Hi, sorry I haven’t been on for a while. I guess I have been feeling rather indifferent lately what with battling my health, work, mum and everything else. However things are very much still stalled with mum.
I have been trying to focus on myself abit more as I have been feeling so ashamed of how things have turned out and I’m trying to focus on myself.
I’ve had a few good things, well amazing happen this month. I went to a comic con and met my celeb crush and a couple of days ago I went to see my favourite band. I have waited a year for this concert and everything was paid for a year ago. This was the fourth time I have seen them since 2016. The band I saw played a certain song from their latest album. The song means so much to me. I have mentioned before the song which I heard driving in the perfect surroundings when I heard it for the first time. The song is also a love song about people fighting to be together during covid and in the song the best sounds like a hospital machine helping someone. The song also mentions people dying alone in hospital. The song means so much to me after loosing dad.
When this song started playing, I nearly broke down in tears. It just reminded me of everything that had happened and I was there in that perfect surrounding. During the song people were lighting up their phones to filling the stadium.
I never cried on the night, but as I write this the tears are just pouring down.
Anyway I guess my role is now becoming beyond carer territory now. I find it hard to continue to accept that I am a carer because it just doesn’t fit in binary terms. For years it hasn’t been about meeting needs, it’s been about so much more.
My sisters words the other night were we only have each other and those words were so true. I spend my life trying to do great things, stuff I enjoy just to fill a massive gap.
Mum also keeps continuing to be obsessed with the pub and I just can’t take it anymore. I don’t think she is an alcoholic, but she is putting more effort in with people at the pub than she is her own children and then acts like we don’t care about her or want to see her.