Hi all, I am Kelly, I have been a carer since I was 14. I am new here and would like to connect with others and find support that might be available. I have depression and anxiety and I am currently working through intense cbt therapy which has been really helpful with the anxiety. I am not very social and want to get out more without feeling like I am being weighed down by care work.
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Hi Kelly, welcome to the forum.
I have been supporting various members of my family almost all my life. Mum had my younger brother when I was eight years old, looking back I think she had post natal depression.
Would you like to tell us who you care for, and what you would like to change the most?
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Welcome to the forum from me
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I look after my mum who has COPD, a false fitment in her should (causes her pain and limited movement) and she is a pensioner, I also look after my nephew on weekends to give my sister restbite, he has adhd and dispraxia. He is a handfull lol. I want to get out more and get my mum used to me having time to myself and being a bit more independant for herself. It feels like she relys on me for everything and even the things she can do. It’s exhuasting and need somewhere to relax.
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Welcome to the forum @KellySue I am quite new here too, caring for my husband who has Parkinson’s disease.
You have a lot to deal with. I hope you find the support you are seeking here. I’m finding that people here are very helpful and knowledgeable. Wishing you well.
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Welcome to the forum.
Something MUST change.
I was in a similar situation. I’m now 74, disabled myself. I look back with enormous sadness at the way our family treated us. I think I became a carer after mum gave birth to my younger brother when I was 8 years old. Nothing was ever the same again. She probably had post natal depression, which of course I knew nothing about. I was being a “good daughter” by helping as much as I could. As the years went by mum’s arthritis got worse, but my parents bought a bungalow that needed everything doing to it. 50 years later it still wasn’t finished when I sold it after mum went into care. My son has severe learning difficulties, was very hyperactive as a child. There’s lots more to my story, but please believe I really understand your situation.
You are your mum’s daughter, not slave.
When did mum last have a Needs Assessment from Social Services?
You are sister, not unpaid carer for your nephew because your sister can’t cope.
How old is your nephew?
Your sister needs to arrange help for her own son, not rely on you.
Lots of people don’t understand the difference between depression and feeling utterly, utterly fed up with their situation.
It’s a fine dividing line, but I know I’m never depressed, but at times very fed up with endless battles with Social Services.
When did you last have a proper holiday? Fun with people your own age?
My son was very hyperactive as a child, he was entitled to disability benefits from about 3 years old. Has your nephew had a Needs Assessment from Social Services? It is possible that he can have a budget for respite, so you can be paid for the support you give.
Welcome Kelly
BB has such a huge amount of knowledge and wisdom from her years of experience. Everyone has different knowledge and want to help. Feel free to rant and vent we truly understand. You need to put yourself first now. My mum is 93 and I have been manipulated and emotionally blackmailed all my life. I had no idea it was happening. I was just doing what good daughters do. Then I had a few years of realising it wasn’t a good relationship especially after my dad died 10 years ago. The biggest thing that made me slowly think was when my sons got girlfriends and then wives. Comments like why does your mum not say how lovely you look and others things. I had a total burnt out last June. This is something that I want you to avoid in much later life. You are now on earth to be a people pleaser which I am but that was ingrained at early age and from fear of upsetting anyone and loosing their love. Please make sure that people pleasing it not why you help your sister. Her respite should not be you. Maybe in an emergency situation but not regularly. You deserve your respite. So pleased so have posted
I agree, something must change.
My mum has been ill all my life, from menapause, thyroid, car accident inury that led to slipped discs and now copd copped with old age (70) although it feels like she gave up years ago.
I find there isn’t much info about carers being used and abused. It’s always stuff about the disabled person and their needs. We definetly need a carers exit act or something.
I cannot honestly answer the question about the holiday. Normally if I go anywhere i’m the baby sitter. I think it was about 2018 when i had a weekend away with an ex.
With my sister, she also has another son and we all work together to keep him safe as he has some issues too and is very vulnerable. The thing with my older nephew who is 12 is that I know it’s a genuine problem. She does provide him food, pocket money and does throw in some treats for me. I’m happy to help with genuine needs.
with mum though, i feel used. I know for a fact she is not taking meds that would actually help her but she always takes her other meds without fail. Like an inhaler for her nose drip, it’s a few quid over the counter and helps massively, but does she use it, nope. The meds to remove the rubbish on her chest she refuses to take because it brings too much up, even though that is what it is supposed to do. That I don’t wanna help with, that is her choice and it truely effects my quality of life to listen to the repeated farts, nose horns, coughing fits, heavy breathing and stomping.
with her now taking solitude in her room, it has made me feel like im always being listened too or i can’t escape.
I’m nearly finished with my cbt course for skin picking as my anxiety got so bad i was clawing at my own face. I was going days on end without sleep as she is always up until 3-5am listening to opera, x factor, music, horror, police shows with lots of sirens, bombs and screaming. I’ve taken up meditation but I am worried that I am starting to struggle with it since she decided to bedbound herself for no reason what so ever
Everyone is using you!
You have a right to a normal happy life of your own.
What help and support is mum getting, if any, from Social Services?
Is she claiming any disability benefits?
Can she manage her own money at all?