Hello again, OnTheVerge. Nice of you to return for Christmas. I can understand your difficulty in finding the time.
I commented a few months ago that your brother had a cheek but it seems he did do a few useful things, e.g. bringing food. Thinking further on this, I think that indirectly your brother may be making a valid point in his cheeky way.
Let us be objective for a moment. You do not seem to be further forward than where you were when you first posted in February. I agree with your brother on the “still at home” bit. You said that financially you were not too badly off. I suggested you look for your own accommodation at a strategic distance from Mum, because you needed a refuge.
Have you come across any difficulties in doing this? It would benefit your sanity and be a small step towards a more independent life. Ultimately you could find a partner to marry, if this is what you want. You need to take this step to get things moving.
I don’t think Mum should tell him to stop coming, though it would help if she were to ask him to do more and take some of the burden off you. If he were to stay away there would be even more pressure on you.
. . .The ******* next door are still complete ********! They constantly slam doors and it scares the hell out of me. They are in their late 60’s / early 70’s so you would have thought they would have calmed down by now but no, > they seem to get worse as they get older> . . .
(my emboldening) Maybe they are a bit deaf and don’t realise how much noise they are making.
A New Year dawns, and together with others on this Forum I send you my best wishes. Why not make a resolution now? Make this the year in which you make a break and start your progress towards a decent life? Get that home of your own. This is the first vital step. More will need to follow and don’t expect things to change overnight; they won’t. But you must make that important next step.
Oh the search is always on to find somewhere for me to move to but most of the properties available are not in good condition and they are asking for top dollar. Rightmove, Zoopla, Onthemarket are website I often look at.
I have been on the lookout for mainly detached properties though and the value of those is beyond my financial capacity. I will carry on looking though. I have also looked at flats close to home, possibly to rent but the fact they have neighbours on all sides frightens me a bit. I don’t think I could live in another property with noisy neighbours. That would be the end of me.
My brother won’t take any responsibility at all. He often comes over to have a go at me and sometimes even Mum.
Thanks for your advice as always. Much appreciated.
I would love to live in a detached property too - but I think you need to be realistic. Are you looking to buy or rent?
If you are looking to buy then you need to view your first property as a stepping stone to something else.
If you look to rent, then bear in mind that unlike living at home, if the neighbours drive you mad, at the end of the lease, you can up and move. Look for somewhere with a short contract.
Not all neighbours are noisy. If you rent a flat go for the top floor, though. If you have a flat with people above you - I think that would drive you mad.
You have put a HUGE obstacle in your way. Lower your sights, and rent. It doesn’t matter too much if it’s a one bed place, just somewhere you can finally escape to and live in peace. Everyone wants to live in a lovely detached house, but very few achieve that goal on leaving their parents house straightaway.
Our first house together we could JUST afford, my husband’s employer said his income including overtime was his basic pay for us to achieve our goal of ownership. The only thing we had new was the bed, and the cooker my husband’s parents gave us as a wedding present. We couldn’t afford curtains for the whole place, just had nets in some rooms.
We bought the house where I live now in 1976. It was “unfit for human habitation” the roof had leaked for years, unoccupied for years, no power at all upstairs, the entire plumbing system was one cold tap, the toilet was an outhouse, a wooden board, with a bucket underneath, and I was pregnant. We took the steep stairs out, and for a while I went up and down “stairs” on a ladder, while pregnant!! However, there was room in the back garden for the family 10 ton steam roller! It now has every mod con, three toilets, two bathrooms…and the steam engines live in their own house at the bottom of the garden.
You are in an ideal position to buy something that needs work, it’s a good way of increasing value.
OnTheVerge - I agree with the previous two posts. You are worrying too much. You are so worried about possible problems in a possible future home that you are ignoring the hell you are living in at the moment.
The present situation is that you suffer from noisy neighbours, a demanding mother and a brother whom you clearly do not get on with. You need to escape to a position where you can stand back and take control of the family problems, towards which I realise you do feel responsible.
The Internet is a great thing but it is not the solution to everything. Maybe you should take walkabouts in areas where you could fancy living. Look out for “For sale” or “To let” boards. Visit estate agents’ and letting agents’ offices. These people can be quite helpful. I remember when I was looking for my first house, the agent I visited had nothing in my price range in his area, but kindly referred me to agents in less-expensive areas.
If you decide to rent, go for a short, renewable lease.
Whatever you do, don’t stay living where you are. The sheer hell is going to ruin you.
I agree with what you all said but I’m not going to jump from the frying pan into the fire. If where I rent or buy has problem neighbours, I’ll be taking 5 steps back.
Ideally, in a fantasy world, I would live in a detached house and not have to care for anyone but this world is not ideal. I know so. Sorry if I sounded like I was in cuckoo land when I last posted.
If I did buy, I wouldn’t want something too dilapidated, I don’t have the funds to do a house or flat up hence wanting something I could more or less move into.
If Mum agreed to move, we could sell up and look for a bungalow somewhere. I just don’t have the funds to do this myself.
If it wasn’t for these ******* neighbours, my life would be okay. Don’t get me wrong, cooking / cleaning / supporting three other people is not ideal but that’s doable. What I can’t do is constant door slamming all day and night. I have no time to rest or energise as I’m constantly waiting for the next bang or wallop.
Hope you are all keeping well. I’m still looking around for places - both online, when I am out and about and via friends who will let me know if anything comes up near them.
I live in terraced housing, very thin walls and noisy neighbours one side. I own my house, the noisy neighbours are housing association. They ‘do my head in’ so you have my sympathy.
One day I will move, however I’d need to declutter first and will probably wait until S has left home as I don’t think I could manage moving house and caring for him; plus managing his anxiety too.
You talk about going from the frying pan into the fire, but surely anything would be better without the rest of the family constant making demands on you? Where you could be in control of your own life, not constantly doing what others wanted you to do?
I honestly think you are being incredibly negative about home, but even more negative about moving out. Why not do a list of advantages on one side, disadvantages on the other. You haven’t commented, unless I’ve missed something, about my suggestion of buying somewhere to do up, make some money, and then climb the property ladder.
Not all neighbours are as noisy as the ones you have. But realistically if you did get a flat there could be a little noise from anyone.
If you did decide to look for a flat, I would personally visit it at times when others were likely to be home, evenings and weekends to give you some idea if neighbours would be a problem.
My son has just transitioned into a supported housing flat and we don’t hear anyone, and rarely see anyone else either. My sons flat is very quiet. There are people upstairs but I have never heard them either!
My issue is that because there has been some much noise in this house, the slightest noise sets me into a panic. I know this is something I need to work on but I couldn’t live next to people who slam doors ever again. They are at it now! How their house hasn’t fallen down is beyond me.
Bowlingbun - I’m burnt out so I don’t think I would have the time or energy to do a flat or house up.
Also if I moved out, I would still have to cook and clean for Mum and 2 siblings (one is physically unwell and I think the other has some type of autism). Mum would just sit in a dark room on her own and not take her medication. She can’t cook either and the arthritis in her wrists is really bad.
Sometimes I wish I was born like my other siblings. The ones who have moved out don’t give a shit and it all seems to fall on me! Bet they’ll all come running when the will is drawn up.
Sorry for just ranting again. I am looking at all the options available to us but it’s hard work.
I managed to get some more promethazine hydrochloride from the GP which numbs me into sleep at about 4am each morning otherwise I would just be wide awake 24 7.
The only way you are going to get life of your own is to stop thinking you have to do things for the rest of them. You don’t. Having a place of your own would give you some control about what you do and when. There are many places that need modernising but are perfectly habitable as they are. Renting a one bed flat would give you time off in your own space. The very fact you need medication shows you need to get out for the same of your own well being. Stop being a door mat and put yourself first for once!
Forget the fantasy world. Look for something achievable and work upwards from there.
Of course Mum won’t agree to move. She is doing OK where she is, with you running yourself ragged looking after her. I am not suggesting that you cut yourself off from her and your siblings but make yourself less available. See what they can do for themselves with less help.
It is bad that the problem has come to the stage where your doctor must prescribe medication to calm your nerves, but he can do no more. You need to take action yourself and take control of the things that you can.
I am glad that you are looking at many options re finding a home of your own, and that you are getting help. Really, OnTheVerge, I would love to see you rise above your problems.
Hurrah! A property has come up 3 streets away from us. It’s 2 bedroomed so not ideal if the others did want to move but I have a viewing lined up for Thursday, not sure if it will get cancelled with the new lockdown.
I won’t jump up and down just yet as it might sell before I get my chance to view it but keep your fingers crossed for me please.
I’m not just sat on my laurels whingeing and ranting on here. I would sell a leg to afford to move out from this shit hole. My only problem is Mum. She has become so frail all of a sudden. I know it’s not my fault and I shouldn’t feel guilty but I do, I can’t help it. The others just take her for granted and still expect her to do bits and pieces at home, like trying to cook etc.
I don’t know why she won’t part from this house. A new home would mean a new start, HUMAN neighours, new everything. None of you have a magic wand do you or a magic spell I can put on her? LOL. Sorry!
Thanks for your advice again BB and Denis. I appreciate it.
If you can afford it, then nip round and see it tomorrow, and do the deal asap. Surely you are meant to have it given the current situation. Lots of people are going to be stuck in a property chain due to the latest news.
Depending on the circumstances of the sellers, they might even take a lower price to get shot of it before Lockdown takes effect!
Don’t worry if it needs redecoration, if the toilet flushes, the heating works, and the roof doesn’t leak, that’s a really good start.
Good luck, I’ve got my fingers firmly crossed for you.
I will do. The EA has the key though so can’t until they let me.
It’s near where my Uncle lived. The house was owned by an elderly man who must have moved out as the property is empty as per the photos.
I will call again tomorrow to see if I can get a viewing sooner. It’s end terrace and the way the houses are built, I won’t have anyone slamming doors which I will have on the party wall.
The EA can surely be persuaded to let you see it tomorrow? We bought our first house within 24 hours of seeing it! Our second house where I live was an executors sale, at auction.
Good news, OnTheVerge. Sounds like there is no onward chain. You don’t have one to sell so the estate agent should be pleased to have a quick sale. The will be some time between deciding you want it and moving in. Mortgage offer, surveys, that sort of thing. It is a good step forward. Go for it. Keep in touch. But keep an eye on other properties, in case anything goes wrong with this one.
I’m sure that just the knowledge that you will definitely be moving out in a month or two will make those months less difficult.
I know it’s going to be very very difficult, but DON’T say a word to the family until everything is signed and sealed, and there is no going back.
Anticipate “elderly toddler” behaviour, sudden illnesses invented, existing illness exaggerated. This is to be expected, but if you don’t say anything until it’s all sorted, they can’t change your mind.
I phoned and emailed today. No can do until Thursday morning but even that may get cancelled.
I’ll keep looking though and thanks for your support.
I was at work in the office so today was good but came home to the ***** opening and slamming the same door repeatedly. I counted about 30 slams. I wish I had a gun!!!
Please be patient, OnTheVerge. Estate agents are busy people. They need to arrange many appointments, both for prospective buyers viewing properties and for prospective sellers requiring property inspection prior to putting up for sale.
Personally I would act in a neutral, matter-of-fact manner in dealing with the estate agent. If you appear to be over-keen, you may put yourself in a weaker position if it comes to negotiating a price.
Do let us know, after you have viewed the property.
