How many other children do your parents have?
Would it help you to think that if there were two of you, you should both do half the caring, or if three, a third?
It is NOT YOU letting your parents down, but them!
If they don’t want to do their share, they should not expect you to do it instead, but pay for someone to do “their share”
Chance would be a fine thing. Like I said - because I am the youngest and probably closest to Mum, they seem to think it’s my responsibility.
The oldest sister is a complete waste of space. Her kids are grown adults now so she has no need for us. We were just her free babysitters back in the day. The cow didn’t even ask Mum how she was when we were at my uncles funeral a few months ago. She lives 5 minutes away but has no interest in helping out. Mum knows what she is like, so if sister has any marriage issues and comes running to us for help, Mum just tells her to do one.
One of my brothers does bring food for Mum once a week or so but that’s it. He regularly tells me how ridiculous I am for being almost 40 and single. Well try looking after 3 people and living a life, it’s not that easy! You can’t reason with him, he is always right so I tend not to bother with him.
I know for a fact both of them will come running when Mum passes. I keep telling Mum to donate everything to charity but she won’t.
I’m absolutely shattered today. It’s been a long day and the pigs have been making so much noise. I’ve decided to go for a long walk tomorrow. My brother (the ill one) will be at home with Mum so he can keep her company. I may just go sit in a park and have a can of pop. I bloody deserve it.
You are not being fair to yourself, are you? The behaviour of your siblings is awful, you are doing your bit, and everyone else’s too!!! Start by deciding when you are going to have some “me” time, when you will not be available to help mum.
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What is the work situation now? Is there any sign of the office opening again? You will not be able to give your best at work while you are living with the distractions of noisy neighbours and attention-seeking relatives. This is one more reason why you need your own place, which you can use as your “work office” as well as a refuge.
Thanks both for your replies.
I am expected to go to work one day every fortnight from next week so I am really looking forward to that. It will be nice to get out of the house and to be able to speak to colleagues. One of my colleagues also has horrendous neighbours so it’s nice to just chat about it. His Mum is 90+ but lives on her own and he too talks of the guilt he feels for not living nearer her and helping her. He is in Yorkshire and Mum is in Oxfordshire.
I did go out for a bit of me time today which was nice. It was nice to just sit on my own and have a can of pop. The feeling of guilt was bubbling within me. How do you guys get rid of that guilt? I wish there was a pill I could pop to just forget all my worries even if it was just for an hour or three.
I can’t be asked cooking so bought some bits and pieces from Lidl and that’s what we will have today.
One of our lovely forum members said once that the guilt should change to sad. Nothing to feel guilty about but sad that the situations are as they have happened. Kick the guilt monster from your shoulder. Not easy but it helped me alot.
The word “guilt” is cropping up a lot. Maybe I can recommend a book: “When I Say ‘No’ I Feel Guilty”, by Dr Manuel J Smith. You can read more about this book, and other books that could be useful to you, here:
https://www.carersuk.org/forum/support-and-advice/tips-and-practical-advice/useful-books-etc-34377
You could ask if you could go into the office more frequently than once a fortnight. Explain that you work much better in the office environment. There may however be a limit on numbers at the office because of the coronavirus, but you have nothing to lose if you ask. It is important that you give your best at work. If you were to lose the job your problems would be compounded.
Thanks PET and DENIS. Will look more into that book. The libraries have started opening up again so will see if they have one handy.
Work won’t let me go in more than that. I only work part time and it’s done on a rota basis. But yeah, I know what you mean about putting in my best effort. If I were to get chopped, I would struggle to find a job elsewhere especially when hundreds of people apply for one or two jobs. We’ve been told our jobs are safe even if the local authority makes cuts because we are a statutory service. Fingers crossed. My old manager has come back to the team and I am happy about that as I could be open and honest to her in my 1 2 1’s and she actually listened to me which was good. The new manager was “oh it will be fine” constantly.
Just watched Celebrity Masterchef with Mum and brother. It cheered them both up a bit which is always good.
Thanks for listening.
If mum can manage when you go to work, then she can manage when you go out for your own life too.
I’m glad that you do occasionally have some “quality time” with Mum and brother.
Your brother has a cheek, but at least he helps in a small way. You are right - don’t try to reason with him, or he may stop helping even that much.
I’d like to give you my stand on wills. Occasionally, brokers or others trying to sell me life assurance or other investments have asked me (rather nosily in my opinion) what I might expect to receive in the way of inheritance. My response is that I don’t want to go along that line of speculation. My outlook has always been to stand on my feet and earn my way through life. I can survive, if necessary, without benefiting from inheritance. Of course any inheritance I might receive would be of some comfort, but I would regard it as a bonus. Also, I have my own will to consider. I like to think that, just as I may benefit from inheritance, so others may benefit from me when I am no longer around.
Your suggestion that you Mum donate everything to charity suggests that you are of a similar mind; you want to be self-supporting and not rely on others. And indeed you are very supportive of others - to the point where you do not take sufficient care of yourself.
When you ask your Mum to leave everything to charity, you may be speaking with generous intentions, but as with other things, Mum may not see it the way you do. She could interpret this as you trying to be spiteful to your siblings. She could see it as you trying to absolve yourself or your presumed duty to care for her.
If you choose to give all your inheritance to charity, then that is your decision. May I suggest that it is Mum’s decision how she sets out her will, and it is better that you do not dwell on this? In any case, her will has no bearing on the problems that you face at the moment. Concentrate on sorting out these problems and do not waste effort thinking about what you or others may receive in the future, and over which you have no control.
I would suggest that as your siblings don’t care about mum, she should leave every single penny to you. My mum got fed up with my brothers excuses as to why they couldn’t visit, and changed her will. Instead of equal shares between the three of us, I got half, and the brothers a quarter each. My eldest brother had borrowed a lot of money from mum and not repaid it when his insurance policy matured, as agreed. The will said the amount he borrowed had to be removed from the amount he received. He got nothing!
Don’t shoot yourself in the foot, you have given up so much to care for mum, and you should accept any gifts, graciously, that she chooses to give you. One day your caring days will be over, and you need to be in the best position possible.
Does mum own her house? If so, she should consider giving you part of the house NOW to ensure you can live there as long as you want. Again, don’t shoot yourself in the foot!!!
It is likely that it is now Mum’s house, but there is some lack of clarity here. You said you never had it changed. What do you mean by this? Did Dad leave a will?
When a relative of mine went into care, the house was put up for sale. A buyer made a firm offer, but then it was discovered that there were no details of Land Registry available. Solicitors searched but the house had to be registered again. This caused substantial delay in completing the sale and we risked losing the buyer.
It may be worth your making a few enquiries about the current tenure of the house. Even if you do not wish to live there yourself (and it sounds as though you don’t because of the dreadful neighbours) a possible delay in the sale of the house, when the time comes, would not be in the interest of any of the family.
Hi Denis and BowlingBun,
You are completely right, it’s Mum’s choice what she does with the will. It’s her money and her house. It will most likely get shared equally between us all. I’m not bothered for the money whatsoever. I don’t expect a penny in return for the caring I have done. If that was the case, the poorly brother and I should get most of it as we used to care for Dad for the 3 years before he passed. Brother was fine until about 10 years ago (after Dad died) when his urine retention problem started and his deep depression came along.
The house is now in Mum’s name.
And Denis, you are right, I have no intention of staying here once the inevitable happens. Also, you are correct in that I want to stand on my own 2 feet. I don’t want anything off anyone unlike my oldest brother (the one who sometimes brings food over) who often reminds Mum about the will. He spends money like it is going out of fashion and expects a large chunk from the will!
The gits were out most of yesterday so it was quite pleasant but they returned at 2am and about 2 hours of door slamming ensued. Mum is shattered, so am I. But I must cook now.
Thanks for listening to me vent again and thanks both for your advice.
I am glad, OnTheEdge, that the ownership of the house is now clear, and that you now sound much more confident about how you stand now and the future.
And I would like to endorse Bowlingbun’s point about “shooting yourself in the foot”. In other words, don’t suggest to Mum she leaves it all to charity. Accept whatever comes your way with thanks and good grace. I am sure your Mum will also consider your poorly brother.
Do keep in touch; you still have plenty to deal with.
Thanks Denis for your kind words.
I’ve had a few really rotten days and feel bloody awful now! Do you guys ever think it’s all going along swimmingly and then something goes wrong and you end up wishing you were dead?
The poorly brother who I care for is having “his” time of the month - he sits in the corner, won’t talk, won’t eat, pulls at his face etc and it gets the whole house down. Mum is worried about him and I am worried about both. I don’t know what it is that makes him like this but it really bothers me. I’ve told him to contact his GP and speak to them as they might give him a counsellor but no.
I ended up having a ding dong with Mum and now regret what I said but it’s too hard trying to live my life, contend with all the noise from the ******* next door and then have to try and live mum / brother / sister’s life as well. I am emotionally weak and can’t support them in that way.
If they at least agreed to move to a bungalow or a detached house, I would be less all over the place as we hopefully wouldn’t have evil noisy neighbours! I put a bid on a Council property but they ended up 150th in the queue because Mum is a home owner.
Sorry for my massive rant. I know I am stuck in limbo at the moment but I just had to get that off my chest.
There’s no need to apologise, OnTheVerge; it’s good to hear from you again.
You said earlier that your brother was manic depressive, as if his physical problems were not bad enough. I’m afraid this is the nature of this condition; the person alternates between periods of high elation to profound depression. It is not much use to try to reason with him when he is in the depressed phase. Leave suggestions to visit the GP until he is out of this phase, or get in touch with the GP yourself. Just do what you can to try to make him happy.
I am sorry to hear of your ding-dong with Mum, and of course you regret it. There is no point in my asking you what the row was about, and no point in you telling me. I can just say that these storms are inevitable when you are living under these conditions, with rowdy neighbours making the situation worse.
I note you have enquired to the Council about alternative accommodation but got nowhere. This is, I’m afraid, the way councils work; you need to have a good-enough case which “ticks plenty of boxes”. At least you have tried, and assessed the property situation.
Have you thought any more about getting a small flat for yourself? This would be a step towards improving the situation for everyone.
Others have already given you excellent advice, so I’ll keep this brief and practical: I think you need to reclaim your life while you still can. This doesn’t mean abandoning your mother, but it does mean coming up with a plan to find some time for yourself when you can totally switch off.
First of all, forget about asking your siblings for help; they are clearly never going to be supportive. So just ignore them as much as you can, and work on your plan.
You are in a good position right now to get a home-help in to visit your mother, as you still have a job and can probably get tax-breaks to cover the cost if your mother can’t afford help (or is unwilling to pay). Also it’s a good idea to reach out to neighbourhood volunteer groups who visit the elderly, if you can trust them. And invest in a spy cam with sound just in case the helper(s) are not to be trusted (you’ll have to display it prominently and put a sign on the door to say there is “CCTV” in the house, for legal reasons).
Please don’t let life pass you by. If you continue like this, you will experience burn-out and be no good to anybody, including your mother. And who will look after you if this happens? This situation will only get worse, as your mother becomes more dependent and you grow old and begin to suffer ill-health.
I know it’s easier said than done to deal with a situation such as yours; I am speaking from experience. I care for my mother who is not physically dependent (on the contrary, she is active and has plenty of friends) but, like your mum, is very emotionally needy since my father passed away. And, like you, I have two siblings who don’t care and were very cruel to my mother when my dad died. Fortunately, they don’t live with us, and my mother doesn’t want to live near them (I only found this out after I spend weeks setting up appointments with estate agents so she could downsize to a flat near one of my sisters; then she said she wanted to stay where we are because she didn’t want my sister and niece popping into her every day…).
Unlike you, I lost my career because of this situation; despite being mentally sharp, my mother needs me by her side for every appointment, whether it’s the doctor, the plumber or the bank clerk; she needs me to fix her TV and washing machine every time she accidentally presses the wrong button; Dad did everything for her, made all the decisions, and now she expects me to fill that role. Also, I have had to deal with a massive deluge of trouble brewed up by my sisters and one niece since Dad died, including a smear campaign (I had to get the police and a solicitor involved to stop it, and it didn’t really stop but at least the public, online abuse stopped after a few official warnings).
My mother tells me I am the only person in the family she trusts, and begs me to stay with her to protect her…but at the same time she is in constant contact with my sisters. They took their inheritance from my father’s Estate, but I gave it to my mother as she was so upset at the way they demanded it as soon as Dad died. And yet they called me a freeloader for living at home (I was living in my own rented flat at the time, and would rather be there now). The loss of my career has meant my savings have dwindled; I could budget better if I still lived by myself, but my mother expects lunch out, takeaways, shopping sprees (she spends a lot and expects me to spend too).
I am trying to revive my career, as a self-employed businesswoman working from home, and I even managed to secure a small State grant to help launch my online business. But it’s very, very difficult when I don’t have a spare moment to myself. The coronavirus situation has only made it more difficult as we are in a sort of semi-lockdown here and, as the co-habitant of an elderly person, I have to “shield” too. I reluctantly turned down an offer of a place in further education because it would mean going into a classroom. Last year I dropped out of a course I was doing to improve my career prospects because I couldn’t attend, due to my mother’s many dramas (there is always some emergency, whether it’s a trip to the dentist or a hole in the roof). So I will have to juggle the new business, working in my “free time” (early in the morning and late at night, when she’s asleep). I’m in survival mode right now, focussing on building up my savings again, so I won’t feel so vulnerable.
If my mother would only choose between me and my sisters, I could leave happily, but we are stuck in this stalemate: me, at home, as a kind of guard dog (one of my sisters actually called me that), while they go merrily about their lives, waiting for me or my mother to get sick or die. I was advised by a very wise family friend to “Save yourself” but I can’t, in conscience, abandon my mother to those harpies.
Sorry for venting like this in your thread, but I just thought I’d let you see how well I understand what you are going through. And there are many of us in similar situations, so please don’t feel alone.
Most importantly, please take control of your life while you still can.
Hi all,
Happy holidays and hope you are all well.
I’ve been meaning to post for quite some time but never got round to it. I’m still absolutely exhausted. I’m trying to get through each day and not look too far into the future as it only upsets me. Even getting from one day to the next is a chore at the moment!
COVID’s been really bad where we live. One whole family has been wiped out which is actually quite frightening!
Mum’s lost loads of weight and all her teeth have fallen out so it’s quite hard getting her to eat. Her cataract in her right eye has completely blinded her vision but she won’t have it operated on - the last one was too painful! Brother has had surgery again which was not successful. He looks so skeletal, I don’t know why, he eats and drinks but looks so gaunt. I’ve tried bringing fattening food but it doesn’t seem to work.
Work has really picked up and it is also quite stressful. My line manager has changed and I don’t have the rapport I had with the previous one so don’t really feel I can open up to her which is a shame. The carer’s network at work is just a bloody joke. No support, no online groups, no phone calls, nothing!
I’ve had 2 UTI’s and both times I thought I was going to drop dead. Pain doesn’t really bother me but I swear down, I thought it was going to be lights out. The worst thing was part of me was happy, I can’t carry on like this so dropping dead may have been a great escape. Sorry to sound droll but that’s how I feel.
The older sibling still comes over now and then and tells me how stupid I am, not married, fat, still at home, blah blah blah. He seems to think living at home is a walk in park. Try cooking, cleaning, running around after 3 people whilst working. It is NOT easy. I wish Mum would just tell him to do one and not come over again.
The ******* next door are still complete ********! They constantly slam doors and it scares the hell out of me. They are in their late 60’s / early 70’s so you would have thought they would have calmed down by now but no, they seem to get worse as they get older. Council won’t do anything because power slamming doors all day and night is normal household noise!
Sorry, I just had to get all of that out. I’m just feeling really rubbish at the moment. Hope you are all keeping well and thanks for letting me rant again.