I need a space where other people might understand.
My husband suffers from some fairly serioys mental health issues, and uses alcohol to self medicate. He had been doing really well and hadn’t had anything to drink for about eight months, but then his antidepressants stopped working, and he turned to alcohol because it was his normal coping mechanism , and then to bridge the gap as his medication were changed.
It got really bad, he kept telling me he thought we’d be better off without him, and I wasn’t sure if he meant he wanted to kill himself or just leave. I had to stay calm and calm him down and make sure that the kids didn’t see just how bad he was. I couldn’t get angry about the drinking because that didn’t help and every time he had another episode where I caught him, he’d ask me if I wanted it to be over or if we should cancel the family holiday or the dinner we had planned. Everything was always on me.
After a particularly nasty incident where he was drinking again, he did reach out for help. He’s been to a dependency service. He’s arranged counselling. His medication has been changed and he’s now doing really well. In fact he seems to be almost to his self. However, I might be broken.
Today, I had a flashback, the first one I’ve ever had. I was driving along and remembered a text that he’d sent me, but it wasn’t as if it was a memory it was as if I was reading it again for the first time really shook me and made me cry, even though I was just driving along in the car.
There was no reason for it to pop into my head that was from three months ago, it’s long gone. I don’t understand why he’s getting better and I feel worse.
I’m kind of hoping you lovely people will let me know that I’m not actually losing my mind, maybe send me a few words of encouragement that there’s light at the end of this particular tunnel. Because I am tired.