. Also, ask you family to chip in with caring duties. It’ll help ease any burdens you’ve got. Also try this forum and the Caers UK hotline for advice. Hope it helps.
Thanks for your response. I’ll try speaking to her. I find it really difficult when she does this because it feels like she’s taking away my role.
I spoke with my psychologist yesterday, and she said there’s nothing more she can do to help me with this at the moment, now that I’ve recently become a carer. She suggested I speak to my GP and let them know I’m a carer, so I can be referred for counselling specific to carers. I wondered if this is something any of you have tried, and if so, was it helpful?
@Elise_99 , there are some good service out there , might be worth checking to see if there is a carers centre in your local area as they do have counselling people understand better than others. good luck
I was a “sandwich carer” looking after my parents, my husband’s parents, and our son with learning difficulties. It was very difficult indeed juggling everyone’s expectations. My own mum stubbornly said she could “manage” when she couldn’t. When I was in hospital having major cancer surgery mum broke her leg. There wer complications and she was in hospital for 5 months. The hospital tried to bully me into caring again, but I refused, on doctor’s orders. Finally, mum accepted that her choice was either home carers or residential care. She chose home carers.
I know you said your nan wouldn’t allow the carers arranged for her to do anything. Do you know why? The more help she accepts the longer she can stay home. Does she even understand that she has dementia? Does nan have everything in her home to make life easier for herself and mum? A good washing machine, tumble dryer, dishwasher, a shower? Is her home organised, or chaotic? (My mum was a hoarder!!)
Hi @Elise_99 welcome to the forum. I’m on a mini break so sorry I haven’t replied before.
I’m part time carer for my Mum who is 99, is severely sight impaired, has chronic neck pain due to disintegration and fusion of the bones in that area, has mild cognitive decline, hearing loss (no I haven’t) and arthritis. She still lives alone and is just about coping.
This time last year things were not good between us. At one point she told me she never wanted to see me again and that I did nothing for her. Thankfully, I went on a course for carers and a sleep better course (both free). What I have learned has transformed our relationship. I too was accused of treating her like a child. I fully understand your wanting to care for your Mum and help her with her mental health, but I have learnt that I’m not responsible for my Mums mental health, and nor are you for your Mums. You can be there when she asks for help, but if she won’t accept it you can’t force her, even if what you’re suggesting is maybe the sensible choice!
Now, I make suggestions of how things could change for my Mum and then leave it. Her reaction to any change is more often than not, no. However, in time, she often comes round to the idea. She loves to be in control. I also leave her to struggle with things. I found it really difficult to step back, but it does work better if she asks me to help when she has struggled and can’t do something.
I’ve also learnt to take time out for myself and to ask for help. I hadn’t even really told my husband or my family how bad things had got with Mum, until things were really bad. Now I have a network of people that I can at least talk to, including this forum. Work have also been very supportive now they know my situation.
I also think that my Mum has come to terms more with her declining health, as have I. Your Mum has a lot to process with her health problems and that of her Mum.
I hope that you find a way to look after yourself and to improve your relationship with your Mum. Good luck.
A lot of people who receive care and support from a family member are in denial re how much support they are needing and don’t see themselves as a carer. Perhaps this is the same with your Mum.
Have you heard of spoon theory? If not, google Spoon theory fibromyalgia, it might be a good way to explain to your Mum about managing her pain and fatigue.
Hi, thank you for that. I really hope you had a nice day and seeing that really cheered me up.
Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for responding because your messages really mean a lot to me and is really making me feel less alone through difficult times
That sounds really difficult to cope with, thank you for sharing your experience.
I’m not entirely sure why she won’t accept carers, and I believe she has most things she needs at home. It’s hard for me to say for certain though, as I haven’t seen her in a while. She actually disowned me a few months ago and won’t let me into the house, so I’m not involved directly.
I think this is why there has been more pressure on my mum to care for her.
Hi, thank you for your message and for sharing your experience — it’s really helpful to hear.
What you said about not being responsible for your mum’s mental health really stood out to me, as I think I’ve been struggling with that a lot recently.
I also relate to finding it difficult to step back, but I can see how it might help in the long run. I had a conversation with my mum today and I’m starting to understand that she needs to feel independent too.
It’s reassuring to hear that things improved for you. I’d also be really interested in the carers course you mentioned — would you mind sharing a bit more about it and how you found it?
