Feeling down

My name is Carol, I am new to this,but I would like to see if there is anyone can give advice,I am 57 yrs old and gave my job up 2 years ago to care for my mum who has Parkinson’s ,I suffer from anxiety and depression and I am finding it difficult lately .I am losing the will to be active in society,my marriage is suffering and I feel like I don’t want to be here sometimes.I love my mum and will be there for her till the end, but I worry so much what will happen to me when she dies.I over think things constantly and do not sleep at night which is a problem in itself, my mother is as stubborn as they come,but I pitty her as she is stuck in the house day in and day out.her husband passed away 2 yrs ago .she cannot walk propperly and I spend 10 hrs a day with her.I don’t know what will happen when she loses the ability to walk,it’s a constant worry,

Hi Carol
There’s never many of us about this late, we all get exhausted!
I’m sorry to hear you are feeling this way. They are common feelings among carers.
I do have to go to bed myself now but here’s a link to thread of some mood lifters put together by the posters on here over the year’s.

I’m sure more people will be along to say hi and give advice tomorrow


Hi Carol,

Your role as far as mum is concerned needs to change. Stop trying to do everything yourself, and look after yourself and your marriage too. Try to think of yourself as mum’s organiser, not providing all the care yourself, but arranging care for her that is suitable.

First step is to arrange a Needs Assessment from Social Services, and a Carers Assessment for you.
Is she claiming Attendance Allowance?

Why is she stuck indoors all day?

I am also a full tie carer for my mum. She is unable to walk (arthritis in her knees) and needs 2 carers four times a day to hoist her on to a commode, onto her chair, back to bed, etc

I prepare her meals and sort out her meds.

I am given 3 hours a week with a sitter from social services who sit with mum whilst I go out. It isnt a !ot but it helps as does having the carers in.

Get the assessments done and try to find ways to look after yourself. Good luck!

Yes, time to ‘back off’ and also get back to work, at least part time.

Think about it - your mum is in mourning for her late husband. She CANNOT ‘be happy’ again. (I’m widowed myself). So you CANNOT ‘compensate’ for your dad’s absence from her daily life. In that respect she is ‘doomed’ to be unhappy (as in, not that she can’t find ‘little pleasures’ still - I certainly do - but she will be mourning your dad till the day she dies…).

Also, she has a major illness - again, that is an ‘incurable’ cause for unhappiness in her.

And she is nearing the end of her life.

These are three things you CANNOT change for her. I think accepting that SHE will only now ever be unhappy ‘until she dies’ may help ‘take you off the hook’. You CAN’T ‘make her happy’ because her LIFE is ‘unhappy’ because of the above incurable circumstances.

I’m not saying this to be ‘harsh’ or ‘cruel’ to her, but to show you that if YOU spend YOUR life ‘unhappily’ (as you clearly are from your post) all that is happening is that YOU are unhappy ‘as well’! What is the point of that?

I would think it is time for you to sit down with your husband - show him your post! - and try and work out what to do now with your mum, but with the PRIORITY being YOU and finding YOUR happiness. Please don’t let this ‘fester’ any more.

Of course you are sad for your mum - and YOU, too, are mourning your dad - and yes, being an important part of her life still IS important to you both. But her care needs are only going to increase remorselessly until she finally dies (sad, but there it is), and ‘managing’ those needs without them taking an equally increasingly remorseless toll on YOU as well as her, is ‘no answer’.

DO please consider a care home for her. There is such ‘bad press’ about them, as we only read about the ‘bad ones’, but the good ones really are good. My MIL was in two lovely ones, and they are like ‘hotels for the elderly’

With her ‘daily care’ needs taken care of, YOU are then free to visit and ‘keep company’ - if she’s up to it, take her out, bring her to your house sometimes (my MIL had twice weekly ‘sleepovers’ with me while she was mobile enough).

And YOU get your life back (ten hours a day with her is absolutely wrong!)…AND you ‘revive’ your marriage.

Make the change - you will BOTH be glad you did (and hubby will too!). You CANNOT ‘substitute’ for her husband.