Life has turned upside down

New to Carers Connect
1

Hi everyone,

I’ve just found this forum online, and honestly 3 months ago I didn’t think I would ever need such a forum.

My lovely husband, to whom I have been married to for 2 years and been with for 4.5, is the nicest, kindest guy in the world. Seriously I lucked out when I met him, we’ve been each others worlds since the day we met. I have two kids and he is amazing with them, they even recently legally took his name.

He has had a few challenges in the past, abusive relationship with his ex wife (her to him) which resulted in a challenging relationship with his own children. A stressful but good career that up until last year meant commuting for 4hrs a day.
Some social anxieties on occasion, but not detrimental and then we came to 2021.
He started becoming anxious about his looks, ted worrying about his health, again it wasn’t significant or detrimental, we still were getting on with life, planning holidays, DIY, going out, seeing friends, workign etc.
And then at the beginning of Oct he got covid and was really ill with it for 2 weeks, after that things started to go downhill rapidly, he was unable to work, had brain fog and was struggling with exhaustion levels. He saw the GP (with me) and told the GP he was struggling with intrusive thoughts, and panic attacks, the GP prescribed a range of meds, then progrssively over the next 3 weeks he deteriorated, could’t get out of bed, was struggling to engage with the family, we saw the crisis team who diagnosed acute anxiety and gave him some management activities.
He was referred to a psychiatrist and I got him some private CBT.
He started with CBT had one session then within two days unexpectedly left the home at 5am in the morning, took a knife and sliced his wrists.
He gave himself up ad was taken to an assessment centre then put under a section 2.
He has refused most of my visits, has goe from telling me everything and me being his world to sending sometimes agressive messages, and telling me horrific things that he thinks he has done (usually these are things he has read or seen on the news).
The Drs say they are struggling to diagnose him as he does not have a presentation conducive to any disorder.
They think he is mimicing others disorders on the ward.

He has been extremely withdrawn and won’t talk to staff or leave his room. I saw him for the first time in three weeks this week, and he was just a different person, he’d lost about 2 stone in weight, looked extremely unkempt and was really confused. He kept calling me his ex wife’s and old friends names, and saying how confused he was.
Yesterday he was moved to a section 3.

I’m so scared that I will never get my husband back, I don’t care about whether he comes back to his job, or if our lifestyle has to change, I just want him back. I just can’t understand how from how he is right now that will ever happen.
I feel like I have a continual knot in my stomach, the children are really upset, my youngest is continually tearful and our teenager who is usually happy and bubbly is subdued and clingy.
Even the dog isn’t herself!
His family have also tried to support him, but they are very different to me (and him) and are adding to the pressure.

I feel devestated, and holding everything together is really hard, I have a FT high pressure job, where people rely on me, a house to run, and the children to look after and all I want to do is crawl into bed and hide, an Christmas I can’t even think about!

Sorry for such a long post

2

How awful. Is there anyone at his work you can talk to, was there something other than Covid that triggered all this?
I don’t know what to suggest at the moment, until he starts to open up to someone.

Ultimately I believe we are all responsible for our own happiness - I’ve had some awful problems - but you can’t “make” anyone better. It’s a real shame that his family are making things worse, not better. I wonder if the hospital can limit their contact in any way?

It must be especially hard when everywhere at the moment is talking about having a “Happy Christmas”.
(I was widowed at 54, I’ve been going through the motions for 15 years, but secretly it’s my unhappiest time of the year!)
Until he’s ready to open up, concentrate on keeping things on as even a keel as possible at home.
The hardest thing of all is looking after yourself as a carer. Maybe you and your kids could go for some walks somewhere interesting during the school holidays, walking sometimes helps relieve stress.
Could you reduce your hours at work for a while. Could your family manage on just your income for a while?

3

Hi Tanja,

what a dreadful situation you are all in. I think you should go and see the GP, tell him about the knot in your stomach etc and how overwhelmed you are and take some sick leave yourself.

It sounds like the anxiety has been slowly building for your husband and catching Covid and feeling so poorly was the final straw. Sorry his family are making matters worse.

I suggest that you push for him to be screened for autism (high functioning/ Aspergers), as this may account for the social anxiety, the mimicking and the reason the doctors don’t think he presents as having a known disorder. People on the spectrum often present diifferently and often need lower doses of meds than those who aren’t.

The Mind website https://www.mind.org.uk has lots of information about mental health and how to support someone with mental health difficulties.

Melly1

4

Thanks for your reply.
No obv trigger, we both WFH and are in the same office all day. The speed at which he deteriorated has shocked me. I feel like I should have noticed something way before it happened.
His career was going well, he’d just been offered a promotion, he was worried about having to return to London, but it wasn’t actually something that was looming, we’d agreed that if that was the case he would change jobs.

Luckily financially we both earn around the same, and whilst it will be a little tight, with saving finances are ok.
I don’t want to step back from work, firstly replacing me would be a pain (i’m a CEO) and secondly I need to be busy otherwise i’m just walking around the house dwelling and crying which is not a good look!!

5

Thanks for your reply, the autism assessment is a good call, I have suspected that he maybe in the past.
Will they screen inpatients?

6

Hi Tania
My heart goes out to you.
Forgive me if this has already happened. Has your husband been tested for urinary tract infections? These can lead to delirium, as happened with my late husband.

7

HI Tanja,

It depends on the expertise of the team and if any of the clinicians are experienced/interested in autism. You might find this information helpful Pre-diagnosis

Melly1

8

Thank you

9

Apparently the hospital have done physical checks particularly because he had covid not long ago

10

I got my hopes up earlier as the hospital called and said he wanted a visit, got there and he refused because he doesn’t believe I am real.