My mum passed away in her Nursing home overnight. They said it was in her sleep in between checks in the early hours.
She had been frail and a little confused but comfortable and chatty to a point with staff. Then she had her Covid jab (which she has always tolerated) and it was all suddenly downhill from there. She was very distressed and calling out “oh dear” “dont do that” the day after. Then she just seemed to lose all her language and be very slurred. I felt she was end of life but the home said “That’s just dementia.” I had a nice visit with her Thursday, although her speech was still limited. Sunday she was very passive and drifting in and out of sleep. She found a few words and we had a snack and watched some tennis. My gut told me she was leaving me but everyone around said she was normal, so I slipped away once she had fallen asleep. After about an hour of visit.
I feel so devastated. Her last few months had so much suffering and just as she had found a type of comfort I feel my actions in consenting to the jab finished her off and made her suffer. And I should have gone with my gut and stayed with her or returned on Sunday. I could have been there with her. I let her down again. It has been a long and complicated journey.
My husband is out today and I encouraged him to go. But I dont know how I am going to get through the day. I have done as many practical things as I can for now. I feel so sad for my poor mum. x
@J_1810, I’m so sorry about the loss of your Mum. It’s so hard when a loved one dies, especially if we weren’t able to be with them at the end.
Please try not to blame yourself, because it isn’t your fault. If she had previously tolerated the covid jab, there is no way you could have known this one would be any different. You were doing what you thought was in her best interests, and short of staying there 24/7 you couldn’t have known when it was going to happen. Hold onto the fact that you had a lovely visit with her and try not to beat yourself up.
Is there something you can do to distract yourself for a while, or someone you could call to talk to or visit?
Your head will be a whirlwind of emotions at the moment, and that’s okay. Let yourself grieve for her without the guilt.
Thank you so much for your kind reply. I’m driving myself a bit mad at the moment as there is no one I can call right now. I have a friend I can probably speak to later. It’s good just to hear your “voice” now so thank you, it does make a difference. Ive done a few practical things. I’ll try and find a few distractions. x
Imagine I wrote your post. Mum died peacefully in her sleep. Isn’t that what everyone would wish for? Don’t beat yourself up for not being there. Today, sit quietly, cry, have a warm bath, just feel sad. You could not have wished your mum more weeks or months of frailty and confusion. If you can’t relax, make notes about who to tell, what to do next. My usually efficient brain abandoned me for a while. If there is anything we can help with, just ask. Remember this is a safe place for former, as well as current carers.
@J_1810 . It bound to be hard for you right now. But I agree with eastendgirl. If your mother had previously tolerated the jab, you had no reason to assume she should not have the booster. Also just think if she had NOT had it and then developed complications and died from those.
Can only say ‘be kind to yourself’ as it will take time to come to terms with the loss of your mother and accept it. I am glad that you were able to spend time with her,
Thank you both. Yes, I am lucky I was able to spend time with mum. And yes, in truth I didn’t want her suffering to continue. I guess I just thought I had more time to do a few small nice things for and with her. But perhaps these things were for me rather than her. And yes, I have to trust the home that she had a peaceful passing. I have managed a lot of deaths and illness in my family and this one feels like the hardest. Perhaps because I am the last one left now, but I think it’s rather because I have lost my mum who has always been so much part of my world.
It’s helpful to hear your kind voices reminding us that death is not a unique experience - it just feels it sometimes!
I am trying to focus today on plans for making her very small funeral as nice and special as possible.
Thank you again for your replies - they have helped. x
@J_1810
So sorry for your loss.
As bowlingbun said your mum died peacefully. ( I always take comfort that my husband did)
Expected or not, losing a loved one is always a shock, and I guess you are experiencing that. So take your time for a while and please try not to beat yourself up. I’m sure many not us think of the “what ifs”. Quite natural
Sending (( hugs) ))
@J_1810 My Dad died in hospital a few years ago with covid restrictions in place and my older brother telling everyone that they couldn’t visit him. Hospital website stated that exceptions were made during end of life care so I arranged and went in. Brother was furious but I didn’t care. I followed the rules. That evening I sat with him and chatted and read prayers for him and I know he heard me and was trying to join in. I did not stay that night even through staff offered to get me a sleeping chair and I planned to go back following day and say with him from then on.
Next morning I got a call to say he had just died. I wondered if I could have been with him, but contented myself by knowing I did what I could at the time. Hindsight is wonderful and I’d be a millionaire if I knew things then that I know now!
Likewise - YOU did what you could and you should be proud of that and hold tight to the happy memories you have of Mum when she was her real self. I am sure that’s how she would want you to remember her.
Now is the time to look after yourself. You are doing the right thing ensuring the funeral is special for YOU, so don’t worry about what anyone else might want or expect.
Thank you pet 66. I’m sorry about your husband but glad for you and encouraged that you take comfort in this way. I feel so sad that my mum had such a complicated journey through life but I must find comfort that she is now through it all and was lucky enough to pass somewhere safe and go gently. xx
Thank you, Chris. Im so sorry about your Dad, but glad for you that you have such a nice memory of being there for him as you were. And that he was aware of your company. You’re right - I did have a chance to be with my mum and there have been some nice moments. I need to try to focus on that and how lucky I am for these x ps and thank you re funeral - I have achieved a few things towards that today which is also some comfort. I really do appreciate your words.
Thank you all for your kind responses. It has been a long day on my own here with my husband out. It has helped very much to feel some small connection to you all. Our journeys are all unique but there are lots of simple truths in common. Many thanks to you all. xx
@J_1810 Heartfelt condolences.
It’s SO true that each of our journeys is unique but simple truths in common - beautifully said.
May I offer that reaching out and being here shows that you know empathy and connection with others will help, there are so many lovely people here to listen-read whatever you wish to share…there is no linear path or ‘right way’ or simple way…it’s all messy…
To that point, I’d like to say please be kind with yourself - remove all ‘I shoulds’, sleep when you feel weary…many underestimate how physical grief is - it’s exhausting.
Once the formalities are over, expect to fall over what I call The Cliff of Tiredness, when you gradually realise that you are no longer on call or ready to respond. If possible, take a week or two off. I took me sewing machine and some books to a rented cottage in Dorset. Quiet time to reflect away from home is sometimes easier. Time to walk, read, or sleep. One day I had breakfast at 7am, back to bed to read, then sleep, until midday! I so needed that.
Wow, thank you for that. I think I must be existing on adrenaline and cortisol right now. I have got some holiday coming up in August. It sounds like I will need it. Yes, I think getting away would be good. (Especially as my own home is currently filled with boxes from mum’s house.) That is wise advice. Thank you. xx
PS. You know, I am a total novice at sewing, but I have a machine and at one time a couple of years ago I got really “into” quilting and I recall it was one of the few things I could truly “zone out” to. So thank you for reminding me of this! Also, quilting was something I tried to get into as my mum used to be so talented at it. So it might be a nice way of feeling close to her as well.
Sewing is my occupational therapy, has been since I was 21 and bought a brand new Elna SU, now 50 years old and still going strong. It cost 4 weeks wages, but such a good investment, it has sewn everything from net curtains to the tarpaulin for our steam roller! I love being totally lost in a project, but sometimes if I’m super stressed I might not be in the mood. So don’t be too disappointed if that happens.
Wow, amazing! Yes, I think you’re right - good for me not to invest too much expectation in it but nice to think of it as an option some time. And wow, that sounds like some machine!
It took me nearly a year to adjust even though my lovely husband had been in a home for a long time,( He had suffered strokes vascular dementia and other health issues) . So my home was rather neglected in many ways. Caring for him before and after he went into the nursing home. It was a long good bye
Then it became my project to get my house and garden in better order. I’ve managed loads.
I’m only saying this because it’s been a distraction and helped me. Very early days for you. I’m sure you will adjust eventually. Be proud that you went the extra mile for your mum
Ah, thank you, Pet. That sounds like a tough journey for you - a long goodbye is very hard and I send you hugs for sharing. Sounds like you for sure did that extra mile too.
It’s encouraging to hear that you have been able to find focus and distraction in sorting your house and garden - congratulations to you. I will say we are in a right old mess - first it happened slowly, and then it happened quickly, haha. House, garden - yikes! I would like to feel that I can take control like you have and get back to “normal” living in our own home. It will be a good project as you say, when we get there. Glad it’s helping you now.
Thanks for your reassurance I will adjust as you have - and thank you for your words about being proud of what I have done. I have focused rather too much on what I haven’t done and where I made mistakes - I expect many people go through this.
But we’re all human and I guess some mistakes and shortcomings are expected … its amazing that at the same time, we can be tireless advocates and loving carers and find so much resilience to carry on in hard times. Well done to all of us who are here I say. And thank you. These replies have really buoyed me up today and helped me keep going.
Sorry if I’m rambling too much - I am finally feeling sleepy which I take as a good thing!
Thanks everyone - all of you on this board have been so supportive. Finally feel relaxed enough to be sleepy so I will nod off now and wish you good night. xx
