I’m 30-years-old, carer for my 35-year-old husband with really bad mental health, which has been bad for going on five years now. Maybe longer, more like eight? Hard to say. He’s been off sick from work since about October due to his mental health, but it took me basically having a mental breakdown for him to make that decision. It’s difficult because we’re both fine most of the time, but we’re both so close to the wire that the slightest thing can make us tip over the edge into a crying fit or a curled up ball that’s unable to do any of the adult things that need doing that day or week.
For my own work, that’s more complicated. I work sort of in a 3-year graduate scheme in the NHS. I work in an outpatient clinic 4 days a week with one study day a week, learning on the job all the things I need to do while also completing a Masters alongside it and compiling a port folio of activities and reflections. It’s a huge amount of work. I have the uni lectures and assignments all to do while working full time, plus trying to keep on top of my port folio. I was supposed to get 40 of these reflections done in my first year, and the average word count for each of them was around 2,700 words. Add my husband’s chronic fatigue syndrome, my own fatiguing long-COVID symptoms and all the extra responsibility I need to shoulder when my husband can’t do extra things (like housework) that I need him to do, and I’m really struggling to keep up. Clinic work isn’t the issue - and in fact is going really well. I’m already in contact with HR and the Employee Assistance Programme to help with that side, plus with tutors and disability support at uni, plus my line manager, plus the people in charge of my course as a whole, plus anyone else you can think of, really. I’m doing everything I can to keep both our heads above the waves, but there’s only so much I can do, and it’s really getting to me.
Sorry if this is a bit heavy or a bit scattered. I don’t really know what I’m doing other than venting. Thanks for reading
Hi @Jessiel welcome to the forums. It sounds as though you are at the end of your tether with everything you are dealing with at the moment.
Can I ask if either of you have support from local authority Mental Health Services? If not, a referral by GP may be called for; however NHS services do have very long waiting lists, so if you were able to pay for private therapy, that might be a better route, especially if you are already in contact with your EAP, which may be limited as to what they can offer.
Do you have any support from family or friends, anyone you can confide it outside of your marriage? It’s really important to be able to have some time for your own interests. You are not and should not be, responsible for your husband’s mental health on top of what you are already coping with.
Not a huge amount to add here except to say i understand what you mean about being close to the wire and trying to do everything.
It sounds like you are working hard to get all the support in place and your course tutors are aware of the situation
With regards to housework etc - dont beat yourself up if things dont get done. You have a LOT on your plate, and the world wont end if you dont get the washing up or laundry done (but i know it can drag your mental health down if its not done). I dont know what your financial situation is like but i would look at ways to simplify or streamline things - would a meal type service such as hello fresh work for you, or maybe getting a cleaner in for a couple of hours a week to stay on top of things
For me the most important thing is to try and carve a small portion of time for yourself, every day if possible. It can be 10 - 15 minutes to meditate, or read, indulge in a hobby - just something for you. You give so much of yourself while caring for another, i find i need that time to just touch base with myself
Thanks so much for your support. It actually means a lot.
We’ve both been intending to get a cleaner, and in fact we’ve got in contact with a friend who has one. But we’ve not set up the initial meet-up yet, and most of the time these things fall to me, so I just ran out of energy and brain space to keep up. We’ve recently signed up to Gousto as well - recommend it, for anyone interested - so that should help
Relatives is a no. The closest on my side live 2 to 2 and a half hours drive away, and some of them I can’t really even talk to about mental health stuff. On his side, about an hour 45 to 2 hours away, a major health upset has just occurred with one family member which has put lots on the rest of his family and taken at least one person out of action in terms of practical help.
We live in a fairly major city, so it’s just not a done thing to get to know your neighbours. Plus, we’re both fairly socially awkward, so the idea of initiating contact is terrifying.
We do have some close friends around, but he’s much more reluctant to admit weakness to friends than I am, so he doesn’t really want to. Plus, most of our close friends are going through fairly heavy issues of their own, so we don’t want to be another burden.
So yeah, external help is really tricky. But thanks so much for trying. It’s just nice to be able to talk with people who understand the struggle
I often wonder how people coped before the internet. Must have been even worse. Yes, it’s good to talk to others, both online here and when I can get cover (meeting people in real life).
Dear Jessiel
Hi I am Kristie I am an online community host for Carers UK. Welcome to the Forum. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment are you getting any extra outside support? I know it might not feel the same but the Forum has a number of carers from all walks of life who understand what your going through and are happy to support you and share their experience of caring which i have noticed you have had replies on the Forum already.
Just to add Carers UK have a telephone contact number for carers to be able to contact during office hours and also have an email address which you can contact the team on. These are on the Forum for you to have a look at.
I will be in contact soon to see if you are ok and to see how you are doing. I hope you are ok and will be ok as well.
Best Wishes
Kristie.
External help is difficult. I’ll paste the reply I gave to someone earlier:
"Relatives is a no. The closest on my side live 2 to 2 and a half hours drive away, and some of them I can’t really even talk to about mental health stuff. On his side, about an hour 45 to 2 hours away, a major health upset has just occurred with one family member which has put lots on the rest of his family and taken at least one person out of action in terms of practical help.
We live in a fairly major city, so it’s just not a done thing to get to know your neighbours. Plus, we’re both fairly socially awkward, so the idea of initiating contact is terrifying.
We do have some close friends around, but he’s much more reluctant to admit weakness to friends than I am, so he doesn’t really want to. Plus, most of our close friends are going through fairly heavy issues of their own, so we don’t want to be another burden.
So yeah, external help is really tricky. But thanks so much for trying. It’s just nice to be able to talk with people who understand the struggle."
However, I had my first Care for a Cuppa chat today, which was nice. So I’m trying to get external help where I can
