A miserable day

Hi . I’m having a awful day and just wanted to talk to people who I’m sure will understand
I love dad with all my heart , but at times it’s so hard. My sister calls him once a day for ten minutes . That’s her bit done . When covids wasn’t here she did visit every Saturday morning for a hour . I asked once if she would help for a few days just pop in as my friend said she would too , whilst I visited a friend for a break . I was told “I visit on a Saturday”.
I used to look after mom and dad. Mom was a binge drinker , could be spiteful when drunk, they both can , but when sober was a lovely mom. Growing up with the drunken arguments wasn’t easy , my sister will say you owe them nothing our lives were hell .
Mom heartbreaking suddenly died of a cardiac arrest three months ago. I did CPR but the next day they turned the machines off . I’ve so many questions. I was at the hospital completely alone . Did I do the right thing letting them turn the machines off ,Did I do CPR right , so many questions.
What hurts is we argued the day she died . She wanted a drink , but was on steroids. Then she wanted something from the chippie . I said no as covid is so high . Why didn’t I just go down there . It turned into a shouting match .
Although it was hard looking after both . I could leave for a couple of days with arrangements. Mom was there . She waited on dad hand and foot when younger, I think he just thinks I’ll do the same .
I’ve got him doing a few jobs now as I know he can do them ,
cleaning is so hard of all things .its quicker to do it myself , but I want him to get exercise and some independence. I’ve actually got him using the microwave , which helps and I can do meals he can heat up later .
It’s constantly cleaning up . Also with pets that are my family . The house is never as clean as I would like .
Today dad got up . Said he felt unwell. I know he ate the whole cake yesterday that was in the cupboard. So said if you keep eating junk you will be bad (obviously didn’t hide it well enough) .
I was angry as today I was meeting a new small group of friends I’ve meet online for a litter pick at the park, only a hour . But somehow I just knew it would be ruined again. Just one hour I wanted
I didn’t want to leave him as he didn’t look well .I said why make yourself ill !!.
He said you shouldn’t argue with me if I die you will be sorry . You argued with mom before she died .
I’m so hurt and upset , just feel like saying stop the carers I’m done , get help in . It’s constant worry . Dad won’t except outside help. Said most are robbers and abuse the elderly .
Don’t get me wrong Some days I love helping and feel so grateful I can look after me parents in old age .
Also the settee/carpet etc is awful. Falling to bits . He won’t buy anything for the house . Yet has some money saved .it sounds harsh but I don’t want to live in a sh@t hole. I’ve brought a few things for the house but can’t afford much on the tiny carers allowance I get .
I feel so awful moaning about him . I adore him, today has been so hard though .
One other worry I don’t even want to think about is losing him too , but if anything happened to dad I’m told I can’t stay in the property. It’s council . I’m on the rent but don’t pay rent as I’m a carer and they said I don’t have too. I’ve lived here 30years
The thought of being homeless scares me , what would happen to the dog and cat too . I’ve said no more animals as he was on about another cat .
The property passed from mom and dad , to mom recession or something. That can only be passed once .
I’ve been trying to get little walks in with a old friend , obviously keeping well apart , but dad will say oh don’t bring covid back here. Although he will pop to the local shop on his scooter. I encourage him to go a little ride as I think he needs the exercise and fresh air , prefer he didn’t go into shops though . He wants junk food all the time , hard as then I can’t be bothered to cook separately for me. I’ve just left healthy food , but he’s just left it . So must eat something.
Awful to say and I feel guilty . It’s literally like a child at times.
Thank you so much for listening this is the first time I put my feeling down . Seems it’s all come out .
I feel a crap carer today .

You are NOT a “crap carer” at all. You are a STAR!
Putting up with them and their behaviour for far too long.
You are also grieving for mum, the “six month” period is the worst. I learned that when I was widowed suddenly.

You don’t say how old you are, or dad?
Is there anything actually wrong with dad?
Does he have savings over £23,000 (Yes/No).
Have you ever heard of coercive control, watched Coronation Street recently?
Haven’t your parents always been using you, not treating you with love and respect, encouraging you to get out in the world to realise all your dreams.
They’ve been using you for their own ends, to do things they don’t want to, for a long, long time.
We’ve done this before, and I’ll do it again today to you. Develop an escape plan.
Find out how much a little bed sit would cost to rent. Work out what things you would need to live alone.
Did you manage to get any qualifications?
What would you like to be able to do?

Thank you . They really are not that bad . Just so spiteful at times. I usually do a Sunday dinner and it’s just expected but just left it today. He’s got food and slaving away in the kitchen I couldn’t stand today . I think it’s made him think , he’s used to mom just doing it all.

Last week he said Im a “killer not a carer “ when I said give me that bloody shirt to wash it’s disgusting . I have trouble getting him to change his clothes.
Your words mean so much , he does need help COPD and heart problems 82 . No ,he’s no where near that type of money , but enough just to get the house a bit decent and buy items to help clean it .
I feel so alone right now . Maybe just a awful day. I know I want the he’s for my loved ones.
I’m not allowed to be ill, or sad, last week I got a horrendous migraine I still struggled on . I can’t put the pretend happy face on today though . He knows exactly what he’s saying too. He’s miserable because he doesn’t feel that well , that makes me depressed, but it’s also not my fault .
I have thought about bedsits but know he just wouldn’t cope .
If I’m honest I’ve thought about ending it too lately . Just no help especially with covid and the spiteful words grate you down .

Hello Lisa

Your words hit home with me. The past few days have been abysmal here. I’m not sure whether my mum can understand most of what I say (Alzheimer’s disease) or if it’s her deafness. She sleeps most of the time and I don’t talk to anyone else. I sympathise very greatly with you because I seem to be thinking more about suicide now. Of course that can’t happen because she’d be in a home in no time and I doubt she’d last very long at all.

We were allocated a different social worker in 2017 and for once she is approachable. She actually phoned here last week and asked how I was - which she has done before, btw. Do you have any contact with social services? They might not be very useful a lot of the time but, if you’re lucky, you might just find a decent human being to talk with.

Keep trying to get that walk in the park with friends, as it can only be of benefit. And try to let your feelings out here too; when I joined in the summer I was advised ‘to keep posting’.

Best wishes, David

He has absolutely NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER to be spiteful to you because he’s fed up.
That is not acceptable, it’s verbal abuse.
I dad claiming Attendance Allowance?
This is supposed to pay for the extra costs of his disability, like having someone to clean for him - not you!
Are you claiming Carers Allowance?

I’m sorry David you are so down too . No help at all
I worry about people coming it too with covid too . He just won’t accept help . Bowlingbun. Yes and yes , but it’s not easy to live on . I give rent and buy most of our food .
I’m so exhausted today has been awful. I’m lonely , now he’s a bit better he’s on about eating something out of date in the fridge He said he didn’t eat any, I said dad you’ll be bad . Now” I’m taking over and wasting food” ! I know it all sounds petty by 24/7 it’s hard. Little put downs hurt . Can’t get the washing dry as he moans the dryer gets on his chest .
So if he’s sick now it’s my fault for not checking all the dates. So much to do though. I right date big for him to see . And the date on the fridge door in big letters .
Now I’ll spend hours worrying he might of poisoned himself. Only one day out but still .
Thanks again for listening it’s nice to have people who understand . I don’t usually talk about any of the bad parts .

You are paying rent and most of the food???
This is so wrong, he is taking advantage of you. What does he spend HIS money on???

With regard to the dryer, do you have a garage?
Is it a dryer with a hose, or a condenser dryer?

Hi Lisa

I hope things have improved for you since you last posted. Don’t forget to keep looking in and letting people know how your situation is.

Take care, David

Thank you. Sorry for late reply it’s been a busy few days . I’m feeling better now.
I think actually saying to dad how I feel helped . He’s been better .
I’ve also been more direct . Etc , I need your shirt , cloths to wash today with mine . Save the electricity otherwise the machine will be used twice . The dryer is a condenser .
As far as rent . Dad does pay all the bills electricity, gas , etc .i have to sort his finances and make sure the things are paid . Dad would just be to confused.

I buy half of the food I actually asked him for more money towards the shopping today. It came to more as I was getting extra bits for Xmas in .
I’ve also shown dad the bills this week . He really doesn’t get how much food costs these days .

I think once we’ve had the vaccination it will help too. I can try to get him out for some meals . Sitting in the four walls really doesn’t help. He’s got his scooter and he can get a little ride (with me following to check he’s safe ). But it’s not the same.

A friend also has kindly offered to pop on , she’s a bit like me and looks after her mom . Not come into the house , just knock the door and talk to dad I’ll do the same for her mom when she goes out for a few hours break. Once we are all vaccinated pop in for a chat and cup of tea.
Not sure about you lot , but I really feel we have been totally forgotten with covid , not one call , not one pack of gloves .
Thanks again everyone . Xx

I think unpaid carers have been completely forgotten about.
A friend in the 70’s has had her daughter with learning difficulties, who had her own place) home for 10 months without a break. She doesn’t even qualify for Carers Allowance as she is a pensioner!

I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time, I can totally relate although I know at times like these it can feel so unbelievably lonely, like nobody understands, but they do, and your not alone. My mother in law sounds very similar to your Dad, I did some research and think it could possibly be Diogenes syndrome (DS)( is a behavioural disorder characterized by domestic filth, or squalor, extreme self-neglect, hoarding, and lack of shame regarding one’s living condition ) brought on by past traumas and grief. Take a look, it made me understand her better.
Sending positive vibes your way.

I’ve never heard that term before, but can certainly think of several people I have known who fit the description perfectly!