My Caring Dilemma

New to Carers Connect
41

If I phone or call in to my GP’s practice, it’s exactly the same - however, I can book an appointment on-line, usually for the next day.

They do always have appointments that you can book on the day but you have to get in early, if you call in or phone, those appointments are gone within 30 minutes or less of the Surgery opening.

The same appointments are released on-line at midnight for that day, just take your pick, see if yours has a similar system. You’ll have to tell them that you want to register for that service, you won’t be able to do it otherwise.

42

You do NOT have to go and see your uncle if you don’t want to. It really is your choice. What good will it do? Sorry for changing your gender! You’ve enough on your plate without that!!!

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OntheVerge

That’s great you got to your reunion…

Your GP practice is honestly just a difficult as mine.

You sound like you are getting things under control at home…its great you fit in the gym…

Not sure I will manage my usual exercise this week as just got a cold …first since April past year
But even so totally sorted my living room as in all day today…which is rare for me!

No clutter in sight…have stashed all paperwork in boxes. Feel so much better. Can pretend there is no filing now!,

As BB says it’s your choice re your uncle.

44

Hope you are all well. I’ve not posted on here for a few months but just needed somewhere to vent.

Things are just getting on top of me again. I don’t know if I am coming or going anymore. I hope you don’t mind me venting.

I had one counselling session at work before the pandemic started. It was good, I had a good cry. It was good to let it all out. I don’t think she quite understood where I was coming from because she got the impression I wanted a wife and was too scared to find one. I talked about the caring but it didn’t seem to register with her. Nonetheless, it was good to have a chat with a stranger and let it all out. I went through half a box of tissues! I had another session booked but the pandemic happened.

Mum’s lost loads of weight and is down to her last few teeth. She still tries to do everything on her own but can’t and then gets really upset which upsets me in turn. She can’t even open doors with her arthritis in her wrist. It’s so sad. She can’t eat much due to her lack of teeth so I mush up all the food or cook things which will be soft like super boiled vegetables. I’m doing everything I can for her but I get so tired sometimes.

My brother has also lost weight and now shakes all the time. The other day I asked him to pass something to me and he was shaking so bad. He is only 40 and I am really worried about it all. He won’t go out of the house anymore. The other day I asked if he wanted to come to the shops with me, he went to his room and didn’t come back down. I wish he would join a support group for his urine retention problem or even go to the GP and tell them what is bothering him. I can’t do all the emotional stuff for him. The other day I lost my patience with him and then I felt really bad. I feel like an awful person sometimes.

My sister is in her own little world and doesn’t seem to want to help out at all. I know she has learning difficulties but it really annoys me that she always has an opinion on things and wants to voice it yet will do absolutely nothing to help me out, no cleaning, no cooking, no tidying up, no helping Mum!

The other siblings still don’t give a shit which is so annoying. I’m the youngest and I feel I should be the one not giving a shit but then it would fall onto Mum which is just not on. I have asked them for help but they are not interested. I am not married therefore all responsibility should fall on me! I wish my older nephew and niece who are in their 20’s would pop round once in a while even if it was just to sit with Mum, but no, they don’t.

The ***** next door are still doing our heads in. Constantly slamming doors which is done on purpose! I know the walls on the property are thin but they take the piss. It’s 1pm now and I have already counted 25 full on door slams! Saturday night, they were partying hard until about 2am which meant no sleep for any of us. The Police aren’t interested and neither are the Council. I know AJAY put up a link but they just bat it off, “it’s the lockdown, people are going to be noisy” blah blah blah!

Work have told us to bring all our things home as the office is now closed for good. I used to like going to work 2.5 days a week. It gave me a breath of fresh air and it felt food to not be at home next to the ***** family and not having to run around the people I care for either. Now I will be stuck at home 24 / 7 which is either going to break me or break me (yes I said break me twice!).

I’m in my late 30’s now but looked at myself in the mirror the other day and resemble a 50 year old. I never thought caring would be so intense and would take it out of me like this.

Sorry, I just needed to get all of that out. I am so tired, I am falling asleep but I know the ***** will bang a door and wake me up.

Take care everyone and stay safe.

45

Hi Ontheverge,
I can totally sympathise re your neighbours - we have paper thin walls too and they make lots of noise - they can’t do anything quietly. They shout instead of talk, do lots of very loud singing (like the sort of acts on X factor that get booed off), have everything turned up loud (music, TV, radio), use their phones on speakerphone in the garden, have their windows open so the row comes out of the windows as well as through the walls, Their loud dog barks a lot, they have had meet ups all through lockdown and smoke weed outside so the smell comes in through our windows if they open. They bang about a lot, throw their bottles into their recycling bin after midnight - chat outside loudly some nights into the early hours and always slam their front door. Having awful neighbours during lockdown is worse than usual as everyone is spending so much more time at home.

I’m really sorry to hear about your job at the office - perhaps you could do voluntary work whilst you apply for new jobs - it will get you out of the house and meeting people and look good on your CV too.

Melly1

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Hello ontheverge and Melly

My sympathies to you both regarding neighbours. The sarcastic old fart next door has been clapping in praise of the NHS yet his granddaughter parked in our driveway (entire road free) preventing a district nurse from gaining easy access to visit my mum. He sprayed part of mum’s house with creosote and claimed to be unaware of this. Cut bushes down over a foot in our garden. I was looking out of the window waiting for a taxi once and he was sat in his car glaring at me - I decided to withdraw from the window. He was disingenuous (at best) regarding building a fence.

I could go on. I understand how when one is inside all the time it’s quite easy to misinterpret things but with these jerks it’d very easy to lose my temper.

Then there’s my sister. I won’t go there because it’s not my post and I only wanted to show some solidarity with a couple of fellow carers, mainly about the neighbours. But I do understand what it’s like to be left completely alone by a family member in atrocious situations and I wish you great strength ontheverge.

My very best wishes to you both, David

47

Hi ontheverge

Good to hear from you …

So sorry re the job…such a shame. It was a good escape for you.

I would suggest you make sure you get out every day and maybe try volunteering so you can get out and meet people.

Caring is tough. I agree …so intense.

Just be nice to think about our own interests etc for once… instead of our carees.

The important thing is to set aside time for you even if that time is short.

48

Hi friends,

Hope you are all well.

Melly1 and David4, you also have my sympathies. These gits next door are just plain awful. You don’t know if it’s going to be a good day (50 slams) or a bad day (over 100 slams) and I am always on tenterhooks as to what kind of day it will be. Currently, the idiot goes into the cellar between 5pm and 7pm and randomly hammers against the wall. He is not doing any DIY, it’s just something he does to annoy us. Why would anyone do that though? It’s not like we have done anything to bother them! The fact they carry on during the lockdown is enough to drive anyone bananas. My mental health is all over the place currently.

All our doors are on the other side of the house so if I slammed them, the other neighbours would feel the noise. I’ve therefore resorted to banging the cupboard doors. Unfortunately, the tiles have now become loose in the kitchen. How their house has not broken down due to the constant slamming is beyond me!

Caring wise, life is still shit. Mum is losing more weight but brother seems to have come out of his deep depression which is good. I guess I should count my blessings and the caring side is not as bad as some other posters on here. Still no support or help from the other siblings. Trying to ask them for help is like trying to get blood out of a stone.

Oh and I think I mustn’t have explained it properly. I still have a job but we are no longer working from an office. We work from home. Imagine me doing that with the gits banging doors left, right and centre. It’s not good. Hopefully the lockdown will eventually calm down and we will work from an office again at some point. I know it sound selfish but working was my escape from caring and living next door to nutjobs.

I hope you are all keeping safe. Take care and thanks for letting me rant again. I struggle to talk to friends as they always change the subject or tell me to get a grip. If someone is not in the same situation re: caring, they will never understand it.

49

Our neighbours think they are better than us, long story. Show very little consideration for us. Tonight, at 8.00pm, just as grandson has gone upstairs to bed, neighbours starts up a powerful petrol strimmer with a faulty silencer. Eight feet from my kitchen window, which I then close. The strimming goes on and on. I have enough. I stand on steps looking over the hedge, I yell at him 10 feet from him, only he can’t hear as it’s making such a racket. I throw a stick at him, it just misses, he should have seen it. Still he strims. The second stick scores a hit. He looks up, and finally stops the blasted thing. I explain it’s now 9pm and my grandson is trying to get to sleep 15 feet away from where he’s strimming. He said that if I’d asked nicely, he would have stopped! I explained I’d been waving from different positions but he didn’t see me. Neighbour then emails No.1 son to see if it was him making the racket!! No way of going round there, due to security gates!! This man’s garden is almost an acre, so why he couldn’t go and strim in another part of his garden, rather than so close to us, is beyond me.

50

Good day, OnTheVerge. This is my first post on this conversation. I have read all the posts and you have had some good advice. But if I may give an overview - and I am sorry if I sound a bit frank - in late February you seemed to have at least a plan to work your way out of the problem situation you were in. Now it seems, partially on your own admission, that you are back where you were; little progress has been made. The coronavirus pandemic won’t have helped either. I suggest that you need to take firm action.

There is nothing selfish about needing time away from the problem home, whether it is at work, in the gym or elsewhere. You realise yourself that your mental health is near breaking point. If you crack up you will be no use to your carees.

It is time to take decisive action, difficult as it will be emotionally, or you will be in this sorry situation till kingdom come. It is time to grasp the nettle by the horns and bite the bullet. (sorry!)

You need to get yourself a house of your own.

You said somewhere that you had good savings and could probably afford one. Just a small house - near enough to your Mum’s for you to call in regularly but far enough to detach yourself from the family problems and those dreadful noisy neighbours. Somewhere you can chill out when necessary. If you go to the gym, use it for the purpose for which it is intended, not as a refuge. Vigorous exercise can be a great reliever of stress.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Most adults do not want to live with their parents for the rest of their lives. When Mum passes on, your good-for-nothing distant siblings will probably converge like vultures to find what is in the Will for them. You will not feel guilty then (and neither will they).

Also, take a holiday, and arrange for respite carers to look after your family while you are away. Meet the carers for the first visit or two.

I think that at heart you are the type of chap who would like to stand on your own two feet and take control of the situation. Go for it. Now!

51

Well said!

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Thanks BowlingBun and Denis for you input and advice.

The pandemic and lockdown did throw me completely off kilter. I was due for another session with a counsellor but that all got cancelled. Although I didn’t find her advice useful, it was good to be able to chat to someone who didn’t know me at all and get it all out. I also cried like crazy but I found it very therapeutic. I don’t know if that makes sense.

The sleeping tablets (hayfever ones) I was on have stopped working and I am therefore normally drained. It doesn’t help that the witch next door wants to hoover the bedrooms at 7am! This happened again yesterday and now my nerves are all over the place. This morning I was up until about 4am and then was back up at 5am.

I’ve mentioned before that carers would be an absolute no no from Mum. It’s a cultural thing and it would be frowned upon. She will try and power on even though she’s not able to. Bless her, she still tries to open and close doors even though her hands and wrists are no longer strong enough. It breaks my heart to see her in this condition.

I am still looking for properties but even though some are in (very) bad condition, folk expect top dollar so that would completely wipe me out. On a selfish note, I have no intention of living round here once Mum has gone as I know the others will expect me to care / look after them and I have no intention of doing that. I want a fresh start and like Denis has said, I would love to be able to stand on my own two feet and not have to run around people.

Thanks again for listening to me. Although I am not making any physical progress, it’s nice to be able to write my thoughts and feelings down.

53

Yopu say “it’s a cultural thing” not having outside carers, but this is the UK and to my way of thinking if you move to a new country you cannot and should not live as if you are living in the old one.

It is NOT mum’s choice to have you rather than anyone else.
It is YOUR choice, to choose whether you will or will not care for her.
The only power she has over you is the power you let her have, you are NOT HER SLAVE!

I found counselling very helpful, it’s OK to cry, to talk, to let it out when there is no one to share close things with. My late husband and I shared everything, I so miss his wise words, having a chance to discuss things.

Others may have their own agenda, you say they may expect you to care for them too???!!!???
Are they helping with mum?
Too often others make excuses and tell carers things for their own selfish reasons, don’t be fooled.

54

I wonder who are these people that would “frown” if other people looked after Mum. Would they be (as Bowlingbun suggested) other relatives who are no help in the present circumstances? Would they be friends? Would they be members of some religious organisation that you may belong to?

If the last should be the case, you could consider approaching your religious minister or representative or whatever, and relate your difficult circumstances and ask for advice. I can’t guarantee you will get the response you might like to hear, but you have nothing to lose and even if the response were to be negative it could give pointers on what to do next.

The problem remains however that what ever you may think or your friends may think or your minister of religion may think, your mum still thinks that you, not carers, should be caring for her. You will need to work by gentle and gradual persuasion. You could suggest that if she were to go into sheltered accommodation, then the family could all still visit and help but she would have a warden on call when nobody else could be around.

I am still looking for properties but even though some are in (very) bad condition, folk expect top dollar so that would completely wipe me out.

Don’t buy a wreck than needs massive amounts of DIY. You have enough on your plate already. How about renting a small flat or bedsitter? It would give you a refuge and you could probably find one quite quickly.

On a selfish note, I have no intention of living round here once Mum has gone as I know the others will expect me to care / look after them and I have no intention of doing that. I want a fresh start and like Denis has said, I would love to be able to stand on my own two feet and not have to run around people.
. . .

There is nothing selfish about your wishes. Your Mum is the selfish one, possibly for misguided reasons.

I don’t advise “waiting for Mum to pass on”. She could last for another 15 years or more. That’s a long wait. And why do you think you will be able to make the break then when you can’t now? What is significant about moving to another area then, when you could stay put without he problem of looking after Mum? What about your brother? He sounds as though he could benefit from going into care. Is he somehow differently placed from you, so he could be cared for without people “frowning”?

A little more information about your “culture” and what it expects from you could be helpful to us. Best wishes!

55

Hi Denis,

Well we are Indian and it’s normal for the children to look after their parents until they die. Maybe “frowned upon” was the wrong phrase to use. I don’t think it’s just an Indian thing though. Some older people are very set in their ways and won’t accept any help at all from a stranger or carer. A white (just mentioning race as it’s a universal thing) girl I work with has a Mum who is in the same sort of situation. She won’t accept any help at all. My friend doesn’t actually care for her Mum, she just lets her get on with it. I wish I was like that!

I wouldn’t go to a Muslim minister at all. When I went to him about the nutty neighbours, he told me to be patient and that God was with me. A few years down the line and it’s still the same!

I am under no illusion that my other siblings are just waiting for their share of the will. I think it’s bloody disgusting that they won’t help me out at all. They all know how much I struggle as I have mentioned it to nephews and nieces but no, they couldn’t care less. My brother came over today and saw me sat rocking forwards and backwards (I’ve had a really shitty day and the gits have been on a slamming frenzy - my nerves are shot) but still didn’t bother to ask how I was or if I needed any help.

Funnily enough I mentioned sheltered accommodation to Mum once or twice. She stopped talking to me for 2 weeks.

On the plus side, I was sat looking for bungalows and detached houses at 3am this morning. If only I had £350K spare! sigh

56

Just having a mini vent. The gits next door have been banging and slamming like mad over the last week, extended family have come over to stay. It’s all day and all night. Not a moments peace.

Mum was in tears the other day but she is adamant she will not move from here which is so annoying. I’ve tried so hard to convince her but she will not budge! Can anyone with a magic wand help me out here please? She was on board to move when the nurse / therapist woman from the arthritis clinic said the council would give her a nice little bungalow if she applied due to her illness, but that’s never come into fruition.

I sent off another email to the housing section to see if they can give her any priority for a bungalow but they have said no. Apparently they can fit a stairlift so it’s all good. The thing is she can no longer open doors in this house due to her wrists. I know some of the bungalows are tailor made for people with illnesses and disabilities but they won’t budge.

If it was just the caring for my 3 carees with human neighbours or no neighbours, it would be just fine. It’s the constant noise and the caring which is going to tip me over the edge and trust me, I am getting very close to being tipped!

The lack of sleep means I am always tired and grouchy. Before corona, once every month or every two months, I would whizz off to a hotel and just lay in a quiet room all day but I don’t feel safe doing that currently and Mum is quite frail.

I know BOWLINGBUN will shout and say move out, leave her to it but at this moment it’s just not possible so I am just having a mini vent.

What I have started doing is for about 5 minutes a day, I go into daydream mode and just forget about everything and imagine being on a deserted island or on a tropical beach, all on my own, surrounded by pizza, without a care in the world. It doesn’t get me anyway but it’s just nice to drift off and think of a better life.

57

I suppose you’ve tried to get Housing involve to get next door to be quieter, potentially a Hate crime as it involves a disabled person and carer?

58

Yes I did. They told me slamming doors and late night DIY is just household noise and they would not be able to do anything about it. They did mention sound proofing the walls, I had someone come round. It would be the floor, ceiling and walls in each room which would cost to much.

Just taken Mum to bed and the ******** have started running up and down stairs and banging doors again :frowning: :frowning:

59

Not much in the way of good advice I’m afraid ontheverge - just understand that you’re not alone in your desperation tonight.

I made the mistake of going for a ‘lie-down’ yesterday evening and fell asleep. Now I’m up all night. All I seem to be able to do these days is take absolutely everything one day at a time. How I wish I could still drive in order to have a week’s respite by myself in a quiet place. Then I might just recharge the batteries a little and think. Is there any hope you could speak to your social services or GP about respite? I get the impression you’ll have to do something more than write sooner or later, for your mental health’s sake.

Very best wishes, David

60

Thanks OnTheVerge for saying more about yourself. I have been away on a short holiday, hence the delay in reply.

A white girl is in a similar situation so we have established it is not a matter of race, which is good. It is, as you say, more a question of people being set in their ways, and ignoring the fact that in this country we have a very good national health service and welfare state from which they could benefit. There is no need to wish you were like your friend who does not care for her mum. You can take some pride that you are supporting your mum. You could however wish to have matters more under control and leave some of the caring to others who can do it better than you can. Caring is not about being a nurse available 24/7. It is about providing the best type of treatment, and some of this care needs to be delegated. If you can organise all this you are caring in the best possible way. The problem is Mum does not see it this way.

I wouldn’t go to a Muslim minister at all. When I went to him about the nutty neighbours, he told me to be patient and that God was with me. A few years down the line and it’s still the same!

The only real advice I can give over noisy neighbours are, a) earplugs and b) move out. I would not have thought that a Muslim minister would be the best source of advice on noise. However if you ask for advice about a stubborn mother I suspect you will get a similar response. At least we can eliminate religion as wall as race as relevant matters. Is your Mum troubled by the noisy neighbours?

I am under no illusion that my other siblings are just waiting for their share of the will. I think it’s bloody disgusting that they won’t help me out at all. They all know how much I struggle as I have mentioned it to nephews and nieces but no, they couldn’t care less. My brother came over today and saw me sat rocking forwards and backwards (I’ve had a really shitty day and the gits have been on a slamming frenzy - my nerves are shot) but still didn’t bother to ask how I was or if I needed any help.

Now this is interesting. What sort of relationship does your brother have with your Mum? Does she not expect similar support from him to that which you are providing? Or are you being “singled out”? Have you thought of asking Mum why she does not expect more from her other son?

Funnily enough I mentioned sheltered accommodation to Mum once or twice. She stopped talking to me for 2 weeks.

Have you seen your GP recently? If not, it could be prudent to have another visit and discuss the situation with Mum. You GP should be concerned with your own health and wealthy, clearly being put under strain in these conditions. It seems to me that your Mum needs counselling more than you do. She needs advice about a care package, coming from someone impartial. Could your GP point you in the right direction?

On the plus side, I was sat looking for bungalows and detached houses at 3am this morning. If only I had £350K spare! sigh

Even if you had that money, you could not “buy your way” out of your difficulties any more than you can now. I presume you could afford a small flat; that is the next step I recommend you take. Even though you may still finding difficulty in “letting go” of your need to care for your Mum, it would give you a place to close the door on the problems and the noisy neighbours and preserve your sanity. Life would be a little kinder.

What I have started doing is for about 5 minutes a day, I go into daydream mode and just forget about everything and imagine being on a deserted island or on a tropical beach, all on my own, surrounded by pizza, without a care in the world. It doesn’t get me anyway but it’s just nice to drift off and think of a better life.

Daydream if you must, but take positive action. Find alternative accommodation, the next step towards sanity and ultimately sorting out Mum’s problems.