My mums been forced into a home and I’m being accused of stealing her medication

Right so we had a care agency in that would continually tell a load of lies including once calling an ambulance as she wasn’t breathing or responding, when the paramedics asked further what had happened it turned out she was struggling swallowing; she also has a dnr but they got the machine from our nearest chemist despite it being in her care plan not to do so. This is in litigation right now as they were just useless.

Now she was forced into a care home about 4 months ago now because she’d developed pressure sores in hospital and at home, obviously this shouldn’t have happened either hence suing the hospital and care agency. Now I was called up about a month ago regarding mums meds from someone in the NHS asking if I gave her medications etc. now my dad also had the same thing happen to him except it was because during her transfer to the care home was so rushed an old box and bottle of pain relief was given along with all other meds. They complained saying the controlled drugs were missing and the liquid too low, she had a weekly script on the liquid as if managed to spill it, drop it etc and did it so many times they thought I was stealing it. Now I’m worried that they’re trying to come after me again for that, I have adhd and lose things, misplace things, forget things and throw things away I don’t realise it’s needed. The same carers also reported me for not giving her her pain killer because she was still in pain, yeah because she wasn’t on a good enough dose and still isn’t, she screams and cry’s when being moved at all.

This all sounds horrendous. Sorry, don’t know what else to say.

Hello, Jamie. This is quite a strongly worded post and clearly much is happening that concerns you. You may not agree with everything am about to say, but please read through to the end and at least consider my points. If I have misunderstood anything, do let me know.

I am not surprised that the carers called an ambulance when your mum wasn’t breathing or responding - anybody would in these circumstances. No carer or medic is going to stand by and watch someone choke to death because of a blocked airway.

What do you mean by a “dnr” and what the “machine” they obtained from the chemist? Is there a “Do Not Resuscitate” instruction on the plan? This instruction applies in cases where the patient is in a coma or on life support machine or whether attempts to resuscitate could cause physical harm. If, for example, an elderly person with weak ribs were to be resuscitated from a heart attack the ribs could be damaged leading to a worse problem than existed before.

You say she was “forced” into a care home. This was probably because the hospital or social services decided that this was the best place for her to be, from both her point of view or yours. Consider yourself and Mum lucky. In this forum, people usually have difficulty in getting carees into care homes, either because the caree does not want to go or because there is difficulty in finding a home with a vacancy.

It is easy for medicines to be lost during transfer to hospital, care home, etc. The care home would obtain from the GP a list of ongoing medication. If they were to find a shortage, they would naturally contact you in the next instance. This would obtain the medication more quickly than requesting a new prescription from the GP and waiting for it to be processed by the chemist. Did they really accuse you of “stealing” medication? Why would you want to steal something of no use to you?

Do you have your medicines organized at home? I recommend having a drawer in a kitchen cupboard or somewhere reserved for storing medicines and NOTHING ELSE. Another idea is the Lions Emergency Pot. This is a small container of information about each person in the family and their long-term medication. It is kept in a fridge or somewhere else easy to find. My caree and I have one each. Helpful if either of us should be rushed to hospital. Even if you don’t have one it is useful to have a full list of medications somewhere. Read about it here.

You seem to think that people are out to get you. You say carers reported you for not giving your mum pain killer. Reported to whom? Now that Mum is in a care home, that will be one less worry on your shoulders.

You mention litigation, suing the hospital and the care agency. How are you getting on with these legal battles. I don’t think many solicitors of integrity would want to handle such things.

Summing up, please do not treat everything that goes wrong as a major battle you must fight. You are harming yourself with anxiety more than you are harming others. People do sometimes make mistakes, even when they are supposedly acting in your and your mum’s best interests, but mistakes can usually be put right.

Thank you for reading this far. I’ll be delighted if you reply, even if you disagree with one or two points I have made. Feel welcome to post to this forum any time. May I suggest, however, that you keep to one problem at a time when you do so. This makes it much easier for us to consider your difficulty.

All of the issues are linked which is why I mentioned them.

  1. she was breathing and sleepy; not unconscious and not breathing. A DNR is a do not resuscitate as she has MS and she’s extremely fragile so any attempt at cpr or resuscitation, the machine was one of those shock things that do it electronically. I don’t know what they’re called to be honest. My issue with this is that they didn’t inform me what was happening at all despite me being sat in the conservatory where they can easily see, shout or tell me what was happening, they didn’t tell me until the ambulance arrived and had no clue what was happening. She was breathing perfectly normal and was a bit drowsy from her medications, this particular carer had some issue with me for some reason and think that played a role in what happened. If they’d have used that machine on her she’d be dead or at the very least a vegetable. The paramedics told me in private that they’d rang 999 because she wasn’t breathing and unconscious but what they meant by that was she was drowsy and had a small issue with swallowing due to the drowsiness. The DNR is right at the beginning of the folder in bold red do not resuscitate, which they attempted to do, and therefore something that was completely negligent on the carers side and put my mum at a real risk of death. The solicitor is perfectly happy with this as the paramedics and doctors called social services to report that as it endangered her and needed to put a safeguarding investigation in. They even called the GP out after the ambulance had been as they wasn’t happy with what they said only to be told the exact same thing as the paramedic.

  2. in regards to medication, the carers were reporting to the GP and social worker that I wasn’t giving it her as she was still in pain when she was moved and it was the same carer that thought she knew better than the paramedics and doctor and seemed to have a vendetta against me for some reason. I have adhd and misplace a lot of things and don’t find them for months on end, the drugs she’s on is oxycondone which is like double the strength of morphine and a controlled drug. Im being questioned as has my dad about how some of the meds weren’t with her belongings, she was also on a weekly script for a bottle of oxycodone as id misplaced or smashed the bottle so many times they then have to put it on a weekly prescription. Then when she moved to the home on the Wednesday she had two days of pain meds left so I was told off by the care home as she didn’t have enough, she did have enough to last until the prescription was issued on the Friday so I got reported for that as well despite it being out of my control.

  3. I’m suing the hospital and care agency over the neglect outlined above and because she gained 2 pressure sores in hospital (as she wasn’t being repositioned correctly either in the hospital or with the carers at home who refused to move her when she was in pain despite being told repeatedly that it needed to be done regardless of if it hurts or not as she’d end up with the sores she has now. In any case nobody should ever get pressure sores as they’re completely avoidable and in my mums case one of the sores had become infected, another indication the carers weren’t doing a good enough job which could be completely avoided, and they’re the only reason she’s in the place to begin with.

  4. suing them is the only recourse for my mum, at the end of the day I believe she should be able to sue and pursue justice when all she’s faced is injustice. Pressure sores are classified by the NHS as never events meaning that the NHS say they’re completely avoidable and should never occur, same classification as leaving a surgical instrument inside a person. If you sue on a never event then you’ll always win, according to the solicitor.

  5. yes mistakes can happen but when the mistakes become a pattern it becomes more that a mistake, in this case it’s either sheer incompetence, utter negligence, idiocy or a combination.

Also I’m not going to be grateful that I’ve been abandoned with my dad who don’t care about me and mum was what kept me going mentally. I hate living without her, when her mental capacity was there the GP and social did something called a respect for which outlines all of my mums wishes were she to progress or become seriously sick.

My mum clearly stated she never wanted to go into a home at all and was on the respect form, and in my personal opinion the district nurses just couldn’t be bothered to keep changing the dressings so they just threw her in a nursing home so they didn’t have to worry about her anymore. She didn’t want it and said as much but ignored it. They also said it would only be for 3 weeks and she’d be home and it’s now been 4 months, Christmas has been absolutely ruined, as was my birthday and I just can’t cope with not having my mum about to stop my dad hurling abuse at me non stop because he sees my adhd as laziness.

Hello again, Jamie. Thanks very much for replying so soon and at such length. Everything is much, much clearer now. We have a detailed case history and I can see that the events are related.

I want to reply - positively - to some of your points in more detail but I have a very busy day ahead so I’ll need to leave this for a day or two. Meanwhile, others may respond now that you have clarified the issues.

Why isn’t dad dealing with mum’s situation, medication etc.?
Are you getting any counselling or support to manage your ADHD?
How old are you?
We are ultimately all responsible for our own happiness.
Home is supposed to be the place where we can relax and chill out, your place sounds full of conflict.
Moving forward, what would you like to happen to improve your situation?
Do you have any educational qualifications?

Hello again, Jamie. Going through your points:

1.
You say that the carer on duty that day had an issue with you.

I can certainly identify with that. Towards the end of my working life I was given a new one-year contract. The person I was supposed to work alongside of took a dislike of me from day one. He was supposed to show and explain the job to me. He would hardly speak to me except when he saw it as essential (usually to criticise me for not doing properly something he had not explained). I could not even get a “good morning” out of him. Yet he engaged well with colleagues. I think he had a grudge because he had been brought back to the firm from retirement to oversee changes he personally did not agree with. Our boss seemed unable to direct him. I could not work with this man, hence I could not deliver what the job required. My contract was cut short after a few months. I was offered the official right to appeal. No way - I was thankful to be out of that hell-hole.

It sounds as though that carer was something similar. I think this type of behaviour is called “silent aggression”. She certainly should have informed you what was happening on that day, and listened to you when you raised the Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) issue. Carers should have good interpersonal skills, and engage well with carers as well as carees.

2.
Controlled medications like morphine and oxycondone are strictly regulated in size and frequency of dose. An overdose can kill. That is why the care home was highly concerned about what was and was not passed over to its staff. If your mum comes back to live with you, then you and your dad will need to deal with this again. As I said previously, keep your medications in one drawer, separate from other things, and make sure you put medications straight back in the draw. Bowlingbun has a strong point - why is your father not dealing with this? He is your mum’s next of kin. Part of his marital vows were to look after his wife in times of sickness.

It also sounds as though this carer that you don’t get on with has been bad-mouthing you at the hospital and care home, causing adverse comments from them.

3. & 4.
I can’t comment on pressure sores because I do not have sufficient medical knowledge. However your solicitor seems confident that you have a case here. It is up to him to argue it out with the doctors.

You have other cases that your solicitor could take up. The carer was clearly negligent in failing to explain things to you and ignoring the DNR statement of which there is written evidence. It also sounds as though she has been misleading the hospital and care home by making disparaging comments about you. This carer needs to be investigated.

5.
You are correct; a mistake can always be pardoned but there has been an ongoing saga of errors here, with one piece of misinformation leading to another.

Your further post.
So Mum did not want to go into a care home, and you did not want this to happen either. Your solicitor will investigate the Respect form and will enquire as to why it was ignored.

I have a few questions.

  • First, I’ll echo a question from Bowlingbun - why wasn’t your dad handling the medication? It is fine if you share this job and cross-check each other. But if he refuses to do this and accuses you of being lazy then he is a one to talk.
  • Does your dad have any disability or long-term medical issue? How old is he? (This can be significant if he is over 60.)
  • Who took the decision to send Mum to the care home?
  • Is this a regular care home, i.e. one that provides accommodation and welfare? Or is it a nursing home, which additionally provides nursing care to near-hospital-level?
  • Who is paying the care home?
  • Was your dad happy about your mum going into the care home?

I recommend that you stand up to your father in the absence of your mother. You will feel better for it. If he makes unfair accusations, keep calm and leave the room if necessary. You can make something of Christmas if you work at it. I expect you will visit your mum a few times. Care homes do put on events to celebrate the festive season.

I send you every wish that you will have your problems resolved. Please keep in touch regarding how the legal proceedings and other matters progress.

When I worked in a small hospital in Outback Western Australia, all medication was stored in a locked pharmacy, next to my office. Controlled drugs were kept in a locked cupboard within the pharmacy. Everyone handling it had to sign a form of register and the amounts in stock, withdrawn, and remaining were checked very regularly. Can I ask if anyone gave you any advice about where the drugs were to be stored, managed and accounted for? If there is a shortfall, and no clear record, and the carer had access to it, could she have taken it herself and blamed you?!
I hope there is someone else on the forum who knows what the standard procedures are in the UK?

There is a lot of information on the internet about controlled drugs. CQC regulations, NICE guidelines etc.
Were the care agency applying these rules to themselves. Supporting you to ensure rules (that they should have been aware of) were being followed properly by everyone involved. Did they tell you what you needed to do?

Yeah the carer was horrible, I made several complaints against her to the social worker but nothing was ever done about it. As for the medications my dad did her morning and night tablets and I gave her the painkiller during the day just before the caregiver came. She definitely had issues with me, especially when I told her how my mum likes things done and would say something if they were doing wrong.