Hi OTV,
It’s possible to buy hot wax machines for home use hot wax machine for arthritis hands - Google Search I know several members on my arthritis forum who highly recommend owning one.
Melly1
Hi Joan_1501,
Bless you, you sound adorable. I love how you tackled your Mum’s issue of not wanting to let you go. It’s different with you being the only child. I have 5 siblings in total, but the eldest 1 has nothing to do with us anymore because she no longer requires a babysitter (nephew and niece are in their 20’s), 1 sibling is selfish and is only about himself and the other has young kids so seems to think it’s my responsibility for “carrying” the others. I wish they would do a bit but they don’t and I am past asking or caring now.
One of my friends took me to the Channel Islands for 2 nights about 5 years ago. That was awful. Mum initially kept saying no and then cried her eyes out but my friend was taking me as a treat and had already booked everything. She cried her eyes out on the day I went and even walked to the end of the street in her nightie. I’ve never felt so bad in my life. Then she kept calling me every other hour so it wasn’t much of a trip and the phone bill was very high! I don’t think I could put myself through that again…FOR NOW anyway! Maybe in the future.
Thanks so much for your kind words and support. I appreciate it. I think with me it’s going to be a long term project. I don’t think things are going to change for me drastically in the short term but as long I can get some counselling and become stronger and more resilient, I think it will all be better for me.
I have promised myself and even written it down that if and when Mum passes (hopefully not for a very long time), I am out of here and I am sorry but I will not be looking after the other 2 siblings. That might make me sound harsh but I am in no way responsible for them all. I’m not responsible for Mum either but I know she has had an awful life and I will not just desert her when she needs me.
Joan, just out of interest, do you know if there are any carers groups up in Yorkshire? I have done a google and it did bring some random ones up but I was just wondering if you were part of any. Thanks love.
Hi Melly1,
Do you suffer from arthritis? I will ask when we at the arthritis clinic again and I will make certain Mum would use it if I bought her one. Last time, we were told to buy these which I did https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B003WOJ840/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 but then Mum changed her mind and said I don’t want to use them. Amazon wouldn’t take it back because it had been taken out of the packaging. They are still sat in my room. I might use them as boxing gloves, lol.
\
No GP appointments until next week and I have been told to call back on Friday. I remember the time you could make an appointment on that very day. Times have changed.
Brother is in a much cheery mood today. I am so glad he went out yesterday.
I’ve done all the cleaning and put the washing out. I’ve done all the dishes and the crockery. Mum’s just sat in the kitchen with the heating on so I have a bit of me time. I will have to start cooking in a bit. Thanks so much for reading and all the support you give me.
OTV
The GP system is so frustrating!
I phone up - theres no appointments
Get told to ring in a week or whatever.
I forget to phone then, or I am busy with sons!
Ring another day get told no appointments again…
Ring in a few days, and so it goes on!
Haven’t got round to looking at the online system myself But most surgeries have it these days.
Might be worth a go
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Hello there!!!
Yes in my area of North Yorkshire there is the Carers Resource and in the past I did approach them for moral support. It was just good to talk to someone about everything
My husband is extremely supportive as are my friends. However, I suppose sometimes they might have got fed up of me “nattering” on 
so it was good to unload to a stranger who was trained in being a good listener !!!
I am sure there will be similar support groups where you live . Contact social services and ask them for contact details of support groups near you.
Good luck again and keep us all updated of developments
Joan 
((hug )) x
OTV,
I have osteoarthritis. I believe your Mum has rheumatoid arthritis if she takes methotrexate, though she might have OA too. I was born with dislocated hips and developed OA in my mid 20’s. I have had both replaced. Also now have it in other joints - as a result of compensating for the hips and general wear and tear (knees, neck, shoulders, some fingers.) Whilst waiting for my hip replacements and during recovery - the forum was a Godsend https://arthritiscareforum.org.uk/viewforum.php?f=8
However, back to you - hope the advice from everyone helps you to make adjustments and improve your own quality of life.
Melly1
Hi cloudygal,
Sorry it’s the same for you too. I’ve not heard about this online thing but will look into it. Thanks for your advice.
Hi Joan,
When I googled it, it brought up a lot of support groups in North Yorkshire. There are a few in central Leeds but the timings are a bit meh. I might be able to amalgamate one of these into a hotel night stay if I book one soon.
So glad you have a husband to support you.
Hi Melly,
I hope you have someone to look after you. I hope you are OK. Mum’s arthritis gets really bad in winter. Along with her poor circulation with her diabetes, her fingers and toes are always cold which really worries me. I’ve got her all kind of things like those heat pads and what not but she won’t use them.
I’ve been reading through the forum you mentioned which has been quite helpful. I didn’t know coughs and colds were complete no nos for people who were around those taking those pills. I will have to make my nephews and nieces stay in the porch and not come into the house, hahaha.
Looking through my employee healthcare paperwork, it appears our organisation has 24/7 phone support for people who are experiencing any kind of issues that are leading to stress. I phoned them up today but didn’t get very far. When she asked me to tell her how things were and what was bothering me, I just burst into tears. It was like the floodgates opened and I’ve been in tears most of today. She has told me to call back when I am feeling a bit better and they will be able to speak to me.
At least I know I can access them 24/7, it’s just a bit hard calling them and speaking to them from home. I’m just feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all. But thanks again for all your support everyone.
Hi,
So I’ve still not had the courage to phone the call line that I can. I tried yesterday but was too overcome with emotion that I had to hang up. I will just end up crying. I know this. I’ve been doing this caring thing for such a long time and it’s just so hard to talk about it. I wish they had an online chat facility but they don’t.
I had my 121 this morning at work. My manager asked what was on my mind because I looked really tired. I ended up telling her that I was really struggling with looking after Mum. She told me she understands where I am coming from but she does not live with her Mum so can’t fully understand how it takes over someone’s life. She’s told me that if I need help or wanted to go through to employee healthcare, that can be sorted. She’s said she will come with me if I want someone to go with me. Now my only worry is they are looking to cut people in my team. I hope I’ve not shot myself in the foot.
Brother has been really down in the dumps again. He had an operation a few years back because he has to use catheters to urinate, it was meant to help stimulate his nerves so he could urinate normally. It didn’t go as planned and now he has a lot of pain in his right leg. The consultant’s seem to fob him off all the time and I think he is just fed up with everything. He can’t go out due to the pain in his right leg although I do try and tell him just to walk to the end of the street to get some hair, which he won’t.
I dread waking up in the morning and coming home from work. Mum looks like death warmed up and my brother is always down, and the witch next door keeps slamming her doors. I don’t get a moments rest.
So I phoned the telephone counselling line. I wasn’t sure what to expect but an hour later, the telephone call ended. I was able to get most of the things off my chest in between sobbing. It was good in that I didn’t have someone sat opposite me which would have filled me with dread.
I’ve been told I can call back at any time and speak to someone. She made it clear they won’t be able to solve my problems but if I feel like venting, they are there for me.
One of the lovely posters suggested that I write all my worries and stresses down and take it to the GP so I don’t bottle it and the counsellor said the same thing. She even suggested that I write down that I am worried about bringing it up in conversation.
Thanks everyone for pushing me to doing this.
Also, my thread says “my loneliness”, I didn’t mean that I am lonely. Heck, I’ve always got Mum or my siblings around me and people at work and acquaintances and friends - I meant more stuck in my bubble because people don’t know what it really feels like to be a carer. I am so glad I found the courage to post on here because it’s nice to share stories and worries and stresses. It’s nice to know I am not the only one in this predicament. Sorry I know that sounds ridiculous but when you are so worried and tired and despondent, it always feels like you have been dealt the worst hand even though there are others out there in much worse conditions.
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Hey good for you for making that call and talking to your line manager. I’m glad they are there for you to talk to. Do you think you can build up to seeing the GP now?
You can be utterly lonely surrounded by people - so post title makes total sense!
Just wondering if you could also explore getting a bit more help so you could have some time to yourself? Even a few minutes a day can make all the difference. A cleaner is sometimes a good place to start as less threatening than “carer”. Your Mum might be entitled to Attendance Allowance which would give you some money to pay for it?
What about signing up to something like couch to 5k programme where you will meet some more people and get yourself out. It is only 20mins or so at a time, so your Mum could build up to being left more?
Just some ideas. I really hope that things can get better for you.
Hi Sally,
Yeah, I do intend on going to the GP and I will go in the next fortnight. I think I will call the helpline a few times more to get me ready. I am going to write down what is bothering me and how so even if I bottle it, which I know I will, I will just hand the list over. I know counselling won’t happen overnight but I am more than happy to give anti-depressants or sleep aids a go.
The thing with me is that I don’t mind doing the physical caring for 3 people, it’s the emotional side that I need support with. With the 2 siblings, sometimes it feels like they need constant instruction even with basic things and that’s what I cannot deal with. I’m not emotionally stable myself but having to think for 2 other people as well as me is too much. Add that to the vicious **** next door who keeps banging her doors, I don’t get a moment to myself and that’s where it all topples over for me and I feel like I am on the verge of a meltdown. Although Mum is frail and looks like a skeleton, she is still quite on the ball so thankfully I don’t have to think for her or instruct her.
Like today “we” all did a bit of cooking. I took the lead, Mum helped out with the recipe and the other 2 were just there and I had to tell them to do basic things like “rinse the pot”, “put the lid on the blender” and “put that into the pot”. I know it sounds like trivial things but it just really grinds me down sometimes. I have to admit, I did lose my rag with my sister because it just gets too much at times. In the end, I just told the 2 siblings to go away and I ended up doing it all which I don’t mind but it’s nice to get them involved in things too.
Perhaps I sound evil and I do feel really bad for losing my rag with them but I don’t understand why it’s fallen on my shoulders. The other 2 siblings who have moved out could help out but they don’t give a flying f***. Like I said, I will do whatever I can to help Mum and I will do it for as long as I can, but if the 2 siblings thing I am carrying them, they have another thing coming.
Now I’m in a tizz again. If I wasn’t at home, I would call the helpline but Mum will overhear me and then I don’t want her getting all stressed out.
I do have a lot of interests, I just don’t have time in the day to do them. I wish I could have a support worker who would take over for a few hours each week so I could have a guilt free few hours!!!
Don’t keep apologising. Accept that it IS difficult and something needs to happen to reduce it so you can have a life of your own at last.
Hello again!!! ’
re your remark about having a support worker to take over for a few hours . I’m sure there will be voluntary group in your area who offer a "volunteer visiting scheme ".
If there is perhaps you could try and persuade your mum to let them come for an hour or two? As an excuse for them coming perhaps you could tell your mum that your doctor has told you quite firmly that you need some time to yourself on a regular basis because otherwise you are going to become ill!!
I know it’s a big “porky pie” but something’s got to give or you WILL be ill! And us carers have ALL told the odd “porky pie” to ensure our sanity! !
Hopefully (fingers and everything else crossed😁!!) your mum might be accepting of this especially as the doctor says this has to happen.
In fact (light bulb moment!!) go and see her doctor and ask him to visit her for a "routine check up) and then ask him if he could kindly suggest this idea to her . I am sure most doctors would support you in this way.
I know my mum’s doctor was always supporting of me when my mum was at home. Although saying that he couldnt persuade her to have day care or respite care!! But ANY THING is worth a try is it not??
Anyway good luck…all of us on this site are thinking of you.
Joan (())
It’s good you vented how you feel and to everyone else it’s obvious that you are suffering. It’s impossible to do it all something will break and more than likely it will be you . Family carers paid or unpaid all try to do the best for others and overlook our own mental health and feel you falling into a dark hole. Feeling a failure cause you can’t do it all work and caring .We all have stories to say to others .Only people in these caring roles understand and can empathize .The loneliness is another side that is understated. Take care , of yourself because if you don’t who will x
bowlingbun,
I won’t use that word again. I promise.
Thanks for your kind words.
joan,
I will take what you have said on board. I fear Mum will do her “eyes closed, I am not listening to you” routine again but we shall see. She does this each time I mention moving / getting some outside help / care homes. She’s started doing it when I tell her we need to go to the GP’s for her diabetic checks, although she did say it’s too cold and windy, I might fly away, bless her soul. I will literally have to drag her next week if she keeps saying no.
She’s such a lovely woman and I absolutely adore her and I have so much time for her but she is impossible at times. It also breaks my heart she has gone from being a confident healthy woman to what she is now. I just wish the 2 able siblings would also join in and help out, even if it was just sitting with her for a while. All Mum’s siblings are in their late 70’s and 80’s with numerous health issues so they can’t come over once in a while either.
Hope you are keeping well. Thanks for your kind words.
elizabeth,
That’s exactly how I feel. For so long, I felt I had to just soldier on but I have now realised this is not possible. If I am not well, I won’t be able to cook / clean / take to appointments etc. I wish there was a resiliency course carers could go on for free. It would make us a lot stronger.
I’ve not had chance to have a verbal vent as I have been stuck at home as brother is not too well. I will phone the helpline on Monday during my lunch break at work. I have vented on here so thanks all for listening to me moan again.
I’ve also decided I am going to take one half day off from work per month and just go sit in a park or go to the Kitty Cafe in town or just get a book and sit in a coffee shop and have a bit of me time. Whether this happens or not is a different matter but I am slowly slowly doing things.
Thanks again my online mates for listening to me. I appreciate it.
Ontheverge
That sounds like a good plan.
The Kitty Cafe sounds amazing, out of curiosity I looked it up. Wow! Wish we had one here!
Animals are very therapeutic. Be determined to get your me time. You deserve it.
What can mum do to physically stop you having people in to help YOU in YOUR caring role? In reality, not a lot!
There’s a phrase used here, I don’t like it, but can’t think of a better alternative of “elderly toddler”.
This absolutely describes how old people can be sometimes. From their point of view, they are very set in their ways, frail, with very little control over anything any more. Their world has shrunk, and sometimes the effect is to try and control the few things that they think they can.
I remember, when I was 59 and disabled, saying that I couldn’t do something, mum said “well it’s not as if you were 60 is it?”. She always remembered me as being very fit, and completely forgot that I too was disabled, recently widowed, trying to earn a living with a son with severe learning difficulties.
She’d simply forgotten about all my problems. One day she even had a moan about losing dad when he was 78. I got very cross and told her not to EVER say that to me ever again, as I was widowed when I was just 54, and my husband was 58. She was lucky to have 50 more years of marriage than I had.
She wasn’t being mean or nasty, that just wasn’t in her nature, it was simply that she was so ill and self focussed my problems hadn’t really registered.
If YOU need something to help you care, then arrange it, for your own sake.
BB,
I know exactly what you are saying but at the end of the day, it’s her house and her rules. So I can’t really keep pestering her about it. As I said, I am fine with the physical care side to it but I can’t do the emotional side as I am a complete wreck. I will keep cajoling her though. Just not every day.
My other sibling brought his kids over yesterday so that was fun. It’s nice to have kids running around and laughing and jumping. Normally it feels like the scene from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory where he comes home from school or wherever and all the grandparents are laid on their beds (siblings and Mum are laid on sofas!). I think it really cheers Mum up because the older grandchild / nephew tells us everything he has been doing at school and his new friends etc. Sister in law sent some food too so I won’t have to cook today which is a godsend.
I’ve completed a self referral form to employee health care and hope they will contact me soon. I’ve sent it off first class.
I also got an email from a new pizza restaurant opening in Leeds next week and they have offered me a free pizza so I have booked for that for next week. I’m taking half a day off from work next week and will put my glad rags on and treat myself. One of my friends wanted to meet for a catch up too but I don’t know if I will. If friends are not carers, they don’t understand and I get tired / jealous / annoyed about him going on about everything he does in his spare time. I know it’s not his fault but it just makes me feel even worse for not being able to have a social life. All friends seem to say is “it will be fine” and then want to change the subject. Sigh!
Oh and my brother told us that one of my uncle’s is on his death bed (he has been terminally ill for a good few years now so we knew he was poorly but not that he was on his way out) and the other one is having a heart bypass. Both are Mum’s brothers so that put a downer on everything.
I’m just taking each day as it comes now. If I went to bed and never woke up again, that would be a good thing as I’m just so tired with this awful life! There’s only one of me and I can’t be the emotional support for 2 to 3 people including myself.
Thanks for listening to me vent again and thanks to all who keep propping me up and giving me advice. I would be so lost without you.
It may be her house, but it can’t be her rules!!
You could leave tomorrow and have a better life.
On the other hand she is totally dependent on you.
She can only stay there because of the kindness of your heart, so it’s YOUR rules that matter!!
When did you last go away for a weekend, a week, or a fortnight???
Mum would soon find out that really she has no power at all. If she wants to stay there it has to be you making the conditions which mean you stay.
You may be her daughter but you are an adult and she should not be treating you as if you were still a little girl. I know it’s difficult, counselling helped me manage my own mum better.
Yeah BB, you are right and I completely get where you are coming from.
I would love to just pack and bugger off and never return but then she would be stuck with the other 2 and believe it or not, she would try and do the cooking etc but not be able to do it.
The kids are coming over again tomorrow so that will be fun and then on Thursday I have told her I am going to the gym. I’m not going to the gym but just going to sit on a wall somewhere and speak to the helpline. I just need to offload.
I’m going to start calling the GP to make an appointment for next week and I have written my bullet points down.
Oh and I am her son, not her daughter, lol. You are too funny.
Still not managed to get a GP appointment. They are still all booked up! Bloody joke. I got one of those certificates where you pay £30 and get prescriptions for free for 3 months but they are always bloody full up!!! What a waste of money.
Mum seems a bit cheery but brother is still in a rut. His leg is not “working” again today and he is doing the whole woe is me thing which is just depressing.
I’ve done all the cooking and cleaning and even went to the gym today.
We had a work reunion party the other day for a few colleagues who left and I went to that - did all the cooking in advance, Mum was not happy and ignored me all night but I was only out for 2 hours or so. It was good to catch up and reminded me of 10 years ago when they worked with me, when I was care free, well not care free but Dad was still alive and all I had to do was the physical caring like cooking and cleaning and hospital runs and not all the emotional stuff too! The good old days. One of the colleagues has really bad rheumatoid arthritis so it was good to swap notes with what is going on with Mum. She also said you don’t have to keep topping up the dosage of MTX and you are able to say no which we were not aware of, the consultant is VERY pushy.
I was just about managing with the caring stuff until this morning when my brother had a text saying my uncle is now on his way out. He has palliative care at home and they don’t expect him to be with us for more than a week. Mum and I are meant to be going to visit him in a bit and I am already an emotional wreck. This is one thing I cannot handle. Please send positive vibes. I need them.